Roll Call 190

I really hate life



Nothing can help me at this point. Maybe it will turn around but I don't even want to try. I don't know why.

We just have to keep learning lessons until we get it. Some don't.

I used to be an atheist and thought the universe would die a cold slow empty finite death and then I realize that everything is infinite but I'm still nihilistic about it except I know that it will 100% get better like a wave - Except I can't be sure if it's before or after death

I asked myself the question "Should I continue to live" for over a year now. I haven't decided yet. It's ridiculous.

Every hobby/task I do or try, I feel like I can't immerse myself in anything. My cognition is destroyed.

I don't make sense when I talk to people either. My mind is the creation of not wanting to exist. Every day I struggle to try and fix what's wrong with me and so much time has gone by. The people who were supposed to be helping me were actually harming me severely and didn't actually care.

I'm dysphoric as **** and Idgaf what happens.

I missed it. I closed my eyes around 5am and even though there were staff waking us up I was too tired to go. I don't know what they had, maybe donuts.

Did you do anything special today? Did you give Stash some treats?

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That sounds so good!!

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Oh I'm sorry to hear that

Yes I gave her treats Other than that didn't really do anything, tomorrow I'm having some little Debbie snack cakes, I'm looking forward to that, they were supposed to come today but they'll be here tomorrow instead

Sorry guys the alcohol made me feel really bad..

Hope you're feeling better!

I love snack cakes, like Zebra cakes!Stash is so cute! She reminds me of my cat, wish I still had one!

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Have you ever felt good after drinking alcohol? It used to guarantee me a good 12 hours or so. The hangovers were murderous though.

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Yeah I used to drink. I used to "feel good" on it. But then as you describe, the hangover would destroy me.

In general, I've never felt truly good after drinking.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-robert frost

It only felt good before I was put on meds - Then it was neutral. After the psychedelic bad trip, it has always been bad.

It gives a little dopamine though and relaxation for an hour and then I feel bad. I can't drink more than 1-2 drinks.

Not been around for a while. But hey how are you guys

I'm good! You?

I think you may have been the person a long time ago that mentioned the memory/dimension thing.. idk how to explain..

Yes I think I can remember but must have been a while back.

Had a good appointment with my therapist today. We discussed my problems with leaving the house and also my paranoia. I'm going to start going out into the courtyard to sit everyday, to get used to being outside of my apartment. And eventually once I get better at being outside without having panic attacks I am going to find somewhere to volunteer since it will be an easier first step than jumping right into part-time work for the first time. And I'm going to work my way up to getting myself to start going to church again at the church down the street for mass.

Sounds great bluebird……

SK hope you’re having a good time on vacation!

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For those not aware bourbon pecans are amazing….

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I am actually going down on Klonopin. Went down for the first time by 0.125 mg today. I feel a bit anxious to be honest.

I tried tapering off of 0.5mg of alprazolam that I took every evening for a few months - I was awake for 50 hours (That's the longest I've ever stayed awake - Even on stimulants). Doctor gave me 14x 5mg diazepams to take PRN.. I'd take 2.5mg when feeling dissociation (This was before olanzepine cured me), felt a nice muscle relaxation.... Eventually, I wasn't dependent on benzos anymore.

It's hard.. But you can do it!

The prize will be being able to take a PRN when feeling 100% overwhelmed/panicked and not be dependent =]

You should have a podcast….

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My anxiety is extremely bad lately, so is my paranoia. It's like consuming me. I need to do something, start meditating or something