Roll Call 158!

I'm afraid I'll die in my sleep tonight

I'm so depressed.

I'm so scared for my dad. First his car gets broken into. Then he busts his nose falling. Like idk man. And my grandma might pass. Idk what to do. I just feel like theres gonna be a hole in my heart soon. I feel like everything is collapsing around me.

Like fiances dad died in july and my grandpa just died in September. Like idk what to do anymore.

Did you discuss your concerns with your T?

Not like this. I did talk about my dad with her. But then we went into my religious ocd I have. I only have 2 more sessions with her. I wonder if the ticket to work can extend me another 15 sessions.

Like my life did a major shift this past 2 years or year. I have a feeling theres gonna be another major shift. There always has been one my whole life. Like how I was as a kid, then a teen, then getting sick in my early twenties, then going through recovery in my late twenties. Like idk what's next for me.

I notice myself becoming more and more religious as time goes on tho.

You’ll be ok.....how has your sleep been?

I don’t know what the psychology is for cancer but I feel like she would benefit from someone who would talk to her about what her condition means and how to deal with it. She doesn’t want to see a therapist though, I’m not sure why.

Bad, getting like 2-3 hours a night, with the exception of a night or two here and there where I get a normal amount. My thorazine was increased back to 400 mg today though so hopefully that helps

I'm sorry for what your mom is going through

I tried to get my mom to see a therapist too when she was sick. She wouldn't though. And she started having panic attacks which she had never had before previously, I'm sure it's extremely stressful, I can't imagine

Yeah if I get too little sleep sometimes I’ll get a little bit of breakthrough psychosis.

Thanks bluebird. I think my moms approach has been to take it one day at a time which works until the days all add up to years and your time is gone. It’s gotta be bad to deal with which may be why she’s ignoring the reality.

I'm sorry sp....I really am. Idk what to say. So sorry.

Man my sister can’t catch a break, she’s picked up some sort of flu again, she had stomach flu before her colonoscopy which made it a nightmare but now she’s achy with fever again. We think she picked up something on the plane.

She’s supposed to return home on Sunday but I don’t want her near my mom because if she gets sick before surgery they’ll either cancel the surgery if they know or worse it could be really bad if my mom got sick after the surgery.

I told my sister I could pay for a hotel for her....she doesn’t want to though.

This is really dark but.... I can’t stop thinking about it though now.

Sorry I’m in such a dark place right now.....it’s just spiraling around....

Fiance just came home from work and said "here, I hope you can cheer up a little bit".

Same with me. I'm in a dark place too. It's ok to feel dark sometimes. It helps us grow.

HUGS @Sometimes psychotic

well, I messaged my editor again because I haven't heard a word from him. I'm a bit nervous now. I don't think it was so bad that he'd just not reply... I'm sure im blowing it out of proportion. I mean, I just sent it to him sunday evening. What I wrote is very dark, and painful, with a lot of heart. I guess that's what I usually feel. I hope he responds soon with an answer.

Helping her with what? Is your sister okay? Feel free to unload, that's what we are hear for. There is a canyon in my family and I'm the only one who can travel it in peace. We're here

She has cancer....

((hugs)) I thought it was just your mother who had cancer and your sister with the flu. So I'm a bit confused. Sorry.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers SP

Why do I always get weirded out/scaredabout med changes. I've been on this dose before. I worry too much.