Roll Call 190

I am reading a book on self-esteem called "The Myth of Self-Esteem..." by Albert Ellis.

It is a good book, and it engages my philosophical side, which is interesting.

I got a job helping students with their essays again, but I'm not quite sure I want to do it. Maybe I'll give it a go just because.

Good morning everyone. I am going off of caffeine today.

Hey everybody! Just caught up on the roll call.

Yay you’re back! How was vacay?

Are you ok today bluebird?

Went outside for a walk in the sun….think it helped.

The extra 30mg Vyvanse means that I skip 30mg today. So I took only one instead of two. I planned to take 0.5g mush - But I don't want to be emotional.. I'm not sure why. I'm going back to thought analysis. Not feelings.

Like a machine.

People make me as a machine. I also drank vodka. I blame the shaming of people that use drugs - Because not every drug is the same. Brainwashed.

And everything happens.. It all happens. Different worlds are everywhere.

Had a good few days off (but to be honest I could have used another week off of work). I relapsed today at work with SH so I think that was a good sign I wasn't ready to come back. I told my T who called me and I called her back because I was in a work meeting. At least I don't think I need medical attention. Waiting for my GP to get back to me on my med situation. I don't know what she is doing. She will probably get back to me at like 7 PM tonight. She's like that. Went to the ocean on Friday. It was nice but traffic was a killer. 2.5 hours to get there. 2 hours at the beach. And then 5 hours to get home. going like 5 mph on the freeway. Sucked! But I had a pretty nice few days off. I just need more of a break. I don't have the vacation time to do it though so I would have to do it without pay. And that sucks. So I am at work. Drinking tea. Trying to cope. HUGS for everyone. I missed you all.

Wow SK sorry to hear. I was hoping the vacay would be enough but sometimes we let things build to an extent that it’s just not. Can you plan in some self care for when you’ve got down time at work? If nothing else do some retail therapy….treating yourself is necessary.

Yeah, just stressed. Have a possible inspection tomorrow and have been cleaning. I'm just ready for tomorrow to be over. Wednesday morning I have an appointment with my psychiatrist

I'm gonna have a bad trip. But I'll try to learn and be positive.

Hugs bluebird I know you’ll do great on the inspection if they choose you.

Desoxyn what are on right now….you mentioned a bad trip…can you throw up or something or is it already digested. Also we would miss you too. What can we do to help you feel better?

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HUGS Desoxyn

HUGS Blue_Bird

It's sunny out here today too. It was in the 50's today. I have to be home most of tomorrow in case of the inspection but I think maybe Wednesday I'll try to get outside for awhile. Wednesday it will be 56 degrees, then it's going back down to 10-15 degrees for the rest of the week

I managed to take a shower just now after over a week without one!

It's ok. All I've been doing is crying. It's just a sad trip. I expected this. I did it on purpose.

It was 0.5g of mushrooms. Low dose. I'll be fine.

Reading this helped;

5 Truths To Hold Onto When Your Pain Feels Like Too Much

+ Every song that I hear with this, it's always something that is perfect for me. It's never like that sober - Where I struggle to find songs.

I miss the people that have seeked me out in the past. Lately, it's just been a never ending series of disappointments.

But it's OK. I know always that I'll be OK eventually. Lol..

I know it's stupid

I can’t stand hearing the people talking outside in the courtyard. It’s grating on my nerves and making me extremely irritable because I know they’re talking about me

I have a podcast on turned up with my earphones in to try and block them out.

This is the type of paranoia that happens to me. I think it happens mostly in mixed states - And could be anxiety induced.

There's things that can solve this - Possibly a good mood. Are you on an antidepressant?

+ All of the things that help with stress/depression. Hard though during pandemic.

I once was listening to loud music while hearing voices and I still heard them. It's hypervigilance. The right meds help, benzo (If you haven't taken in a while) but olanzepine works for me. Just too much noise - Overstimulated.

Yes I'm on two ADs (Zoloft and Wellbutrin both max dose) in addition to my other meds.

I am just really angry right now because they won't shut up. I have Klonopin but I try not to take it too often. Because I don't want to become dependant on it.

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The last time I took a klonopin was 12 days ago, I keep track

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