Roll Call 189

Kittens are super playful. My moms friend bought a kitten and it had ADHD.. Really bad ADHD..

Kitten Ritalin is needed.

As a person that has used ~50 different psychoactive chemicals (Not including psychiatric meds), I can say that MUSIC.. Yes, music.. Is a very powerful drug. In fact, one of the most potent.

I was listening to a podcast that was talking about making music illegal at certain points in history - I forget what was said though.. But there is still music censorship that varies by country.

When I had terrible numbing anhedonia, all I could listen to was techno music with heavy repetitive beats. With the lyrics that were rarely in between, it had an ecstatic type quality about life. I was extremely depressed and alone, wanting a life that I could never have - Because there was something horribly wrong with me. I still can't explain what it exactly was.

Then once I healed, my listening branched out into every other genre like a spider web - Or mycelium.. Like after I swallowed the mush serotonin replacement chemical. Mixed with classic rock, it was so euphoric. Followed again by demonic energies - and once that passed, then a serotonin releaser.

It effected me so much that I started to learn playing guitar. My dad was amazed at what I was playing - So he gave me his guitar. It's worth like 10k dollars. 3 years ago, the friends I had who were teaching me guitar said that I learned so quickly that I would be better than them eventually - If I kept playing.. But I didn't.. I feel like I need inspiration again.. idk..

Serotonin is important.. Because music is repetitive.. Then the build up is dopaminergic. If u have too much dopamine already, I can see how the whole thing is just a lack of feeling anything.

So this was amazing for me to read about limiting beliefs....picture a baby elephant held in place by a metal stake with a rope tied to it and the elephant. The baby elephant is just a baby and can’t remove the stake and it learns that no matter how hard it tries it just can’t but as the elephant grows to full size it could clearly pull it up, but it has just stopped trying. It reminds me of something my first pdoc said about just because you weren’t good at something in the past doesn’t mean you aren’t good now. Anyway this elephant story is part of the book limitless which is really good. Jim kwik.

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We read that and got a handout about it when I was in my day treatment program, it's good

Going to do some yoga

I need to buy some eggnog soon so I can have some, I love it. (non- alcoholic)

I'm looking at body washes. I want to get more motivated to shower so I'm going to buy myself a nice body wash, I found a coconut/coffee body wash that sounds good

My sleep off my APs vs my sleep on them

I can't escape this hell

I took a small microdose and an extra Vyvanse. I plan to be up until 3-4am. i work tomorrow at 9am.

Feeling a bit better. I'll have to tell my psychiatrist about this INCIDENT.

I need off of the Invega. It is cruel to sedate me like this when I have no psychosis.

Maybe I need to exercise. I feel like running many MILES..

My dad is coming to visit for Christmas.

It's probably because of the invega that you are free of psychosis. I hope you feel better soon.

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I was going to get eggs at cvs but that section, the eggs, milk, etc was completely cleared out. Never seen it that way before.

It’s really cold outside but I enjoyed my walk. I wore a hoodie, a beanie, and my winter coat.

Could be a combination of thanksgiving with shipping issues due to covid.

My mom told me to go for walks even though its cold out - It's still sunny so..

I cant be on the computer all day - if it was summer, I'd go for hikes and stuff or use my mountain bike. This summer was mostly too hot for that.

Thanks.. I took a full zopiclone and .25mg of clonazepam to overpower the 30mg Vyvanse. I fell asleep and woke up feeling better.

I love how when I come home from anywhere or even just from going downstairs to get the mail, when I get back the cat is so excited to see me

Just took another walk

I'm able to do things now. The alcohol really messed me up so I messed up yesterday but today is a new day. I had a good sleep, worked from 9am-12pm. All the chores are done.

There's many questions that I've been asking on Google, leading me to reddit posts and articles. I'm trying to piece everything together. The podcasts that I listen to and when I sometimes read books, I'm connecting dots.

My doctor told me to just read mystery books or something but he doesn't understand that I need to build more knowledge and more have life experience to be comfortable with even saying anything, forming opinions etc... He's old so it's easy for him to say - Although I give him credit for saying that I shouldn't research too much about my mental illness and physical problems. He encourages exercise and simpler things.

I did try hiking after work for two days in a row this summer and it zapped all of my time so I gave up. I need to balance everything and not go from one extreme to the other. Last night wasn't good at all.

Practicing gratitude and mindfulness should be important. I was feeling that way last year (Or the year before?) - It was amazing. I want to get to that place again. I have experience enough now with my mental illness or life that I know what is good for me and what isn't. I shouldn't have to put my mom through distress by ending up unwell regularly.

I took a bit more of phenibut today so my mood should improve more - It's well deserved. I'm not going to smoke weed for a while because it slows down my reading by like 90%.

And maybe you're right @Angelique67.. I'll just decrease the Invega to a medium dose instead of impulsively wanting to stop it completely right away. My meds are pretty good right now.

I'm at over 5,000 steps today so far. Which is a lot for me. I used to get 10,000 steps or over daily a few years ago. I remember some new days I used to get up to 20,000 steps Now I average 1,000 to 2,000 a day. I'm trying walk a lot more.

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I liked the book keep sharp by Gupta....it summarizes most of the latest brain advice without focusing on mental illness.

I started reading "The Brian That Changes itself" by Norman Doidge - It's about neuroplasticity.

But I'll give keep sharp a read as well. I'm also interested in "Jim Kwik" ^-;

Yeah Jim kwik is awesome too

Now I'm feeling nauseas BB whyyyyy