Roll Call 176

I was 10 or 15 minutes late for vaping because I got confused about the time. The volunteer *****ed at me for like 2 minutes. She wasn't going to let me come out, but the receptionist opened the door for me. There was plenty of time for a decent vape. Some of the people here are drunk on power.

I wish I were back in my apartment.

Did you guys vote yet?

......Yup

Oh Bluebird, I asked around. People said when you just start crocheting it’s better to get the 100% cotton yarn rather than the combination that I got. They said it’ll be easier. My yarns are really soft so they’re kinda hard to hook into the holes and they crumble easily.

I voted weeks ago....

Oh okay, thank you! That’s good to know. I’ll have to get some. I definitely want to keep trying!

The weed last night gave me nausea. I threw up.

One of my friends wants to give my birthday present by herself on December 12th, like dropping it by to my house. She won’t come inside but I’m having anxiety already thinking I have to meet people But I would feel bad if I refused, she already bought the present.

You need to find another coping mechanism than weed. You always feel awful the next day.

It did put me in a good mood though. A really good mood. I wish sleep didn't kill my good moods. I always feel so much better right before I go to bed. Music sounds better, my thoughts are better, everything..

Idk I'm on olanzepine now. It seems to be a good mood stabilizer. I feel ok today =]

But yeah.. I hate that I need to cope with motivation. My psychiatrist said that in 3 months we'll talk about motivation. So I seem to be doing better.

Man I'm craving chili like crazy, super spicy. It's the perfect weather for it now. Maybe I'll make some for my Christmas dinner. I have a crockpot. I know that's not what people traditionally have for Christmas but who cares, it's what I want.

So it’s just nausea but you’re mentally fine? That’s good then. I’m glad you’re doing better. I don’t know what happened to me nor how I did it but I have motivations most of the time now (like about 4-5 days a week), after years of feeling demotivated and numb.

Make it now, who cares about tradition

Yeah some days are better than others for motivation. I have maybe 1 day a week if I'm lucky. It'll get better eventually.

I feel like I'm in a state right now where I'm just waiting to move to the island with my family - I'll have a place to be outside of my room to be creative and focus etc.. People will motivate me.

Other people are my biggest motivators. It's like.. (Deep thought here): When someone is next to you compared to not (Especially if they're talking to you), you are much more alert.. Like thinking that a hallucination is real.. You're 100% focused and want to connect. Like how people in relationships connect through hard drug brain chemistry.

Cuz what the hell are we doing here? We wouldn't be typing on roll call if everyone was just AI's and weren't real.

I find that I can start and finish watching movies easer when my dad is here because we would watch a movie almost every night. Connection is important.

I've been in isolation for so long that ME is all I know - On chats helping suicidal people and listening to music, sleeping, work, school (Although too tired to wake up).. That basically all I did for years.

Yeah I understand. Must be hard for you moving to your current house. I remember you posted your previous bedroom here on Roll Call. Looked much bigger than now. It really helps to have our own comfortable and peaceful place. Like we want to have people around when we want to interact but at the same time we need our safe place when we feel like being left alone. I hope you’ll move from there eventually.

And yeah connection is important. (Just a side story, I have a friend on discord who is severely depressed. He can’t make a connection with people due to his autism. I feel bad for him so I became his friend. But later on I found out that he has this “I’m always right” mindset and he would be passive aggressive towards me when I disagree with him about something, not to mention that he has this habit of making me feel stupid. I told him he needs a therapy because he needs help that I cannot provide. But he refused to go, making 101 excuses about it. He’s an ISFP. So I closed my DM from him as he triggers my trauma. But we still talk occasionally in the server with other friends). So yeah connection is important to our mental health. Isolation is against human nature.

Yeah I met some friends on discord that were on the "schizo-autism" spectrum. The owner of the servers added me and wanted to learn neuroscience from me. Truth is I don't know that much about it. She said, "How do you know all of this while having executive dysfunction?" - I said that I'm telling the truth that I the things I listed that I do, I only spend a few minutes a day on. I posted a conspiracy meme and she said "I don't like conspiracy theories" - I'm not even into conspiracy theories and honestly I would like to be but I don't have the energy for that. I left because she was so judgemental and expected me to be a genius. It was annoying.

They were all such cool people but a little narcissistic. At the end she said she also had antisocial personality disorder so w/e.

Oof that’s annoying. Yeah I was talking to that friend on DM for a year until he reached my patience’s limit. I think we all here on Roll Call are healthy compares to other online support groups I’ve been into. We support each other while at the same time not afraid to voice out our honest opinions. And we take each other’s advice or constructive criticism well.

I'm glad she's doing good with the meds I hope her blood glucose goes down

Yay!! Let us know how it goes

Yes let us know how it goes. You can post it in the art thread as well if you want

I wanna crochet now

Yes I voted in early voting

I have something to tell y’all.

I do not think I will be going through with school anymore. I believe I will be giving it up indefinitely.

Idk if it’s my meds or illness but I can’t do school for some reason. I understand the material but maybe it’s overwhelming for me or something idk, with the amount of work, idk.

I seem to do excellent with my business and I am persistent with my business (my writing) but I can’t for the life of me do school. I had high hopes for this year with it but I can’t seem to grasp the amount of work and stuff like that that I need to do.

I had put my business on the back burner this past month, even my writing for fun. But I am going back to it.

Sorry I let u down guys

No, luv, you didn't let us down.