Roll Call 190

I feel better now.. Drinking chamomile to relax.

I lied down and listened to a podcast about ketamine. I told my mom about Spravato (Esketamine) and she thinks it's a good idea to ask my psychiatrist about it - Just to lift my mood, get off of phenibut and prevent suicidal ideation etc..

I'm just juggling so many thoughts in my head and put a lot of pressure on myself.

Having trouble getting Interest in my new ikebana Instagram…..I still find it fascinating but I was hoping to share it with more people. I think some of it is my photography which isn’t traditional. Plus Instagram wants everything to be a square and it’s cutting off my photos. Also most of the ikebana people are in Japan so everything happens at night. I wonder if there are US ikebana groups because there is also a language barrier.

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I still need the olanzepine. I will not stop that yet.

I smoked too much weed, tried to focus and realized that I was stoned - So I decided to listen to Terence Mckenna - It was very enjoyable for me (Even though I was fading in and out and but it got better)..

- I searched what he said about the universe being "information", found a good metaphysical explanation from a spiritual teacher... While reading and listening to these things, it felt deep and transcendent? and I could see my imagination quite vividly! A little scary.. But interest lately (For me) has been overruling fear.

I read it again when it wore off (+ Dexedrine kicked in) which made my reading 20-30x faster and I missed all of the INFORMATION (Experience of non-judgemental western society thinking), as if it was nothing...

Look a little closer and you'll see
Things aren't always what they seem to beee

So it was a good time.. I feel like I want my mood to be higher when I'm not distracted/having enough dopamine.. I like to be productive cuz of the way society is - But in other ways, my mom could come home all stressed out and I could be like my dad, "Hey mannn.. How was work?" - Or any other stoner.

I get energy vibes from my mom because she's a control freak, so when my dad comes to visit, he gives me a different energy and I realize "Ah ok.. I can stop always feeling a sense of paranoia/on edge about everything that I do". Then I have thoughts like, ah yes.. I should be independent..

Where does productivity get me anyways? It's a Western societal thing.. Money - At the expense of unimaginable suffering.. Or even China, same thing..

I started looking at esoteric philosophy.. I want to know all about it..



As long as I don't lose my mind, I'm Ok.. But I'm always searching, scouring for things... I will find the golden seed and plant it in the pineal gland of a God.

Your pictures/flowers look great SP! I'm glad you're enjoying your new hobby. Sorry therapy brought you down.

I have a video appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning.

It's really cold today, I took a nap with Stash. I talked to the vet, they said all together with their low-cost spaying program: a spay, shots, and exam would come to a total of $200. So I'm going to do that in March

HUGS for everyone who wants one! I'm heading out for the day! HUG HUG HUG! Kit

im pretty interested in epistomology, the philosophy of knowledge, and how it applies to reality

Not to suggest anything to the contrary of taking Spravato, but one provider I tried to get ketamine from for my depression said that it would interact negatively with having a history of psychosis. So just be prepared that they might say that. I honestly think it's kind of stupid that they said that to me - that it was contraindicated or whatever because I have a history of psychosis. My regular psychiatrist was the one who recommended it. And this other ketamine provider was the one who said it was contraindicated. I trust my primary psychiatrist more.

I just thought it was kind of silly that even though my primary psychiatrist recommended it, the people at the secondary clinic said no. But oh well.

Super cold here too -9 this morning. Good luck with the pdoc are you changing anything?

Napping with stash Aww. In some countries they’ll rent out pets, I can’t commit to a full time pet due to allergies but I would love a rental.

Debating on either a hotdog or chicken nuggets with fries for dinner

Just saw an article about cluttercore and adhd in women…it’s so me and it has been since college….wonder if I’ve always had adhd?

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