Roll Call 158!

I hope you'll feel much better soon.

Do you have any soup or anything? Can't live on a few spoonfuls of rice.

"Impeachment day for Trump: A bruised ego, a Twitter eruption ..."

OMG THE STOCK MARKET MUST BE GOING NUTS..

I had a half an hour sleep paralysis last night (You can tell time while in sleep paralysis). I swear in the afterlife you can fly around... It's sooo much better to fly than to walk.. I saw a demon moving and trying to make me scared at the end of my bed and it's eyes were demon red and I tried to fly around it and do a backflip off of my bed (That usually wakes me up because if my body is in a different place, I wake up) but I made sure that I didn't touch it and I also made sure that I didn't look into its eyes or let it come close to touch me.

I woke up (Because my sister slammed her room door) and realized that it was my black hoodie hung up on the door...

I know AD doesn't get scared but I've been so scared in life that I've built a high tolerance to not being scared anymore.. I believe that's what she went through and the young developing brain crystalized to no fear for the adult brain forever...

I also had a delusion that my heart had stephen hawkings IQ of 200 and was going to die.

I believe my friend that used to be my coworker (That I don't talk to anymore except on Facebook) has schizophrenia. He's eccentric, suspicious. I think he's intelligent but idk after him telling me about hollow earth theory. I talked to him in the gas station that he works at.

I know he's not trying to mess with me and that he actually believes in it. Idk why people believe in conspiracy theories like that. Finding meaningful patterns in things that don't exist.. Idk..

It's really strange to me. I feel really weird talking to him like I'm tripping and wonder if I should take an olanzepine. Reality can't be that much of a structure that everything is wrong.. Like stephen hawking is a conspiracy then? I don't buy it. I thought my friend was smart or he is but could have psychosis.

I feel like people are watching me live my life and controlling my thoughts. But at the same time I don't buy that either. I'm just really open minded but I shouldn't be. I realize that I get shared psychotic disorder very easily because I'm afraid to call people on their ********. Same thing happened with my step dad. I'm not confident enough to tell people how I really feel because I'm a peacekeeper.

I'm sick of people believing in things that knows someone else already thought of that isn't based on reality which has nothing to do with mind altering substances (Which includes religion - Because that is based on mind altering substances).

When people do, I don't believe that that is schizophrenia but just stupidity and people trying to feel special. And I'm not talking about common schizophrenic delusions but theories like the earth is flat.

Reality is a joke

I mean.. IQ is pattern.. and dysfunction of dopaminergic system causes negative symptoms to have enough dopamine to not care about looking further for patterns which is the opposite of ADHD in a way.. except that never finishes anything and starts a bunch of things (Which my friend has) and autism is being so interesting in one thing that they know all about it but what if it's conspiracy theories? and.. Ah **** I'm tired I'm not gonna bother with this anymore (Yknow what I mean??? <--- This is proof right here).

I want to solve problems but I just don't care. I never did. Only before my negative symptoms started and that's when I was really good at math.

I just don't care about any of this. But I'm alive still. Then I think about suicide. It's hopeless and I should just tell people how I really feel for once and have confidence in my own thoughts of what reality really is.

I wish someone here could help me. I'm really struggling. Am I supposed to just take meds to shut my brain down so I shut up about this stuff because I can't sort out the madness that reality really is and everyone is so beautifully brainwashed? Stephen hawking doesn't believe in god. What if he had a psychedelic experience? I see many trip reports like "Atheist meets God" and all the stupid God posts on the stephen hawking facebook group page. Intelligent people can believe in God still. But reality is really messed up. It's like the crazy people are right or wrong until proven right or wrong and science is theories which are proof.. And what is proof? An effect.. cause and effect.. Idk I'm not even thinking anymore I'm just being lazy because I don't care.

But I'm done. Reality is a joke and I'll leave it at that and not bother with this anymore and just live my life.. But life is about living in insanity.. So I think of suicide.. It's quite hell. I suppose the psychedelic trip made my psychosis worse, then better, then worse again as my injection was decreased.. Maybe I need it. It should be tomorrow cuz it's week 3 but I'm waiting 4 weeks now.

I'll try to take an olanzepine and see if that helps, taper the phenibut, take night time seroquel.. my god im a mess. I feel hopeless. Like I'm really trying in my life. I've done the best I could do. I'm a good person. My step dad lied and deceived me. I can't believe he did that. I'm broken. My mom neglected me. In school they didn't help me or let me be an individual. People ****ed me over. Life ****ed me over. Life isn't fair. It's scary when psychotic.

I tried. I tried my best.

Everyone, try to ignore this. I'll try to ignore, sleep, and start again in the morning. I know reality is ******** but I'll try and live without being psychotic and just ignore the psychosis.

When people know reality is fake, the only thing I can think of is turning to a God that the afterlife will grant some sort of mercy to your being.. Because what else can we do? We didn't ask to be here.. We don't want to not exist and if we do, we can't not exist.. It's eternal and we want the best life.. Psychosis is hell.

I remember Stephen Hawking died at day 25 of my injection 2-3 years ago. I went a bit psychotic. It's day 20 of my injection and I'm thinking about him again..

Sorry you're struggling @Desoxyn

Last day of work this week. Then gotta work monday and then its Christmas

Talked to the lady from the apartment complex that wants to do a phone interview (followup to the building tour and initial interview) she was in a meeting and said she'd be calling me in 15 minutes. That was 2 hours ago. So tired of playing phone tag with these people

It's 7 degrees out right now

I'm not going to ignore you. You say things that speak to me, and even if you're "crazy" that doesn't mean you're wrong about everything. It's okay to express your thoughts and feelings.

I've had sleep paralysis before, it's trippy as **** isn't it? I saw my desk chair turn into a weird thing last time I had sleep paralysis, it struck me as funny for some odd reason but hey we all know I'm strange lol.

Demons aren't necessarily evil, but they're definitely misunderstood and can be terrifying. I always thought when watching horror movies with demons in them that gee, the demons aren't very happy to be there either from the look and sound of it. I think about the weirdest things sometimes.

Well who knows? You may be onto something. I don't remember being afraid as a child, either ... But again, who knows? No one truly does, what you think is just as valid of a theory as anyone else's in my opinion.

Having a high tolerance for fear is a useful tool for you to have if you ask me.

Conspiracy theories are interesting to me sometimes but like yourself I also find it strange.

Shared psychotic disorder makes me think of many things, I always wondered exactly what causes that ... Seems that it could be easily used as a weapon if someone knew how it all worked.

I can relate for different reasons (and perhaps some similar reasons too!)

The nature of proof is something I've spent many sleepless nights wondering about, actually. Who created the notion of proof? Why is the notion, the very idea of proof what it is?

I like talking to you, so I hope you stick around and also that things get brighter for you.

Life isn't fair, that's true. Most people suck, that's also true. Reality often doesn't make a damn particle of sense.

Psychosis is hell, it's obvious from what you write. You sound tormented. May you find relief.

I talked to the lady. She said you can only have one cat but she will talk to her supervisor about it since I have two, my doctor wrote a letter stating they're emotional support animals. If I can't go with my two cats I'm not moving. They mean everything to me. She asked me about my current lease and if I'm able/willing to break it or need to give them a 30 day notice, etc.. so I'm guessing they have an opening of some sort.

I feel really crappy today. I want to cry. I want to SH. I don't want to be at work. I just want to curl up in a ball.

So I started Lexapro two weeks ago. Well I didn’t read the label on the bottle and no one talked to me apparently I was supposed to split them on half this whole time so I ran out yesterday. I didn’t have any for this morning so I feel weird.

I see my doctor today though so I’ll get a refill. Maybe go for a higher dose while we’re at it.

Is it helping you at all? I hope so!

I have on occasion curled into a ball under my desk....that was back when I had an office.

Last night I took one benzo, 10mg melatonin and 50mg seroquel to sleep, one 5mg olanzepine for psychosis and 50mg CBD for sleep and dystonia/akathesia from the olanzepine because I didn't have any Cogentin.

I dreamt. It. Out. Intensely.

In the morning I took a phenibut maintenance dose, 50mg vyvanse, 50mg atenolol and a vitamin D and 200mg caffeine to wake me up.

I feel a bit better. Gonna go skiing =]

That was the first time I took an olanzepine in 5 months.

Idk what's wrong with me but I keep crying

HUGS @Blue_Bird

Sometimes that can happen, it’s usually a sign of depression though, or at least it’s on my depression checklist.....hope you feel better soon.

I don’t know yet really. Takes a while for these things to really start to work. I realized I was using alcohol more to cope with negative emotions so I haven’t been drinking and I’ve felt depressed and anxious more lately.

But it might be helping in some regards. Idk. I’ll talk to my doctor about how I’m feeling and we’ll go from there.

Thanks, yeah I feel depressed