Roll Call 158!

It’s totally fun and if you’re musical they’re supposed to be super easy to learn too....all I ever learned was twinkle little star but I still loved it.

I'm starting to have racing thoughts and anger, and depression because I can't get my triggers out of my mind. God my life is a wreck. I just don't know what I can do to correct it.

I need to tell myself that none of the professors are fired, they are fine, but probably went through hell because of my agitation is through the roof and that causes. But seeing one, I mean, she was as angry as I get, so she can do that, but I can't? is an email that big of a deal? granted it was years ago.

also my taxes are a wreck. I need to sit down and work on them over the break, I have all the receipts so that's the hard part. and I'll send all of that stuff and I know the tax questions for my tax guy.

Also, I feel like im getting nowhere in my love life. I was absolutely stunned when a sociology professor, who should know better than any of person, in any other profession, asked me what my job was, what kind of car I drive, and if I own a house in one sitting, as if I have much control over this SOCIETY. I should be making 30% more than what I get paid because of this social issue.

I literally told my boss I need more money and he stood there very uncomfortably until he left so I could take apart the sprayer. I'm frustrated on every level. Even running errands after work, with my work clothes still on, nobody wants to make eye contact because my painting clothes... so you see where im coming from? It's as if im a minority, or even a slave, except my boss doesn't even have to provide a roof over my head because capitalism makes it easier for "bosses" to higher even cheaper labor. Am I crazy? Do you not see it? This is what I was trying to escape so many years ago when I gave 1000% to the university free myself from.

Sorry, it felt good to let it all out though.

Sorry you’ve got so much going on, it doesn’t seem this holiday season is being particularly kind to any of us......

I am back to my apartment from my grandmas, not doing well tonight so I may have to go back.

Last night I was afraid I'd go completely psychotic and end up in the hospital while my mom is going for cancer treatment.

Psych ward isn't an option for me. And I'd be there, knowing everything about meds and antipsychotics like "I don't want any of this. I don't want to be a zombie. leave me alone. Let me die"..

And I know they'd take away my Vyvanse. Such ****s.

I used to knock on wood, I used to never curse. I used to think I could control the universe with my obsessive thoughts and what felt like a prayer, I shouted to the sky don't let my family disappear.. I used to feel alone, I used to not belong but little did I know I had the power all along. The only thing to fear,

is never being scared

Hope things improve soon!

Day 5 of the med increase and I'm starting to feel better

That’s great news!

The vraylar has been making my kidneys/sides hurt. And my bladder hurts. This is all supposedly side effects.

I had those symptoms when I had kidney stones

Oh no...

HUGS @Day Tripper
HUGS @Blue_Bird

This holiday season seems really hard on a lot of us. HUGS for everyone!

I agree I think it’s been especially rough.....

Took a nice walk to the library

OMG. We have this like holiday luncheon today at work. We already had a holiday party. Now we have a holiday luncheon. I'm just like, over celebrating the holidays with my coworkers. Although I did hand out presents to my coworkers today and I got like 4 presents from coworkers which was nice, but I just really don't want to have to do another luncheon type thing. Ugh. Don't mind me, just complaining!!!

omg

I'm having mass euphoria from these cold showers

I've been having a cold shower almost every day for over a month. It's true that I start to like the cold now.. It feels like putting ice on my skin but I want the cold to feel normal..

The lady from the apartment complex called back, she talked to her supervisor and my cats are fine. I have an appointment with her on the 30th just to bring some documents in.

Good News @Blue_Bird!!

Today was a good day. I got off at 230pm, then helped a friend bring his couch into his apartment. Friday around noon we will see star wars rise of sky walker. Rent is paid, I stopped going to the bar on my days off, but I bring a liquor called carolans, it's a cheaper version of Bailey's. So I go to tim Horton's café and with each large coffee (3 is the most I can have) I add a shot of that to my drink, from my flask. I don't even get a buzz from it, but it completely changes the taste and I love it. It's way better than 5 tall beers and extra for tipping my bartender.

The Witcher is on Netflix now. I loved those games.

my suicidal ideation has been peaking lately, so i'm not sure if I should read something or write something. Maybe I'll read some cicero. I have a two volume series of him writing to his son away while studying with ancient greeks. Cool right? He gives good fatherly advice. I really didn't have a stable father, so when I read I sometimes look for that.

I'll spend my first day of winter break brain storming for story ideas. If something pops out at me I'll follow that.

Made it through the work Christmas luncheon. Whew. That's done. Yay!

No suicidal DT we love you <3

No one suicide!!! Including me which I have to tell myself!!!