Roll Call 176

I'm trying to figure out what the hell happens to my eye movements during dissociative panic attacks;

"Saccadic eye movements and their neurological control signals change significantly as the human fatigues. Electronic instrumentation with a band-width extending from DC to 1 kHz enabled the recording of anomalous looking saccadic eye movements that occurred as the subject's physiological state changed. Fatigue can produce: overlapping saccades in which the high-frequency saccadic bursts should show large pauses; glissades in which the high-frequency bursts should be much shorter than appropriate for the size of the intended saccades; and low-velocity, long-duration, non-Main Sequence saccades in which the motoneuronal bursts should be of lower frequency and longer duration than normal. As few as 30 saccades of 50 deg magnitude or a longer sequence of saccades as small as 10 deg can produce these aberrant eye movements and their concomitant neuronal firing pattern variations. The effects of fatigue could explain some of the variations between and spread within published data for velocity vs amplitude of human saccadic eye movements. Measuring the resistance to eye movement fatigue could become either a common clinical tool for diagnosing specific or general disease states, or a research tool for studying dyslexia or fatigue."

So I'm fatigued when it happens? Well duh. It happened when Vyvanse wore off.. But there's also a lot of psychological issues too like lack of focus - And people with ADHD tend to have these movements, analysis suppression, etc..

Ah nvm I'll come back to this later. I'm gonna talk to my doctor and an optometrist because it's not normal to be re-focusing 50 times a second during a panic attack no?

More on this;

"The discriminant analysis resulted in three eye movement measures; the scanpath length during the free viewing test, the horizontal position gain during the fast Lissajous paradigm of the smooth pursuit test, and the duration of fixations during the far distractor paradigm of the fixation stability test. An integrated score using these variables can distinguish patients with schizophrenia from healthy controls with 82% accuracy."

"Eye movements reveal a dissociation between memory encoding and retrieval in adults with autism"

And I'm always in a constant state of fatigue so idek it just gets worse at the end of the day - Especially if I wake up early for work which is when I usually have panic attacks.

I don't think it's cool that I continually have doubts about graduate school, even when I'm about to start writing my thesis. Yikes. This is not too fun. I don't really know what to do other than just keep plugging along. It's not like I really wanted a MA degree in the first place. My true passion is writing fiction, and nobody validates that in real life. I wish someone could put together all of the thoughts I've had in the past and determine what I should do. I've always had serious doubts about school in general. I guess I could quit. School is not something that has come easily for me. Through psychosis and depression and whatever else, school has never been good to me. It's always unforgiving and demanding. That's why I always want to quit. If that could just penetrate the skulls of anyone I talk to, perhaps they would understand what I'm going through. People point to the concrete achievements I've had in my life. I don't particularly care about those. It took a lot of effort to graduate high school. I feel like I don't fit in at school. I never fit in. It's still this same stupid dynamic. I have had to put forth so much effort to keep this train going. Maybe if I were a doctor and already had an MD degree or something, then I could do life the "correct" way. But if I quit, then people will say "oh, you didn't finish your MA. Why?" I want to just tell them no reason at all. Why should I have to justify this stuff? I am weird no matter what. You can't get me without weird. Anyway, I don't know what the point of this is, other than complaining.

Sitting in bed with my cat and drinking chamomile tea.

I get the Invega Trinza injection this week. Not sure what the dose is.. I'm then gonna get a refill of my meds (Enough for my 10 day holiday).

I bought this med bag on Amazon to put my meds and supplements in while travelling;



I'm gonna read for a bit then sleep for work again in the morning.

Can somebody pleeeeeezzzzzzzz add me back on snap? Hadda reset crappo phone.

Send me your username! What is it?

If you have the same username, you are already added on the group.

I took my meds last night. No more physical pain. Only feeling weak.

That’s good. Sorry you’re feeling weak

Thanks. I’ve been sick for two weeks now, can’t play with my art and it’s depressing 😞 But I will be fine.

Just seen that one of the two girls I used to work with, that I had tried to make friends with at work has deleted me from Facebook.

going to my dads today and grilling/watching football

fiancé sprayed old spice body spray on himself and it’s making me dizzy-feeling.

I’m craving steaks with black pepper sauce and mushroom sauce and mashed potatoes.

Waiting on my sister to get here

Yikes, I think last night's weirdness about quitting school again was due to reducing the Klonopin so drastically. I took the regular amount of Klonopin today and feel a lot better.

I need to explain this stuff to my pdoc.

Yeah, I feel that. That happened to me once with a friend of mine, (well, I thought he was my friend), but he deleted me from Facebook for no apparent reason. Sucks when that happens, especially if it's someone we've tried to make friends with.

I’m dealing with bad agoraphobia right now

Had a good time with my sister

She said my apartment looked very clean, very relieved about that.

She's gonna help decorate my apartment for my Christmas gift

I think when I go to Family Dollar tomorrow I'm gonna grab a shower curtain and a tablecloth. I don't have either. I have a shower curtain liner just not a regular pretty shower curtain.

Treat yo self!

Is it just me or does it seem like we've all been supporting each other really well during these tough times? I just got this feeling lately like we're all going through challenges but are managing our stuff. It's a good feeling.