Roll Call 195

Blue_Bird · Sep 12, 2022, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I found a site that is similar to what you're talking about (But for music) - You'd type in 3x different bands/artists and it would generate something similar to those. It was actually good (I lost it though).

I do have the same indecisiveness with books (Except I don't read books as much) - But as from what SP said, I'll keep trying. Today has been good cuz I'm just LOOKING, becoming interested again. Slow, steady process.

Sometimes I hear the train (Near me) through my window and I imagine that it's a plane flying into town.. I feel it, imagine.. "What if it really happens" - It's incredibly unlikely that if it does, it's so quick that within a blink, I'm in a new dimension/universe. And so.. Just becoming accustomed to the fear, it goes away.

Dissociative/panicky thoughts can be scary though.. I remember during complete full blown panic attacks (2018-2020), I'd listen to guided meditation.. and I just wouldn't calm down. An hour would go by, I'd take another lorazepam... It sucks bad. As long as you aren't tolerant to the benzo, it's okay. Good thing they exist.. really effective as chill pills

Yeah I rarely take my klonopin, so when I do end up having to take it it’s very effective because I have never built a tolerance or addiction to it. So I might use it once or twice a month if I need it but that’s usually at most. I know sometimes I may need it more often than that but I try to save it for very, very, severe times so I don’t build a tolerance

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Desoxyn · Sep 12, 2022, 07:03 PM

Existing feels horrifying RN

Blue_Bird · Sep 12, 2022, 07:04 PM

Organized every single pictures I have into labeled folders on my laptop, feels a lot more organized now

Desoxyn · Sep 12, 2022, 09:29 PM

Tears fall down my face from such pain. It happens.

Blue_Bird · Sep 13, 2022, 06:55 AM

Good morning, going grocery shopping in like 30 minutes. Woke up at 5:30am and decided to stay up. I haven't gone grocery shopping in way too long. My fridge has been practically empty the past week except for condiments and almond milk. So it will be good to get some food in here

Blue_Bird · Sep 13, 2022, 06:57 AM

My final appointment with my psychiatrist of 6 years is tomorrow, sad about that, will miss her. She has been the best psych I've ever had

Blue_Bird · Sep 13, 2022, 12:55 PM

I got 3 cans of pumpkin today while I was grocery shopping, so now I'm stocked up on pumpkin so I can make desserts out of it

Hope slumberkitty and WastingAsparagus are okay

Blue_Bird · Sep 13, 2022, 12:57 PM

I'm worried that my meds are poisoning me, I smell chemicals every now and then and sometimes also taste chemicals

Blue_Bird · Sep 13, 2022, 02:40 PM

I think I'm gonna make some chocolate chip pumpkin bread in a few weeks, or maybe closer to Halloween

Desoxyn · Sep 13, 2022, 02:46 PM

Beautiful day. We live another day.

I will go for a hike.

Desoxyn · Sep 14, 2022, 01:53 AM

My understanding of "life" is greatly enhanced, lately. Like it's supposed to be.

Blue_Bird · Sep 14, 2022, 11:11 AM

I feel like a failure. I can barely manage volunteering. I'm doing it but it's stressful. I'm going in tomorrow. I don't have a job yet. I have no job experience other than a week working at a temp job when I was 18 and I'm 28 now And I've screwed up college on multiple occasions. I want to change all this but I don't know how to handle stress well. It severely impacts my mental health on a massive scale. I just don't want to be a failure forever. Things were so different before I started having mental health issues at 12 years old. I was a different person before then.

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

Blue_Bird · Sep 14, 2022, 11:15 AM

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. She said she was proud of me for staying through that volunteer shift when I had the panic attack.

She also said she was proud of me because I took the Klonopin on Sunday when I was freaking out about the police coming after me (they weren't, it's just a belief I sometimes have and I start panicking and freaking out) because usually I let things go and build up until they become massive issues over time that I can't get out of.

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

Sometimes psychotic · Sep 14, 2022, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I feel like a failure. I can barely manage volunteering. I'm doing it but it's stressful. I'm going in tomorrow. I don't have a job yet. I have no job experience other than a week working at a temp job when I was 18 and I'm 28 now And I've screwed up college on multiple occasions. I want to change all this but I don't know how to handle stress well. It severely impacts my mental health on a massive scale. I just don't want to be a failure forever. Things were so different before I started having mental health issues at 12 years old. I was a different person before then.

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

How about something remote? If you like technical stuff it wouldn’t be too hard to get a remote job if you pick the right major?

SlumberKitty · Sep 14, 2022, 01:23 PM

Hi Friends, sorry I haven't been around. I find myself easily triggered (not by y'all) but by life lately so I've been a bit cautious where I go and hang out. My T thinks I am making some progress though. I thought I would pop in and say hi. I might have more to say in a bit. HUGS all, Kit

Desoxyn · Sep 14, 2022, 03:31 PM

The ups and downs are too much. But Idk why my mom cares. It's not like I can change this. It's my fault anyways. Just leave me alone. I'm not in psychosis and can function. I don't need to be happy all of the time.

Blue_Bird · Sep 14, 2022, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

How about something remote? If you like technical stuff it wouldn’t be too hard to get a remote job if you pick the right major?

Yeah I could see about that

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Blue_Bird · Sep 14, 2022, 06:20 PM

I feel

Possible trigger:

sui but cannot do it because I can’t leave my cats. I’ve just spent most of the evening crying because I feel like such a ****ing failure and hate myself so much

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Desoxyn · Sep 14, 2022, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

The ups and downs are too much. But Idk why my mom cares. It's not like I can change this. It's my fault anyways. Just leave me alone. I'm not in psychosis and can function. I don't need to be happy all of the time.

Ah was just morning brain fog. I went for another hike + phenibut. I see my psychiatrist Friday.

Desoxyn · Sep 14, 2022, 09:03 PM

I'm feeling the same way BB. I think I'll take a walk and listen to depressing AF songs. Idk what to do anymore. I don't want to ask for help. I feel brain damaged with all of these substances. It's been like this since forever - I'm surprised how well my cognition is considering. I want to feel the right things, appreciate... I have everything. I feel like a broken record as well.

Desoxyn · Sep 14, 2022, 09:17 PM

Wandering in the Darkness: Narrative and the Problem of Suffering - The Gifford Lectures

Desoxyn · Sep 15, 2022, 08:31 AM

Had dissociation last night from mushes. Disturbed, insane. I lied down and fell asleep, very intense dreams.

I woke up at 6am, and the rain drops started to hit the window - I felt okay. Still a bit dark, made a coffee, took stim. Might listen to a podcast.

Bad mental states happen... But it's ok. I just want to feel the right energies - Without atenolol or olanzepine.

Blue_Bird · Sep 15, 2022, 05:15 PM

Hey everyone, had a rough couple days but am feeling a little better today. I spent some time drawing.

I'm reading a book called Everything is ****ed : A book about hope by Mark Manson. He also wrote The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****, which I read as well awhile back

They're good books, they're not negative despite the titles may lead you to believe they are

Blue_Bird · Sep 15, 2022, 05:41 PM

Watching Thee Addams Family 2 (animated movie)

Blue_Bird · Sep 15, 2022, 06:48 PM

Ugh I'm having a panic attack again and worrying about that thing I was worried about on Sunday (police being after me for no reason) the sirens are driving me insane

I just want my damn anxiety and panic attacks to STOP.

Menu

Roll Call 195

My Support Forums