Roll Call 176

I feel this way/have noticed this too

I can't wait to be a college student again. Will be good for me

Just had a panic attack, seems to be calming down now though

Is it bad that I look forward to taking a zopiclone? I like the drowsy feeling that I get.

I take 3.75mg every night to sleep. It's not really a med of abuse. When I took a full 7.5mg, I'd meditate before it kicked in and I'd fall asleep in 20 minutes - I'd get a nice drowsiness but I didn't really care because I usually feel good already lately - Even though I'm somewhat situationally depressed. Now it can take about an hour to fall asleep - But at least I sleep.

During the days when I was more of an addict, I enjoyed a 0.5mg clonazepam after having a panic attack and being awake for 3 days due to anxiety. I melted into sleep.. I remember being in rehab and wishing to have that feeling again.. But I was prescribed a dangerous antipsychotic called "Nozinan" instead of something "addictive" - It was good because maybe I wasn't ready yet. I was too young, immature, traumatized, etc..

Ever since my bad trip, I mostly stopped abusing my meds and when I did, I did it extremely carefully. Now I've been prescribed 5 different benzos this year and haven't abused them - So I'm not dependent. The panic attacks were caused by the bad trip.. If I abuse benzos, how can they help me with panic? Fear and the more common sense that I have now is much stronger than pleasure for me.

Awareness also overrides euphoria for me because I want to use substances that benefit me in the long term like the stimulant for example. I'd take an extra maybe 2-3 times a month but if I take as prescribed, I'm just more of an upper than downer person anyways.

Alexander Shulgin in his book "PIHKAL" says that he didn't like heroin because it made him unmotivated and not care about anything - And he needed to get work done!

Saw this on FB, had to share here lol

lol you stole my meme from facebook lmao.. it's funny.

Lol I saw it on another friends page lol but yeah it's funny

I'm just gonna keep reading this book and shut myself out from reality. It gives me anxiety to not know what's going on in the world so might as well be in the basement again - But this time I'm actually focused on something.

[funny, crazy story ahead]

I’m literally exhausted. Mentally and emotionally.

Ugh. So my sister made a post about her family getting kicked out of church because they refused to use sanitizer, which was required of them to be in the building for service. She posted how hand sanitizer has a lot of chemicals in it. But now that I think about it, isn’t it supposed to in order to kill bacteria and infection n shyt?

Anyway. I had shown my mom the post because I thought it was slightly ridiculously funny. Sorry, I just think it is. I guess my sister offered to wash her hands but they wouldn’t let her. They wanted her to use hand sanitizer. Anyway there’s a whole bunch of people agreeing with her on her fb. Calling the church evil and all that.

Anyway my mom called me later and she’s all drunk talking about “I don’t even want them to come to thanksgiving now. Why won’t they use hand sanitizer? Had I known they were like that I wouldn’t have asked them to come visit” And some other crap that I could barely make out cuz she been drinking.

My family is a huge mess. At least them two. And I’m just tired and I don’t wanna go to my moms for thanksgiving. I just don’t man. I don’t.

My sister is a health freak btw. Maybe a bit of a Karen too but so is my mom.

Hand washing is actually more effective than sanitizer......

Yea so I was told by them but I feel this is so ridiculous. The situation. Yes I feel bad she got kicked out. I hate that. But now my mom is getting drunk and upset over it. And my sister has like 80 comments talking about how the church is evil. And she talk about how she being discriminated against. And my sister was just telling me the other day how I shouldn’t live in fear cuz I’m black but all of a sudden she posted that her being discriminated against is “so scary”.

Yea I had gotten into an argument with her over race like 2 days ago.

Her and my mom are a literal Karen and don’t understand society for what it is. Period. The whole situation is so ridiculous. I mean not the sanitizer thing so much alone, as that and this whole thanksgiving situation. I KNOW it’ll be a shytshow.

I might be getting a 58 inch tv for christmas... it's not a smart tv but it's only $219 bucks... eep (the perks of my mom working at a department store for 30 years). I'm excited

I might have went a little overboard ordering food the past week, but at least I won't have to deal with panicked grocery shoppers when we go into lockdown again here, which is very likely gonna happen

Yeah we may have lockdown again too....

Smoked some weed and it slowed down my brain quite a bit.

Newtus my dad just facetimed my sister drunk talking about people dying and he was singing etc.. But he's often drunk lol.

Oh fack all the bad thoughts are coming forth for me to deal with lol...

Great introspection;

"Introspection is the examination of one's own conscious thoughts and feelings.[1] In psychology, the process of introspection relies on the observation of one's mental state, while in a spiritual context it may refer to the examination of one's soul.[2] Introspection is closely related to human self-reflection and self-discovery and is contrasted with external observation."

My anxiety is so bad tonight. I think it's because I drank 3 big cups of coffee today.

Just took my klonopin.

I think when I next see my NP I'm going to discuss getting off my meds and onto a monthly injection again. I think that would be best. I could still take the metformin since I can crush that pill and klonopin as needed because it's small and doesn't scare me as much. But drop all the other meds and get onto the abilify injection. (I've taken abilify before but in pill form). I've been going back and forth in my head over what I should do and I am finally making a decision. I will discuss it with her at my next appointment

And it's a cryin' shame you came all this way cuz you won't find Jesus in LA

I feel like I'm not a real person cuz of my deteriorated cognition, anhedonia, apathy, lack of desire and avoidance of relationships, inability to start tasks, focus, antipsychotic medication, can't trip - Added all to COVID, economy, the past, present and future, existential dread, trauma, fear of panic, etc

Oh, Blue ! You qnd your coffee !!!!!

Hugs !!

Went to a great church in LA once.

Walked all the way to Family Dollar and there was a sign saying their hours have temporarily changed. Oh well, maybe I'll try again later