Roll Call 176

Oh man, I had my sister pick me up a half gallon of mint cookie crumble ice cream. It’s so wonderful 😃

I’m not sure, but I hope you feel better

I took the cat outside and as I stared out into the nothingness, I felt the wind blowing - I was focused. "The 5mg Dexedrine has kicked in" I said to myself. A little panic came over me - "Are you ok?" said my sister. I think to myself, "Am I ok? - I'm in a new consciousness now.. Should I take benzo?" - No.. don't take benzo... Everything is the way that it should be..

Meditation is wayyyy more difficult without ADHD meds. It's EXTREMELY difficult. I never knew how difficult it was until I did it before bed when they have worn off.

But it seems effortless with the stimulant. I wonder if I meditate at moderate doses, my focus would get better - That's honestly what I believe. Because what monk has ADHD? Nada.

I'm going to try out this drawing tutorial of a wolf. I'm not gonna rush it though, will take my time on it

How To Draw A Wolf Head, Mexican Wolf, Step by Step, Drawing Guide, by finalprodigy | dragoart.com

Tomorrow I'm going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and buy a gift card so I can get the Pokémon sword expansion pass and Nintendo online membership.
Tuesday I'll go vote. Seeing my psych NP and therapist Wednesday. Will be nice to see them, at my appointment last month I was but now I'm doing good. Thursday I'm going grocery shopping and giving my friend some money so he can go pick me up one of the expansion sets to a card game I play. What else... Family Dollar for household essentials. Those are my plans for this coming week. Plus taking walks, and lots of reading. Cleaning too. I need to get on top of that.

I had a 1.5 hour panic attack. I think it's cuz I was procrastinating reading. I went onto discord and they were arguing about God. An Alan Watts meditation confirmed that we are all God (Everything is happening to us) and the opposite (We are the happening).

I developed depersonalization (Probably because of the two coffees I had, waking up early to take 15mg Dexedrine spansule). I then took another in the after noon when I'm supposed to take the whole two in the morning. I then took the 5mg tablet so it would last longer and I could be more productive.

But I'm getting nothing done - Just procratinating. No one was in the house so I started to freak out about when they'll be back.







I told my mom that it's bad OCD and she said that this would drive anyone crazy and it has for me.. I tried to feed my cat but had to open an new cat food bag so I needed scissors and I had thoughts saying "You're going to kill someone with the scissors".

My OCD is getting so bad now this past year. It borderlines psychosis and dissociative identity disorder.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. My ADHD feeling out interests and hobbies made everything worse - Like I'm so uncertain about everything. I know I'm not a pedo but the great wise trixie said that God is those things.

I just wanted to ****ing read and not deal with all of this ********.

I was on a chat on discord and they were talking about god and many people think that he's gay. Why? Like a certain awareness of certain defining things makes people closer to god. Mind you I was an atheist before my bad trip (Which happened right after I was severely disturbingly sexually harassed) and then I became a pantheist.

So I just need to use my logical mind but I don't care about this because it takes time to solve as if it's a psychosis.

I need to tell people often about the intrusive OCD thoughts because not saying anything is worse than it people don't believe that they're not true.

I've never even heard of what POCD is until I found people with OCD talking about it.

Feeling much better. The thoughts are gone. Going to sleep. My mom said to tell my psychiatrist in the morning about this stuff.

I see my psychiatrist in 2 hours. I'm not sure what to say. Because all of the OCD thoughts are gone and I'm not panicking right now. I feel fine.

If anyone wants to visit islands this weekend in AC, I have my nintendo online membership

Yay! Totally we’ll have to exchange codes!

Let’s exchange codes! Oh wait I have your code but I need your airport code!

Saw my NP. He’s says I’m doing much better than I give myself credit for! Yes! Says I just need to get on a good sleep schedule and do stress management!

I saw my psychiatrist. I wrote my psychedelic trauma before I saw him and read it out to him. He said it's very disturbing - Because it is.

He's going to write instructions for my doctor to put me on "Invega Trinza" - So I'll be getting that injection every 9 weeks.

I told him that the olanzepine is a life saver for me and he was surprised that it helps with dissociative panic attacks.

I told him that I asked my doctor for 10mg Dexedrine tablets and he gave me two weeks of 5mg tablets so my psychiatrist thinks that my doctor is responsible enough to deal with the stimulant doses.

So far things are good. I read a chapter of the book I'm reading before the appointment - Not sure what to do now but I'll sit in the living room.. Hopefully no panic attack this evening =]

I'll give you guys them tomorrow

It has been an interesting time as of late. I have come to understand that changing is difficult.

I am sticking with the new psychiatrist because I know the relationship I had with my last pdoc was unhealthy.

It was difficult to make the call today to my new pdoc telling the office what was up with me. But she's going to call me either today or tomorrow to figure out what to do.

I feel supported.

My cat Esther seems to be doing good on the antibiotic and the other meds. She has to go in on Thursday to get her blood glucose checked again because last time the Frutosomine test showed it was kind of high. It's cause she likes to snack so she snacks all day and it's hard for the insulin to work right that way. She's like me though, we're snackers.

Got inspired by ya'll and crocheting that I bought a crochet book and some yarn and a hook. I'll see if I can figure it out. I'm sure you tube will help.

I bought the owner of the business some flowers today and had them delivered to her office because it's her birthday! She said thank you twice and said that she loved them. She said I surprised everyone at the office because they didn't know it was her birthday. I guess I outed her! Whoops! It feels good to make someone happy y'know? I hope it looks like the picture on the website because that was cute but so often it doesn't look like that. This one was like a little cake made out of flowers (not edible) with a birthday balloon.

Got so much done today. Saw my NP. Did that and had the maintenance guy come by to fix something and I wasn’t scared cuz I already had gotten out around people today by myself with no one with me!

Still need to make an appt with an obgyn. But I cleaned a bit and wore my hair down and dressed nice. Had a shower snd my mom gave me a bikini wax cuz she’s a licensed esthetician and cosmetologist.

When I talked to my parents on my lunch break, they said I had two big boxes waiting for me at home. I think these are the boots that I ordered!!!! So excited. I haven't bought new boots in probably four or five years so it is time. I splurged and got 4 pairs because they were between $33 and $45 each. And I got a pair for my sister for Christmas. More excited about mine though than hers.

sleep schedule is so screwed

I'm wondering why I'm so frozen mentally.

I'm gonna smoke some weed - It's time. There's nothing I can do about it.

I just want to escape.

Edit: I smoked some just now. I feel a little better. Gonna watch Netflix..

The weed seems to have allowed me to stay up until midnight instead of going to sleep early (9-10pm) to avoid life.