Roll Call 190

I read it. It's so good. You'll want a sequel at the end, but he died before he could write it.

Good morning. I woke up at 9am! First time getting up before 1pm in over a week. I took my morning meds. Waiting on some prescriptions the be ready at CVS then I'm gonna walk there and pick them up. Feel good today

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Oh man major snow storm coming this week. So many predictions from a few inches to a few feet.

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I like Velveeta and Rotel

Worked 9 hr shifts the past 3 days. Get a day off today. Did a instacart pickup order from publix. I'll go get it around 4pm. So grateful for food stamps. Money is still a huge struggle for me.

I see psychiatrist in an hour.

Not sure what to say. My mind is a good schiz/adhd salad. Haha..

Ask for an invega reduction like you wanted yesterday?

Hi guys. Had a good weekend, painting and watching football. Cleaned part of my room too. Got rid of three medium sized bags of clothing that I am not really wearing. That felt good. Donating them. I should be getting my sketchbox soon. I am excited to see what is in it. They said you should get it around the first of the month. I can't wait to try out the art supplies in it. See my T tomorrow. Mostly doing good. Not being very productive but doing good. HUGS

I talked to the psychiatrist..

The antidepressant I said, shouldn't be serotonergic (Cuz they give me dissociation and make my heart beat weird).. So he mentioned Wellbutrin, gabapentin and pregabalin... (To take every day at a steady dose to replace the up and down phenibut doses). I said that pregabalin gives people bad withdrawal.. not sure about the Wellbutrin.

I'm supposed to take 300mg of gabapentin every night for a week, then 600mg for a week and then 900mg every night (Unless it makes me too tired during the day). Then, I stop the phenibut and hopefully the suicidal thoughts, apathy, anxiety, low mood goes away.

I told him what my mom said (To be honest, talk about the negative things and to take things as prescribed instead of buying chemicals online) - He said that I'm an intellectual? So "describing what I'm feeling to people takes 10-15 minutes of explaining when often people just say things in 1-2 words"..

I said that I wanted the Invega Trinza lowered to 350mg but I'm on 525mg every 9 weeks - So he prescribed 525mg every 12 weeks.. then I can lower it to 350mg after that.. My mom won't be happy with that but she's not a psychiatrist so..

I did this with the Invega Sustenna (3 weeks to 4 weeks) and it went bad - But there isn't NONSENSE in my environment anymore cuz of her.. So it will be good..

I feel guilty because I found out my 17 y.o. niece is on antidepressants. I'm sure her parents messed her up. But I still feel guilty/responsible/like I caused it or contaminated her someway with my Schizoaffective disorder. Then that makes me feel bad and like I need to be punished. I typed this out in a text to Julieanne (my T) and asked to SH contract with her for 28 hours.

You shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that <3 Although I get the feeling cuz my little sister was put on anti-anxiety meds at that age for panic attacks - I said, "Don't take the SSRI" so she didn't. I think my mom used all of her Ativan.

She is OK now in the end - Smart, spiritual, mentally strong, responsible, etc.. The has overcome the abuse in a way that I didn't.

13% of Americans are on an antidepressants - That's a lot.. Soon they will all trip although it's too late so the empire will still crumble, but with a bang.

To provide your niece love, support and encouragement is good - The same/similar things that you needed <3

Yeah I've been texting her (we live 5 hours apart) and I offered to set her up with a therapist. She hasn't told me yes or no yet though. She is a senior in high school and doesn't want to go to school. But she just has to make it one more semester. Then we are hoping she comes down and spends a couple of weeks with us during the summer. My Dad offered her $500 to help him paint the house. I could take some time off and take her to the aquarium of the pacific or some museums or something. Plus get her some art stuff. She likes to do art. I'm worried about her. But I do feel like I caused it.

Those are all very good and positive things.. The way I got help personally, was the chemical route - Whether it be meds, drugs.. Then I found my way, seeing through the lens of life.

But she has family and things to do - A good break to paint for cash is something therapeutic... She might not realize that.

I don't even realize therapeutic things that my mom got me to do - Such as helping out in the garden.. I liked seeing the museum with my brother when I went to visit him - I was taking clonazepam and shaking cuz I was so agitated but I remember... The thought and intention counts.

School is tough during the pandemic.. 3x increase in classroom incidents. Society is getting bad - We all have to find what really matters and heal, see the good things in life. We are all traumatized humans.

Soon, in a few days/weeks (Maybe hours..), you'll think differently. I will give you a ((hug)).......

My mom is making salad and cooking salmon

I am very starving for these things

Could it be genetic, Kit? Hugs to you!

I ate pretty healthy today. My goal is to lose 50 lbs. I will stay consistent.

I’m going to get my cats shots and spay by the humane society, there’s a clinic in the area that does low cost spaying. So I’m going to call tomorrow and find out what their prices are for people on limited incomes. And then my sister said she’ll drive me and Stash there when she has an appointment I just need to give her advance notice on when the appointment is so she can take a day off work to take me there.

I want to read but I keep procrastinating. It's extremely difficult. It''s extremely easy when I'm in the car though - I just read. Cuz there's no distractions.

Had an alright day at work today. Almost commiserated with someone today I shouldn't have commiserated with though. I am an idiot. I have been feeling down on myself lately. Just like I have kinda failed, etc. I constantly think about quitting the job. I know my thinking is clouding it right now. But it's really hard to ignore.

Yeah I do the same with reading. I feel like I'm not getting enough done when I don't read enough. It sucks.

Also I hate how my therapist and psychiatrist like basically conspire against me to make me believe that they are the only ones that can help me.

I am the only one that can help you!!

No.. but there's different energies that the treatment team can have. I like how my new treatment team is kind of hands off and just guides me.. They listen to what I say, take that into consideration - Then prescribe and such.

I've been basically trying to be my own therapist... You guys help me too.

My old treatment team thought of me as someone that was completely disabled while also unable to make decisions. The decision making is important - It gets better with time and age.

Don't worry, friend. Thought over emotion, thought over emotion...

I will read tomorrow cuz it's almost sleep. That is my goal.. My goal for tomorrow.. To take Vyvanse and read (If I'm not skiing).

I'll have to set a timer of turn off the wifi when reading. It's good in 2022 to have unlimited books but likely was better 20 years ago with no distractions.