Roll Call 160!

Hello, how is everyone doing today?

I’m good. Just piecing together with aid of nurses my illness and what has led me to now. I realized that I may have been delusional and paranoid for a lot longer than I ever could’ve realized before clozapine. I believed my dad’s delusions long after I moved away from my family’s place. My brother and sister were never in that situation and they got in line with reality after moving out. I have had highly erratic moving patterns over the years and moved like 5-6 times in the span of 8 years. I was in a cycle I did not know how to get out of. When I was at university in 2009-2010 I thought I was a super important person and was smarter and more insightful than anyone else. I had good grades but I was a loner despite hanging out with campus organization stuff. My grades began to degrade over the next 4 years until I had some flunked courses, then lost my job, and then broke in 2015. Then my first psychosis in 2016, followed by many. I heard voices in the form of whispers when I was young and a teen, and in my pre-teen/teen years I heard people calling my name a lot..and when I checked no one called my name. It was disorientating. My sense of reality I realize was never...stable. I went through so many different beliefs, ideas, expressions, you name it...and I have not had any sense of homeostasis with the world around me. Maybe...just maybe, I was out of touch with reality without fully realizing it. Thoughts?

Some people set aside an hour in the morning just to write....

I didn't sleep a wink all night. I napped for a couple of hours after breakfast though.

You need the Tiz's!!!

Hmmm. I don't really have any good insights but it seems like you might be on to something. I'm just glad that the medication seems to be working and you are sounding much more clear headed. Are you feeling good? HUGS Kit

Totally wish I was that dedicated. I do set time aside each day to study the Scriptures and stuff but not an hour and certainly not an hour of writing. Regular T wants me to do a lot more journaling than I do. Sort of the stream of consciousness thing. I rarely do it though.

Talking to the nurse RN tonight. I have my safety plan all filled out. I can't say that I went the two weeks between talking to her without SH-ing bc obviously I did it and ended up in the hospital because of it. I don't know if she'll have that info yet so I'll probably have to tell her. I did the other thing she wanted me to do which was check out some gyms near me. So I guess two out of three isn't bad.

Do you guys think stress causes hallucinations to be worse? I was talking to Pastor T on Monday night and I was telling him how when I was at the hospital there was vapors rising up from the curtains. He was like, you must have been really stressed. I hadn't really thought about it. It wasn't frightening to me. It was sort of mesmerizing.

When I went through this understanding, my therapist and I set up like a timeline of psychosis because there is a need to process it all. You can also set up percent probability etc.....like odds it was real vs psychosis.

Yes, I really do. I only have maybe 4 or 5 left so I haven't been using them. I love tizzes.

Stress definitely contributed to the amount of torture I'd have on any given day back when I was hallucinating the "man". And how absorbed I would be in the delusions.

Work was crazy af. Crisis calls at work.

Reading some manga. Going to get a physical tomorrow then my friend is helping me carry some stuff from my old place back to here. Friday we're hanging out for the day. Not much going on during the weekend, will be cleaning. Might take a walk to the library and hang out there for awhile. My friend gave me the Christmas present he got me today (he ordered it on amazon and it arrived way later than it was supposed to) It's an expansion to a card game I play. So I'm going to be playing that soon which I'm excited for.

Got 10,500 steps in today. I need to get my art books and supplies here so I can work on some drawings, it's been so long since I've drawn anything.

Yes definitely my first Psychosis is attributed to workplace stress.....

I can't wait until I get this story done with. I didn't know this, but I've been method writing, taking on the character, the devil, of my book, and reacting, and seeing, and that tweet was him, not me. I need to overhaul that story with a feminists perspective to do that female professor justice if this story is serious and that character sincere.

I might have to send it to my editor a 2nd time after I give that character a fair shake.

I took Benadryl for a very long time until the effects wore off. I tried upping the antipsychotic and it did nothing. I tried benzos, and they wore off. It took me getting back on a moodstabilizer, Trileptal, to actually work.

Hey Newt, I clicked on your blog below your posts and it looks like it has expired. You said something about dopamine flux?

Yea. Yea I tried to take that off. My old domain name expired. I’m not renewing it. The dopamine flux, now.

It’s not lifeloverecovery anymore. The dopamine flux, now.

I gotta update it

I heard from somewhere that successful people have a plan for the next day before they fall asleep.

I get up around 4 or 5 am. But I go to sleep around 8 pm. It doesn't let me have much of a life.

I get up at 9-10am but go to bed at nine....also not much of a night life......

I'm impressed, you really have upped your blog game! I think I should learn a bit from you. lol very nice!

Really? You think so????????? How so? And thanks!