Roll Call 189

I gave my friend his Christmas gift today. It was a Luke Skywalker w/ baby Yoda Funko pop bobble head figure. He liked it I'm glad.

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So many directions... Where do I go.. Where do I go to feel free..

Getting my hair cut in January. My hair is a pain to deal with right now because it’s getting pretty long. I’m thinking something like this:

Just got my Covid booster. I feel pretty tired.

Yeah, I make social commentaries and they just don't go over well, especially on Facebook - I should just delete my account on there I think because nobody even interacts with my posts on there.

Nobody really understands my social commentaries.

And I've tried taking time to just turn off my phone and computer and that seems to work. I don't really care if anyone contacts me during those hours.

Damn it! I told you guys to stop getting those!!

No jk - Things will be good one day.

I can do things again.. I'll keep doing things until the end of time.

Or meditate. Either or. It's all good.

I’m nervous because I’m taking two walks tomorrow. One to CVS then later one to Family Dollar and the library. I’m hoping I don’t get anxious and dissociate. My agoraphobia has been acting up really badly lately. But I need to get myself back in the habit of going outside. I might take a klonopin like an hour before heading out just to be safe. The worst feeling is having a panic attack when your far from home and in public.

Hugs bluebird....hope it goes well.

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You're in a state that I mostly got out of - I feel you when reading this. Olanzepine helped me greatly.. I'm not sure what else would have worked. For me, it was caused by psilocybin-PTSD. So trauma causes this stuff.

An advice, from me, would be to try and be curious.. It's hard to be curious with this - Especially if you're depressed. Analyze every thought, feeling or experience..

Know your worth for what it is - It doesn't have to be mania.. But learn, absorb as much information.

Religion, just like anything else - If you're having a good time, it's good. You know when a religion dies is when people are thinking that it's a complete joke and messing around - But also when it's taken a little seriously, a touch, is good.. We intellectually analyze things to death as well which isn't good. It's all philosophical. All of life.

But think of small ways to improve. Don't give up hope. Life isn't supposed to be fear, dissociation and panic. We're supposed to FEEL.. things that are REAL.. Or idealize, dream and make the dreams into reality. I wish the best for you with much love, from us all here.

I had anhedonia with Job - He went through some really crazy **** as well.

I need to pick up my meds tomorrow too - It's supposed to be easy. I know how hard it can be - But people usually are in their own heads and aren't concerned with anything but themselves. Try not to worry - You'll be very much OK =]

Thank you!

Sometimes I wonder if it has something to do with when I used to get high on cough syrup/dxm when I was a teen. I used the do that pretty frequently I drank a massive amount one night, blacked out, hallucinated had a horrific experience then was completely messed up for a few weeks. I don't think I had panic attacks or dissociation before that. I must have messed up something in my brain.

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Thank you!

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I think I have a lot of anxiety from growing up being homeless with my mom. It was extremely stressful the entire time I was growing up. And her being depressed and an alcoholic. I love her but my life was very stressful from 7 years old and up. I think that's part of why I obsess and worry about getting kicked out of my apartment. I always thought it didn't have any effect on me but apparently it has.

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I should go to sleep now but I have RLS and I can't relax. Why do I have RLS every night?

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I feel depressed, moderately. I quit my job and I am trying to get it back now. Ugh.

I feel foolish for not being able to control my emotions.

I also feel like ghosting my therapist.

So my T would call this an impulse control issue....I never thought of it like that until she said it but it might help you to look into that. I feel it’s more a part of adhd than anything but you may see it differently.

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Yeah I feel like that's pretty accurate. I don't know how to control impulses. It affects my life super negatively. It's just, how do I get my psychiatrist to believe that I have problems with that?

I am going to reach out to another pdoc. Actually I already did. I guess my current one is just being extremely lazy in saying oh yeah you don't have any problems with impulses, that's something your therapist should be able to sort out, etc.

It makes me really angry to hear that.

He's said that before, where he's like, that's an issue you should be working on in therapy. And he assumes it's not because of the multiple antipsychotics I take, the multiple antidepressants I take, and then anti-anxiety med, etc. I mean it's ridiculous.

I did it! I walked to CVS w/o panicking or dissociating.

Downstairs they have a petition going to get a crosswalk on one of the streets nearby that doesn’t have one so I definitely signed that.

Hugs WA….hugs

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Glad it worked out

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Bf is in the ear doctor office and I’m waiting outside…..boring.

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I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow (over video). I'm gonna ask if I can come off any of my meds. Maybe see about coming off one if possible.

On Monday I have an appointment with the OBGYN. Dreading that.

New Years Eve should be fun. I'm going to watch The Witcher, then play the Animal Crossing countdown event till midnight, I'm also going to buy Pokémon Shining Pearl and maybe some new clothes that fit me better since I've gained some weight. Might order a pizza and wings. We'll see.