Roll Call 172

so anxious

The only good thing about the payment for T is that I don’t have to pay right away. I pay when I get money in. But I can’t go more than 2 sessions over if I haven’t paid. I’ve been on time this whole past year tho. As in honest and responsible with payment.

Everything is free for me.

But now Canada is 1.1 trillion in debt.

And there will be more debt! America is 2-3x in debt though

U.S. National Debt Clock : Real Time

Don't know what to do. Paralyzed.

Might sit out in the sun

Was wondering why I’ve been having headaches, anxiety, lack of energy and random depression/crying the past few days then looked at calendar. PMS. So annoying.

anxiety is better now

Hmm.. Ignore what I said. I'm feeling anxious now..

Will drink chamomile tea and take magnesium again

Awwwww...

I am sorry, Asparagae. Why did he fire you? Why did you fire the T?

Hugs. And do not wait--get on this now.

Hugs, Kit.

Hugs, falcon!!

Voted for a primary in my state.

So about the ketamine treatment... insurance doesn't seem to cover it. It costs 500 for each treatment! I might just do it once to see what it's like. Also, i need someone to drive me home.

There's a study where i could get it for free... or it might get teh placebo. That would suck. It's worth a try though but getting drives back home will be a pain. This is so inconvenient.

Hugs, Blue!!

So, the pdoc fired me because I was changing my mind about whether to see her or not. I think it was a valid reason. I just think my parents have so much influence on me. It's ridiculous. They wanted me to see a different psychiatrist. It's like they have this influence over me and it just wreaks havoc on my life.

I fired the T because, guess, my parents wanted me to. And they thought that my relationship with the T was toxic. Unbelievable. Why did I listen to them? I feel like my parents are bullying me to some extent.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow when I got to get into a car when doing my blood work... I can't get past this feeling... we're all going to die.

What is an example of wishy washiness? What specific thing happened? I have noticed in you a tendency to speak in quite vague terms often, without specific details. It makes it hard to know what is actually going on. Do you see this at all?

I cannot afford a T rt now either. Shame, but we do what we must do. I try to read stuff, do yoga, meditate, exercise. What I can.

Asparagae, I care deeply about you, I truly do. It has been my observation over the months listening to you that decision-making can sometimes be a challenging area for you. I relate to that. Do you have thoughts about what could be behind this difficulty? Is there fear about something?

For me, it is only the biggest decisions. My fear is that my life will be forever ruined if I make the wrong choice.

Hugs!!

Why do you think the parents have this powrr? Move out?

Yeah, thanks. It's fear about being wrong. Fear of sounding like a fool. Fear of sounding like I don't know what I'm talking about. Fear that others think I'm crazy or cracked up in some way. Fear of what others think of me in general. Fear of ending up on the wrong path.

Cause they have control over my money. So that translates to having control over my life I guess? Ugh. It shouldn't.

Depression awful. Pdoc not for 2 weeks. Gotta somehow make it.

Hey, Des, you ever try any of the AMPA drugs? Thinking of trying. My depression seems to be glutamate-related mostly.

I'm also still thinking about doing the intensive outpatient program. I think I need it. It would help me be less indecisive and less impulsive.

Had this same experience with my parents

Moving out was the. Single. Best. Decision. I’ve. Ever. Made.

But when we fail to decisively choose, it often creates more problems than had we made the "wrong" choice in the first place. It is just the wrong way to handle things, I learned. If we make the wrong choice, we just deal with it. Nobody is perfect. Not making these decisions is going to cause you more harm the longer you do it. Trust me, took me a long time to learn this. You need to correct this.

The other thing is that most people care overwhelmingly about themselves, not us. People are selfish. The other thing is that I feel that other people's opinion of me is actually none of my business. It is theirs.

Hugs.

I remember taking oxiracetam and it definitely improved my focus - But it was a tough time for me. I don't remember much - Even though it improves memory. I didn't take it for long.

Last year I tried aniracetam and it didn't do anything.

I don't know much about AMPA drugs. Ibotenic acid (In the Amanita muscaria mushroom) is what I haven't tried - It's supposed to be an agonist.

An antagonist (L-Theanine) didn't do anything for me.

Don't use colouracetam. It's not tested and people develop permanent tolerance - Which is a red flag for me.