Roll Call 160!

Haha, yes! Straight menthol, it tastes like crap. But I'm so glad I have it. They have like 10 bags of lozenges people sent me in the nurse's cart. Just have to go ask for one. Hate it here.

The nurse let me take the whole bag back to my room. So glad. They have menthol which helps me not cough and breathe better.

Tomorrow is Wednesday already. The Coke machine hasn't been refilled.

Just about 20 more minutes until I can use my headphones again. I'm not sure how to charge my vape pod without anyone noticing and asking questions. I hope my new roommate will take part in activities here and be out of the room mostly. Hope she'll make friends.

Morning

Its fckn freezing!

Oh my goodness

I feel like today is gonna be weird or crazy.

Anyone up?

Going to take 2-3 weeks for my post cards to arrive they are coming from New Zealand.....hopefully I don’t have to pay taxes to claim them.

Just got back from the laundromat. Took a shower and put on fresh clean, warm clothes

One of my cats was so sweet last night (Annie) she laid under the cover with me with her arm around me purring and she kept petting my face with her other paw

I'm moving next week

Wow! That’s fast....congrats!

Thanks! yeah I didn't realize it would be next week, it is fast. I'm stressed but excited

My dreams are so vivid every night that I'm starting to have trouble telling if my memories are real or just dreams.

It's pretty cool. I should be lucky that I can get at least 10 hours of sleep every night.

I'm feeling pretty good today. Lowered the dose of phenibut to 850mg. Didn't take any benzo to sleep again. The 7.5mg olanzepine and 50mg Seroquel helped.

But I notice that my mind and body isn't really connected to actions. I believe everyone else is like that as well. I have less awareness right now. I'm just going on autopilot because it's more comfortable that way.

I'm just watching life as a spectator. It's less painful that way. I think I might be slightly dissociated. It's probably a side effect of the ketamine last year. It changed my brain to make me less depressed. I don't feel that depressed right now.

Wow--that's great! And quick!

Maybe my depression/self-destructive feelings are more noticeable right now because today the GM stopped in to make sure I was okay because I seemed "stressed" or something. I try to hide it when I'm not doing well but sometimes, y'know, can't be hidden.

One of the owners isn't doing well. I'm actually not sure if it is her or a family member. She and I were Skyping the other day and I asked her something and she ended up telling me that she had to take her Mom to an operation and to Chemo. I felt really sad for her. I was able to empathize because my Dad had cancer back in 2010. Luckily he beat it. Then today I Skyped her and she sent me a message maybe 30 minutes later saying that she was sorry but she had a minor medical emergency and would be at work tomorrow. I feel so bad for her. I wish there was something I could do for her ... trigger for Christianity

Possible trigger:

except pray

but since she is in NY and I am in CA it's hard. It's not like I can give her a hug and some coffee and try to be there for her. I feel like I am literally dripping sadness for her. Regular T says its because I'm an empath, whatever that means. I just feel helpless to do anything for her. So I'm trying to not bug her this week about stuff unless it is something only she can take care of.

I'm with my mom and her friends. They laugh at everything and love drama. Drinking wine in public. They're annoying me. I can tolerate it on phenibut..

I'm not friendly right now and it seems everything I say is honest and hurtful if I say anything to them. I shouldn't have gone for this walk. They're skating right now and I'm supposed to be taking pictures. I hate taking pictures.

I used phenibut to tolerate them while hiking and now they see a huge change in me like I'm someone else.

I feel completely INTP. But I'm ok with it. Just they're not ok with me not laughing at every stupid little thing and keep asking me if I'm ok and if they said anything wrong. Meh.

I feel much better for some reason! All of a sudden I just started feeling better D:

Also, after I was feeling better, my mom told me that she is anxious for her appointment tomorrow to get results from her ultrasound about the other lump in her breast. That's why she wanted to have fun. So I said, "Now I feel bad for feeling bad" lol..

I hope your mom's appointment goes well @Desoxyn HUGS Kit

At least you tried to participate....that is half the battle....

How is school going SP?

Seemingly ok although I only have feedback in one course.

I'm paranoid. I have no one on the inside and my mind keeps on searching for explanation, and I can't get any. I have a lot of hypotheticals, and dots, and I don't like how im connecting them.

I'm so stressed I feel like I'll have a stroke. Maybe I should try to sleep, I'm worn out