Roll Call 172

Probably. Actually this student doesn't really mind and is understanding. But I just feel bad for cancelling because I've done it like a few weeks in a row. I feel like I should be able to just teach the class. Oh well. Just feel like I am letting people down.

ordered doordash

Popeyes!?

Lol I almost did, Wendy's this time

Really liking The Velvet Underground tonight. Their song "I Found A Reason" is awesome.

At first, good. Now, not so good.

Gmorning!

I woke up today as if nothing wrong with my mental health ever happened. Hopefully it stays that way.

I'm doing ok this morning. Just kind of depressed. I mean I feel like the meds are wrong. Maybe they are right. I still don't know whether to do the Intensive Outpatient Program that my past therapist recommended because my parents will likely have a fit over it. If only I could get my pdoc to agree to it. I wish psychiatrists could be contacted on demand more. Whatever...

I suppose I'll just have to wait to see a pdoc. I'm still up in the air about whether to see my old pdoc versus a new one. I have appointments next week with both a new psychiatrist and my old pdoc (this is the one who didn't fire me of course).

I still don't know whether to find a new therapist or just to see the one I had seen before (once again, not the one I fired). So many decisions!

I'm looking at the other chemicals in coffee before I go to work in 15 minnutes.

I noticed that coffee improves my cognition (I just drank one this morning).

It says caffeine doesn't improve cognition but coffee does. There's a chemical in coffee called "pyroglutamate".

"There are more than 1,000 chemical compounds in coffee".

"It’s been shown to enhance brain function, increase metabolic rate, and improve exercise performance (1, 2Trusted Source, 3Trusted Source).

A regular intake of coffee has also been linked to a lower risk of dementia, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and type 2 diabetes".

Later I'll look up the metabolites of Vyvanse (There's a lot). I wonder if some build up in the system such as "4-hydroxyamphetamine, 4-hydroxynorephedrine, 4-hydroxyphenylacetone, benzoic acid, hippuric acid, norephedrine, and phenylacetone".

In fact I'll look up all of the metabolites of my meds.

Ok off to work.. Hope everyone has a good day =]

I feel like such **** for firing my counselor. I don't know what to do. Rehire her? It's not just the remorse I feel for firing her. It's the fact that she was helping me and now I feel much more depressed.

Zydis is on the tongue and liquids are available for others. Hugs and love.

Hugs, Des.

I hated zydis. Only because it gave me welts under my tongue.

I’m pretty sure the metformin is giving me a low-grade depressive mood.

Fantasizing about hurting my abusers. Will not act on it.

How do you know you aren’t just cycling? I guess why I’m asking is i don’t think metformin can do that in isolation but it could change the metabolism of your other meds.....you might need to bump up the AD.....

Yea it could be anything but it this specific feeling started a day or two after I started metformin. A lot of things started after I started taking metformin. All minor things tho. Little more energy, low grade mood seems like, more sleep at the right times (but could be cuz I’m getting out more), minor diarrhea, and some other things I can’t explain on how I’m feeling but they are extremely minor. The minor stuff doesn’t affect me.

I'm at work today and I'm bored. I get why we are furloughed a few days a week, but I'm scared we are going to have to furlough more. No word yet from unemployment nor any payments. It's been three weeks and nothing. I know they are slammed but people need their money. Work is stressing me out. I had to take a Xanax today. I'm here until 3:30 and it's now around 10 and I have nothing to do. I am answering phones and talking to the CFO when she needs something but basically yeah.......nothing. Lame for sure!

I've been feeling sad. I don't know why. If it is the COVID thing and how that is messing up my work. Or if it is more than that. Had some sui feelings yesterday. My Mom asked me if I was depressed. I just kind of shrugged my shoulders because I didn't want to tell her about the SUI feelings. She said, I hope not, you've been doing so good lately. Argh. Kit

Good news is some books I ordered are supposed to come in today, and a friend is sending me a book and another friend is sending me a book. That is nice!

Sorry you’re feeling bad...you know I think I read the other day that fda approved a med just for sui feelings.....can’t remember what it was though, let me double check....

Oh sorry it was just a ketamine nasal spray.....

I think when I was younger, when my diagnosis was schizoaffective depressive type...I think it was legit. Now that it’s schizoaffective bipolar type, I think it’s legit now too. Mental illnesses can evolve but they tend to stick to a certain pattern. Mine being schizophrenia baseline. But I seemed to have gained bipolar issues too since I’ve been in recovery.

I was trying to explain how I am to my therapist. The schiz part. She said she has never worked or maybe said has limited work, with people with schizophrenia diagnoses.

She mentioned that I have really bad paranoid thinking. I said I’m legitimately scared, yes, that bad things will happen to me constantly like someone trying to kill me or just anything really. But I told her sometimes I can hear myself saying the weird thoughts to people, but subconsciously some of the thoughts I don’t believe especially when I’m on meds. But like I told her I can’t stop myself from saying them like someone is making me say it like someone is controlling my body.

It's a good med!

Played a game on the VR called “Where Do Thoughts Go?”. The game asks u questions and u record your response and can hear others responses. Questions like “when did u first fall in love?” And “what advice would u give to your younger self”. Etc. peoples responses were very sad a lot of them. I started crying real bad when it asked me the question, “describe someone you miss”. I miss my grandpa. My dads dad. Never got to meet him or my grandma.

Hugs, Kit. Did u tell the pdoc or T?