Roll Call 189

My sister is pissing me off. She has some paperwork I really need to turn in to my apartment complex and she just isn't giving it to me, like she was supposed to come the past two weekends and she didn't, then she said she'd come this weekend but according to her Facebook posts and pics, she's up in the Adirondacks for the weekend. The paperwork needed to be in like 2 weeks ago. I just received another call about it, I'm gonna get in trouble because of her

She's really become unreliable over the past several months. I think I'm going to see about getting myself made as my own payee instead of her and make sure any important paperwork from SS comes to me instead of her from now on

I'm gonna take a shower and use one of my new soaps

It bothers me that my mom shouted at me two nights ago and said that I'm not sui. I've been thinking about it at work for like 2 hours. Its like she's challenging me. I'm going to ask her why she said that.

Maybe I need phenibut again when I get home. I'll continue to taper on it though..

I Googled "How to cope with sui thoughts" - I'm not having those thoughts.. its just philosophical and I'm annoyed. This isn't normal.

Careful i think it can make you a bit tired.

Yes it did, I fell asleep like 30 minutes after taking it and slept a couple hours, it made me exhausted

Just took a shower and used the lavender lemongrass soap, it smells amazing, and made my skin really soft. Then I put on some of the pina colada lip balm which also smells amazing and it feels good

I feel so bad for getting mad at my mom two nights ago

Why did I do that

It seems like I'm depressed

But who isn't these days - The anti-vax people maybe

My imagination has always been more real than life

I’ve just been sitting here peacefully all day...bf comes home and yells at me for not turning on the light downstairs....I swear there is a switch right at the door but he only wants to use certain lights. I really hate arbitrary rules. Not sure I can live here forever, still going to sell my place but maybe move somewhere else.

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I don't think I'm depressed - Although the phenibut did kick in.

I'll try my best to get back to normal. It's >4pm and I made a strong coffee.

I'm not sure why I had so much energy yesterday. I cleaned my whole room and looked at where everything is and then went to sleep early. At work today, I've been amphetamined up, came home and did the chores I needed to do and then winded down with CBD weed.

My bosses last day was yesterday and it was the last day of the restaurant being in business. I went to my bosses house after work to hang out. We had some drinks and an old coworker came over and chilled. But after he left things got a bit weird and intense . We like to have friendly debates bc we have differing opinions on things but it stays friendly. But last night we were talking about covid and vaccines and my boss suddenly got very heated over what I was saying .he said the virus was made by the government to which I laughed. It really seemed to me that he didn't understand the science behind vaccines in general and past viruses that killed many people. Anyway he started to get mad bc I guess that he realized how dumb he sounded and doubled down on it. Then he tried to insult me and tell me I'm just a simple girl. I said wtf is that supposed supposed mean ? I've had many issues with him at work and his childish reactions but were usually fine outside of work .the whole thing weirded me out and I left shortly after. I won't see him again for a long time .he's moving out of state . But it just felt like he realized he didn't really know what he was talking abt then projected that onto me by calling me "simple"

Anyway good riddance I guess lol -__-

‘‘Tis the most stressful time of the year.....covid and flu season...

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The DMT analogue.. It fried my brain. I like to think Dr. Fauci funded the lab and leaked the virus - To make it seem like past pandemics, because it makes sense to my simple shroom mind. But many people in my family are geniuses and explain the statistics to me.. So I'm on the fence.

It's very easy to fall down the hole - Because it may be a spiritual thing (All created in my mind only). I read an article listing many autoimmune diseases from the vaccine.. And I then find out that my spots are autoimmune from a vaccine that I was told that didn't even cause the spots..

So I try to have empathy for everyone - Because beliefs.. are like split minded patients. Someone in the psych ward said to me, "In 2020 there will be New World Order" - How can I shake that off now?... I shouldn't have went to that place.. It was full of horrors. It made my mental illness much worse.

No matter how hard we try, opinions are just ego.. The soul is important - And many people are freaking out like "Imma save everyone from the money pedo people".. But really, our reality is a less than 1% ground reality of the higher dimensions above - Far more complex .. Unless our reality is a hologram projector of the higher dimensions meaning that what we do here, prepares us for them in an altered way.

You'd think that it is messed up that good things come out of the worst pain - But it would really be if nothing good came out of it.

Yin Yang JunkDNA.. Yin yang..

It's just what I get from listening to 5 minutes of alex jones so

But.. The microcosm is the most important - Family, gratitude, living in the moment, meditation, curiosity about learning forever, calmness..

Behind the curtain of everyday consciousness - Is hidden another, unutterably strange mental universe. Those who believe in the value of psychedelic drugs, see no clear distinction - Alan Watts.

"Here are my five favourite ways to practice gratitude:

Set time aside each day to make a list of what you are thankful for. Start with the tiniest details, and write down even just one thing. On days when you’re feeling empty – or just wanting an excuse to smile – go back and read some of your list. Ann Voskamp says it best: “When I give thanks for the seemingly microscopic, I make a place for God to grow within me.”

Tell other people “thank you” when they do something kind for you, no matter how small the deed.

Don’t allow other people’s bitterness or negativity, or any other outward circumstance, to influence your inner peace. Look for the best in everyone, and believe and say the best about them.

Anger, disappointment, failure, and frustration are parts of life, but don’t let them become your default emotions. Don’t be complacent and resign yourself to victimhood. Choosing to live from a place of gratitude brings peace.

Build gratitude around you with small, daily, unexpected, undeserved acts of love, compassion, grace, and forgiveness."

Don’t allow other people’s bitterness or negativity, or any other outward circumstance, to influence your inner peace. Look for the best in everyone, and believe and say the best about them.

I can do this when it’s just an Interaction in passing but when it’s people I care about who are close I cannot let it go.....

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id like to think im a pretty open minded person. i find it interesting to listen to the other side of the story, get a different perspective, listen to how other people formed their opinions on things. i think maybe last night my tone might have sounded a bit rude and that could be the reason behind his reaction. i do try to take responsibility for my part in situations, so looking back on it i think that could have been a factor. also we were both kinda drunk and pretty stoned lol. it was just weird how quick the atmosphere changed to tense and frustration. and i couldnt shake it off, so i ended up leaving.

Everyone that I care about are very nice to me but I understand how it would be if any of them weren't.

It's why I feel bad about getting mad at my mom. What goes around, comes around.

Yin Yang, SP.. Yin yang..

But my cat and I will have no bad interactions.

I'm gonna go for a walk tomorrow after work... And prepare to listen to a good podcast. Exercise + A clear, interested mind.

Then I can come back and feel better about the chaos.

Cuz I haven't been as interested in messing around with my new computer.

Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation - a treatment for depression...

I get roped into things quite easily. I was thinking about doing Ketamine last week so I started researching Ketamine (this is at a center where I live) and then they were like, "No, do TMS instead." And me being me, I was like, "Okay."

But I'm probably not going to do it.

They said Ketamine was bad for psychosis (I think they may be right).

And I don't wanna do TMS cause it's 5 days a week for a month or something ridiculous like that. I'm not depressed.

Why do I always think I'm depressed.

Now I'm just ignoring my family because I was supposed to have a Hanukkah celebration with them tonight and I bagged out of it.

Anyway, that's what is going on for me today. I was thinking about stopping my meds a couple of times recently. Whatever. It's fine.

There's no way I can get my thesis done with all these conflicting thoughts all the time.

I really wanna get rid of my cell phone. It causes so many problems. Just distraction and addiction-wise.