Roll Call 158!

People don't understand me very often, though they do often know me well. There's a difference between knowing someone and truly understanding someone in my mind.

Borderline personality disorder is a tough diagnosis. When it goes untreated the result is often very much what you're talking about. I've dated two people with the disorder and I've had and have friends that are diagnosed with it. It's a struggle for them and the people that are closest to them.

That's the thing about personality disorders (and mental illness in general), it never just affects the person afflicted with it in isolation. I have diagnosed antisocial personality disorder, and while I sincerely do make an effort to avoid harming those closest to me, my condition still affects them and most definitely had an extremely adverse effect on anyone who knew me when I was younger and objectively out of control.

You can't change who you fundamentally are, but you can choose how you play the cards you're dealt in life. No diagnosis has to dictate your choices or your life.

Ended up falling asleep for another 3 hours

It's best that you're conservative with them. They're strong medications and considering the risk for physical dependency they should be used sparingly. You're being smart, I like that quality in a person.

Withdrawal sucked for me lol but I had it ****ing easy compared to pretty much anyone else. I'm not an anxious person at all so that made it all very simple. A literal headache, sure. But besides the headaches, nausea at times, and increased insomnia I was fine otherwise. My level of neuroticism is a big fat zero.

Took a walk. It's so quiet outside

I used to be very reckless with drugs (Because of the Abilify making me have zero insight to risk - class action lawsuit because of gambling addiction from abilify) but now I'm the complete opposite.

Idk if I can be addicted to benzos cuz I'm not an anxious person either (Apart from the panic attacks I had last year but that was cuz of derealization and depersonalization from hallucinatory persisting perception disorder from psilacetin). Apart from when I was 16, I got agitation and not anxiety. I've never had anxiety. I was prescribed 120x 0.5mg klonopin because my agitation was so bad (Teen angst lol..)..

Anyone can become physically dependent I would think, but psychologically that's a no, lol. I never had any attachment to those medications, just the opposite: I engaged in several confrontations to the point of it being settled in a more let's just say formal setting to hold those morons accountable so I could finally get off of all of that worthless crap. I was contesting several erroneous things along with those medications, and I did prove that those things were indeed erroneous.

Abilify gave more than one person I know terrible akathisia. Why is akathisia not listed as a known serious side effect of anti psychotics? Oh right, people would be less inclined to take them without question.

I'm not saying don't take medications if you need them, by the way. I have zero personal vendetta against medications. They can and do help a myriad of people all the time. What I'm saying is that people should be informed of any and all possible side effects so they can make an informed decision about what they choose to take or not take.

I've never had anxiety or panic attacks. I've never been fearful in general, which has lead me to being quite reckless.

Why in the hell do so many psychiatrists feel the need to call everything "anxiety" and "depression" when it's so obviously something else?

Feeling great 😃

That’s awesome!

How are you doing today ?

I feel better but I think my mom and sister are still freaking out. I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have told my sister that problem influenza is really dangerous and I don’t want to risk anyone. A hotel for my sister is the best option imo. I don’t know why they don’t bring this up with their doctors....why is it me telling them.

Lol psychiatrists are like aspies (Not a bad thing but funny xd)

My grandfather had a very very slow growing lung cancer diagnosed when he was 50 (Got hit my a truck, hurt his shoulder and they did an x-ray and found the tumour - He never smoked) and when he was in his last days at 75, he couldn't breathe because he had thr flu. It was the flu that killed him.

Hi everyone. Long day at work today. I'm trying to help the owners and upper management in NY understand CA HR laws. I'm not sure I'm being heard or not. They want to make changes to the leave that we are allowed and how it is accrued but CA has a bunch of laws about this. I don't get to be "in the loop" either. I gave them a bunch of info and then it's like, well we'll let you know what we decide. Sucks. I know I'm just a lowly employee but my undergrad is in this major, I know what I'm talking about! No one cares. Blah.
I got to see regular T last night. She is moving her office because the current place she works is closing at the end of the year. So I am going to see her on the 11th of January. She said if she isn't on my insurance panel yet she will just see me for free. I feel sort of weird about that, but I'm glad I have an appointment to look forward to. I gotta work up the courage to break up with Pastor T. I don't think he's helping me.

I want to SH. But I don't want to SH. But I want to SH.
I'm having a lot of anxiety. I'm having hallucinations but they are manageable for the most part, just visuals, no auditory ones.

And I'm super bored at work right now. So lame. Just want to be at home. Having motivation problems today.

Let me see if I can come up with something positive: I had Starbucks this morning. That was nice. And it's Wednesday which means only two more days of work this week. So over it.

Hugs All, Kit

That’s terrible...sorry for your loss but yeah that makes me feel better that my sis will be in a hotel. My moms white counts are so low they might not do the surgery....she’s getting extra granix shots this week. So she cannot handle the flu.

Yassssss

Yeah definitely don't want to risk giving the flu to your mom , i hope they're able to relax a little

I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. Even though I slept last night and 3 hours during the afternoon. I'm sure I'll get used to it though. I did before

HAHAHA!

Or ... they’re narcissists ... which makes way more sense than it should ... lmao.

Had a short day at work. I mean same hours, just it went by fast. I think because I had to drive to another county and back. But I took a company car. And hooked up my phone and just sang the whole hour to and from. Nice new car lol. Chevy, tho. Blegh.

Anyway, had a client ask me out.

But yea. Then came home. My mom called and said she wont be going on the vacation after Christmas. She said she'll be going to California for 12 days to take care of my grandma. But she said shes gonna try to make it where fiance and I can still go by ourselves. Like the hotel room to be ready and paid for at both hotels. We would be staying in downtown san Antonio, 1 night, and then in the hill country of san Antonio the next night. 2 different hotels. One of them is that same fancy schmancy one we stayed in last time.

And my dad came over when I got home. He said the police department called him and put out a warrant for the arrest of the person that stole his checks out of the mail and was forging his signature. So I feel much safer for him because he wasnt the only person this person did it too. He was afraid of them retaliating against him.

So here I am. About to play pokemon. Fiance is off today. I gave him a huge snickers bar for early Christmas present cuz he gave me an early Christmas present yesterday. The nintendo card. And I have rescheduled my 2 podcast interviews!

I'm starting to feel much better now on this new med. Not fully. But my fears are at ease about my dad and grandma for now. And I'm not as depressed and some kind of energy right now.

Finished

Hope the next two days go by quickly for you Slumber Kitty

I think I'm just going to sleep through the next week

Glad the day felt short, the vacation is set up, your grandma and dad are taken care of, and that you’re starting to feel better on the new med.

Are you depressed because of the holidays? I don’t know if this is your style but some people volunteer over the holiday season...that way you’re not alone but you’re also helping others. Just a thought...

Sorry work is ignoring your knowledge....

Glad you can see T

Sorry about the SH, anxiety and hallucinations you’re experiencing.
Sorry about the motivation issues too.

Mmm Starbucks. Yes push through to Friday then you’re done.