Roll Call 158!

I don't feel pain like normal people. I dissociate from it. Y'know ketamine (A dissociative) is a painkiller right? They use it in hospitals for pain for humans and in vets for animals.

I have a different persona that pretends that bad things don't happen. It's like sometimes I'm not really there. I agree with people that say bad things about me. I'm easy to manipulate. When I realize what someone has done to me, I still think of it as a funny thing. I don't take things seriously enough.

I know a lot of people that are so down on themselves that everything is just black and darkness. They hate their parents, get into bad relationships and smoke cigarettes like they really want to die. When I'm down on myself, I'm just frustrated - But I'm mentally autistic. When I want to die, I think of it like a playful thing.

My tragedy isn't after I die and "He had it hard.. - there was no light, it was a very serious thing". For me, it's like my tragedy is like a kid scraped his knee and started crying.

I don't know how to explain it. I didn't die - After all the drugs I took.. There's a connotation to hard drugs like they destroy lives and they deserve it.. That's what people think. I did them out of delirium. Like a manic dream.

My life is a mania. When I'm depressed, I use humour. I never lose my sense of humour. There's something called "Sad clown paradox" where it seems like most comedians are depressed or have been through depression or just seem to have some inner sadness.

I was the most popular in middle school because I was so funny. I like making people laugh because it makes me laugh. Yet such deep philosophical thoughts.. I remember sitting in the playground wishing I wasn't alive when I was 10. I didn't want to play soccer with a tennis ball. Outside school I had a lot of friends.

I was an annoying person sometimes and people would call me out. I've been afraid to be myself until psychedelics. Psychedelics made me feel like a kid again - Without the societal meaningless robotic jobs everyone goes through, the depressive alcohol drinking and cynical cigarette smokers, the assholes putting people down to make themselves feel better. I always did and will lift people up and the jealous ones put me down. Every time someone does that, it's like a relationship with that person that I have which is an entity that takes his/her form. Something that haunts me to make sure I stay balanced, - Then I continue doing what I do, which is try to live and be myself, change, grow.

But at the same time those dark depressions were harder than anything I've ever been through. I did want to die and walked alone through it all. But I don't remember my pain. The feeling was all gone in depression. Everyone left me alone. One kid was like "Come to the party, drink alcohol". He really wanted to help. But I was on some journey walking on some dark road, completely lost. The shroom helped. Alcohol wasn't what I needed. It's never what anyone needs.

My mom has the fast caffeine metabolizing gene

I've never felt this much emotions before. It must be an anhedonia window

What do I want to do? Make music, paint.. idk..

I feel like drinking alcohol

I feel so sad

Edit:

Usually alcohol and tweaky don’t mix yo.

What is this that we are doing on this forum? Like the deep physics of it.. While not wanting to be psychotic... yet we are atoms and particles.. taking molecules to fit in with society and not feel torture..

It's love.

But nah I'm jk ignore that. I'm still good. I'm just having a little fun cuz rarely I let myself let go.. but on meds we're not allowed to do this.. and people have addictions to it.. Why? Cuz this.. so yeah.. We all just need to love and cooperate in society.. rich to give a little money to the poor.. not all of their money... just a little bit.. pay for our meds a little bit maybe.. american health care sucks.. really sucks...

Yeah. I’m probably **** out of luck really. I need to start being more proactive with my health. I’m down 20 pounds since I first moved in with my friend. However I’ve went a couple days without eating much really a few times. It wasn’t because we ran out of food It’s like my apatite went away. I’m also chasing kids around the house and cleaning a lot.

I'm sober but I realize that with alcohol I feel really good and wavy and then it builds up in the brain and I start to feel numb.

I felt much better when I had that anhedonia window. I regret drinking alcohol very much so.

So I'm gonna wait until I become completely mentally stable again even if I feel sad, that's a perfect emotion.. just a little sad about things that are real..

I'm never drinking alcohol again.

I might not drink alcohol ever again too because of how it had made me feel especially while on meds.

I felt amazing before I drank it. See that long post I wrote? That was brilliant! It was real!

Now all I can write is about .. ok ill try to write.. here it goes;

The world is blue.. and there is water on it.. and.. idk..

Edit: I wish there was hangover pills.. Like morning after pills..

Edit: This is exactly how I feel ---> A hangover.

Well keep hydrated by drinking lots of water and even Gatorade

Ok I will.. I have a large bottle of water beside my bed.. Imma sleep now (Sorry everyone for the drama.. lol)

Yeah because hangovers are basically being dehydrated.

Morning

I dont feel like doing anything today. Just laying around. I have to return a gift I bought double of, and also buy a gift at the dollar store, tho. Ugh. I'm not gonna be able to do that stuff monday, and I'm not gonna go after work monday, cuz that's be like 5pm, two days before Christmas. Lots of foot and car traffic. Ugh.

On the plus side, this is the first day I'm not nauseous from my new medication.

Welp the place almost caught on fire. One of my friends kid turned on a burner with a plastic plate on the burner. lol good thing our smoke detector works.

Done. Went out and did the last minute Christmas shopping just now, since I cant and wont do it monday. Gotta work and then get off at 5pm. No. Not going after work when theres lots of people. Everyone is in church this morning in this town and there was no one out there, thank god lol. Parking lots were empty.

Anyway. I hope I remember where I've put these presents because I've hid like 7 or more, maybe 10 presents everywhere around the house both upstairs and downstairs. Lololol.

Scary

Lol fiances Christmas stocking candy is in the lockbox. Lolol. And he forgot the code, so I never had to change it. Hehehe.

Yeah lol I mean I got in there in time to turn off the burner and my friend put out the fire.

A friend of mine was sanitizing baby bottles and left them on accidentally until the water evaporated.....same scenario. Plastic don’t mix very well with fire......

Is it like an Easter egg hunt or are they unwrapped?

lol yeah. I’m just glad I can’t smell burning plastic because my nose don’t work right now because of cold.

No. Some are wrapped, and some are unwrapped. But they are all hidden. I just dont want him to see any presents whatsoever. If he sees the size of some of them, he'll know what he got. But, Idk why I always place them in different places. I dont exactly mean to, and I do it every year. I guess I just dont want like a hump looking shape under my clothes or wherever I hide them, cuz that's too obvious.

I returned a game I was gonna give him, at gamestop. They were gonna give me 27 dollars for it, even tho I paid like 55 dollars and it just came out. But then the guy said something and said he was going to be generous, and he gave me the full 55 back, but on a gamestop card. So I'm gonna give fiance that trade card as a gift card.

Plus I cashed in 20 dollars on my ibotta account (which I got 20 dollars this month. I decided to use ibotta for my online amazon gift purchase. And I racked up 10 dollars cash back in 1 purchase), so I got a second gift card for him for gamestop through ibotta. It's a 20 dollar gift card. Gonna start using ibotta more. It's too easy to get cashback and I'm gonna take a advantage of that. Especially when u can transfer it to your bank account. And they have tons and tons of giftcards.