Roll Call 190

Yeah I always wonder if that’s why I have adhd since I never had it before…..

Paranoid, anxious, low mood.

How do I stop this.

The big trip has worn off since a year ago or so. But I had dissociation..

And with the dissociation, I feel that any positive symptoms that I have are reasonably valid - Like religious stuff or metaphysics.

If my mood, energy and focus is good, then that solves everything. Those 3 things are what I need.

Not sure my mood is low too….I keep feeling wounded rather than healthy and like I could do anything. It’s like life smacks you down and it’s hard to get back up.

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My mood was okay today until I took Klonopin at the full dose. I really should just taper off of it. I am setting the conscious intention of taking 1.375 mg of it tomorrow (which is a lower dose).

Also I am trying to boost my self confidence. I wrote a letter to myself basically summarizing all the stuff I've accomplished and that I'm doing awesome.

My self confidence is . I can think about how much I’ve accomplished despite the odds. Problem is I can’t tell most people what I’ve been through. Instead they see a masters after a PhD as backwards.

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Oh and I also found out about this supplement called L-Theanine that helps with my anxiety and is natural. And it actually helped me today, so I'm glad about that.

Ugh I accidentally knocked over my Scentsy wax warmer. It was a really nice one too. It was on so it had wax melting in it when it fell. And the melter fell and smashed on the floor and the wax spilled out and poured over my bed and on me. I'll have to buy another one. The good thing is it was french lavender scented so my whole bed smells like lavender now which is pretty relaxing. But I have to buy new pillows now lol. It's okay though I guess. I've needed new pillows for awhile now anyway.

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L-Theanine is also in green tea and matcha. It helps calm you down so that's why the caffeine in green tea and matcha usually doesn't make people as jittery/anxious as the caffeine in coffee because it has that in it too.

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Just got back from the store. Slipped and fell on the ice on my way there

Oh no…if you often walk in the ice try yak trax

Thanks I’ll look into that

We just ate out for the first time in a restaurant….we figure if we’re going mask free in a week we may as well.

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and as soon as I was considering that my cat came and laid on my lap. I’m trying to cheer myself up but it’s kind of hard.

I feel extremely overwhelmed

Edit: How to Deal with Constantly Feeling Overwhelmed

I think I perceive mental anxiety as something beneficial - Except physical anxiety or when I'm having depersonalization/derealization.

Hugs bluebird…I have been struggling because I haven’t been out doing fun stuff in a couple weeks…it magnifies everything and the lack of sun doesn’t help? Are you possibly experiencing any of the same? Maybe sit in the courtyard tomorrow. Maybe make plans with your friend?

Hugs desoxyn……

Thanks, you're right, yeah not having sun/vitamin D probably makes things worse too. I might sit outside later today for a bit

I'm thinking of getting back into drawing again

Yes.. positively, life has been good. I have learned many things.

It will get better.

I just hate how I was so isolated - Then when I move to a national park, everything changed. I have good memories....

Things shouldn't be so black and white.

Yesterday I Googled like 50 questions, found articles.. About self awareness and such. With high self-awareness, people don't usually use drugs - They question the reason as to why they take something. Many just do it without giving a second thought.

It's difficult. Idk what to do with things.. I regret not getting to this point sooner. I just can't be sober constantly or else the awareness would present too many things at once and I wouldn't be able to handle that - So I have to ease myself into it.

Anyways, I fnished 3 days of work! - Now I get a break. I took an extra 30mg Vyvanse yesterday and spent 2 hours in bed just thinking and thinking. I think too much. I don't do things as much as I think. I love to think... I like the puzzle of my mind.

I feel very agitated. I've also lost interest in most things I like (reading, gaming, shows/movies, spending time with people, exercising, etc) I just don't feel joy when I do them the past couple days which is really strange/unusual for me,and it's hard to get myself to shower lately.

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Hugs bluebird…..hugs.

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My mind has never felt this complex/complicated before.

My mom is burning out from work - It's unbelievable the complexity of what she is doing and what she is keeping track of. She says that talking to my dad on the phone made her feel anxious because he's so arrogant etc.

She's always so positive and expressive - and wonders why people always put her down. She can't handle it anymore.

I told my dad that he should be nice to her.. But he says that he only cares about me - And that we have a broken family. He thinks that she's not stressed - Or caused it to herself etc.

All I'm doing lately is investing in myself. I have a good life to do that. If the drama happens once more, I will leave.

I just can't deal with so much awareness and pain all at once - I need to drug myself. But I've been doing that since my ex step dad was around - Just this time, I'm more responsible.

My mom is getting older and won't be able to attract people with her looks, will want a face lift and such. I'm just saying these things as they are.. Some of her personality is based on her looks because she has trauma and feels worthless.

I don't know what to say to people that feel that way - I feel like that sometimes and I ask for help about it. My dad says that I'm smart and can figure things out - But bad luck can happen.

My sister left.. All my mom has left is me. It will get bad. The world is getting bad too. I'm not sure if my mind is getting better or deteriorating further.