Roll Call 189

My dad left to visit my grandmother on his side and my mom is still at work. My dad might stop by (Coming back) on his way to the coast and then he'll be in Mexico again. I ended up waking up at noon and then cleaned the house for 3-4 hours - Organizing, vacuuming, shovelling snow, washing laundry etc...

These holidays weren't very good. We didn't get to go skiing because it was so cold and windy. My sister and her bf are isolating with COVID and can't fly back to the coast.

I feel bad for yelling at my mom - But it's her fault. She gaslights me and then makes me feel crazy and then I have to say sorry.

I haven't drank any alcohol today or yesterday - And I won't for a while.

All of my meds are good - I just feel quite dysphoric, unmotivated, uninspired, depressed and apathetic. But I have everything that I need. I'm just scared of how suicidal I was, the drug usage etc.

I don't know what to make of it all. I'm trying to find meaning in my thoughts and life, trying to figure out what is real. But I'm OK - I guess.

My doctor sent out the prescription for the abilify pills, I'll pick them up tomorrow

Maybe some baby books to learn sign language? You could try to learn some too, and have a special bond with her. HUGS

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I'm thinking about getting onto Risperdal instead of Zyprexa since the Zyprexa has caused weight gain.

My mom is so happy that I spent ~3 hours cleaning the house <3 I knew she was gonna come home feeling stressed and then had to deal with the mess that the house was in. Even counters are wiped with windex etc, dishes put away. It's good.. She had to work overtime so I was sitting..

Sitting with the new macbook pro, new phone, clean.. Everything is clean.

It's amazing how cleaning stuff can make you feel better, and those around you too. I did some cleaning yesterday and it made my mood better.

Risperidone 2mg was my first antipsychotic. Of course I stopped it! Why would a 16 year old NOT stop taking it?? Lol...

But sounds like a good idea.

It may have been my first antipsychotic as well. I think that was when Risperdal was still a brand-name medication, meaning there was no generic available. That was some time ago.

Took phenibut and a mush gummy. My mood has improved.

I am definitely going to see a new therapist. I cannot see any measurable progress with my current therapist. I feel like we've just beaten around the bush for 1.5 years. It seems like I have made positive changes, but not really because of therapy. Not to mention it is extremely expensive. Though the new one isn't that much cheaper. Whatever. I don't mind paying for it if it's going to help me.

We have to harness the divine energy of the manic people

Hey guys. Update about my sister, the doctor put her on Clozapine without trying any other similar med first. They also didn’t inform her about the side effects and don’t do a regular blood test on her. And her diagnosis is Borderline and Bipolar. So a double diagnosis eh? Doubt that is the case. They only met her once and throwing out diagnosis already. I’m so sick of the psychiatric system there. And my sister is very defensive against my advice. When I told her about Clozapine she said, “Doctor knows better than you”. She’s very fragile at the moment. Crying most of the time. Upset most of the time. And if we don’t do what makes her feel happy and secured she becomes suicidal. I’m so sick of mental illness.

Hugs 12am.....that seems extreme to use clozapine first but borderline and bipolar do tend to occur together a lot so I’m not as worried about the diagnosis being two especially given what you’re describing as her current state.

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Back on the abilify pills

My cat literally slipped out the door and ran down the hall, I had to run down the hall and catch her and bring her back in, thank God I live in an upstairs apartment and indoor apartment so she didn't get outside.

They're not having the self-care art group downstairs for a few months because of the rising Covid cases here

Apparently in my city there is a 1/4 positivity rate for all tests. That is kind of alarming for me. I think the vaccine works against Omicron though.

I have a bad caffeine withdrawal headache. It's been a few days without caffeine now. I went downstairs the get a diet coke to see if the caffeine in that helped but they're sold out of it. I feel kind of low in mood too and I know a little caffeine would help I do have matcha but that's the only caffeinated thing I have in the house. I might get some regular coffee tomorrow when I grocery shop so I can have a cup now and then but not overdo it. I think I stopped too quickly. Just took an ibuprofen.

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Just told my sort of mean coworker that I have schizoaffective disorder--depressed type and ADHD--inattentive type and Generalized Anxiety disorder. Maybe that will hush her up for a bit.


We sent two people home today because they are sick. One has tested positive for Covid. IDK about the other one. We have a rule where you are not supposed to come in sick. They are not following the rules.

Now I am worried I have Covid because they came to work.

Practiced ukulele for awhile. One of my goals for 2022 is to practice consistently and get better/learn to play more songs

That's a great goal, Blue_Bird!

Got my W2 today. Boy ADP is right on it!