Roll Call 170

I’m having one of those days where I want to eat to enjoy instead of for hunger....does not help that we’ll be going to a cookout tomorrow.....

6pm here...fireworks already...hoping they stop by ten....

Gonna walk to the store buy snacks and coke then watch Netflix. I always liked watching documentaries about the universe, stars, black holes etc since I was a kid.

Today is a better day.

Glad that today is better ....

I like watching those too

I should have known I was going to panic because I walked into the store and felt indifferent to the people standing where I wanted to stand so I was like "Just pretend that you're looking at chocolate bars" - "Ok now, buy some chocolate - Be specific" then started shaking while standing in line thinking "They know that you've lost it - Some people are schizotypal you know? Just roll with it".

I walked out and found a podcast on Alan Watts "Psychosis and society", etc.

I realized that I was having depersonalization all day. Then the derealization hit at exactly 2am when I wanted to go to bed - Hands shaking, knees bouncing, heart starting to beat faster and I looked at the letters and numbers on the computer - Looking at the holes in all of them and then thought, "Oh crap.."..

Never smoking weed again.

I probably should phone the after hours number for PHP but im very paranoid

Better picture

Has sassy used it yet?

It’s too quiet here....what’s everybody up to?

We’re just watching Christmas in July on Hallmark...I know it’s not to everyone’s taste but Its so peaceful.....

I was watching a netflix show about genetics, was looking up if I got an infection from heroin 3 years ago, then looking at different types of philosophies.

Everything is pushing against me but I'm going to keep going on and on. I won't give up.

For the first time, I'm not afraid of another panic attack. I'm not afraid of anything. If I get one, so be it. I'll sort it all out.

My panic attacks I'm sure would last 12 hours if I don't take a benzo. And I know that I'd beg for mercy and say "I'm going to die", end up in the ER, they'd stabilize my blood pressure, say "you're fine".

It's nonsense. But I have to make sense of it all. I've ignored a lot of notifications online already - But I'm going to open them and take what ever reality throws at me. I don't care.

I'll make a plan and do something. I'll ignore all of the people that want to harm me - People are doing their things together. I'll do my things.

A friend recommended that I switch my browser to a better one so I'm gonna organize all of my passwords cuz I have like 100+ passwords that I don't remember. I'm just gonna do things slowly and not rush - Enjoy what I'm doing in the moment.

JB Peterson was released from rehab to come off of clonazepam so I'm gonna watch the hour podcast that he made on benzo addiction.

No

And I’m playing beat saber on vr

I’ve pretty much modded my headset both on the outside and technically (software).

I bought a red padded head piece. It’s just a triangle with Velcro to attach. Makes a load of difference. And I bought hand straps for the controllers and installed those.

Just listening to music here. Preparing a little bit for class tomorrow.

I feel like I need the Stoic philosophy right now. I feel like the Stoics knew what they were talking about with respect to "weathering the storm" so to speak.

I tried some modern version of stoicism.....it worked for a couple of days but then it seemed too negative in a way.....

I love stoic philosophy!

I've never been this psychologically exhausted in my life

Gonna go outside and listen to the podcast. Need. More. Music though.

So many fireworks.....the village is setting them off in three locations so you can watch at home....

I just read part of Epictetus's handbook. Good stuff.

I'm also addicted to checking this forum lol

How do ween off of it and use as much as Job?

I just feel alone that's why

Edit: My brain is on fire. I'm gonna take an olanzepine

Watching Ready Player One

Here too made me jump at first

Took ashwagandha for stress

Hey getting ready for the fourth! Also considering trying to become a Mental Health Advocate but not sure if I should.