Roll Call 195

I hope you’re okay Desoxyn

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I'm just posting random nonsense on schizophrenia reddit cuz I'm so overwhelmed. I'm aware of my reactions to people.... It's just too much. I can't keep having the awareness of existing for billions of years, walking through shopping malls, being machines that need to be repaired or geometric shapes fitting together (Cuz that's all this is). Vibration, frequency, energy.

I'm taking the olanzepine again but I'm UTTERLY DEPENDENT. It has terrible terrible withdrawal. And they'll stop making it once society breaks down even more.

How can I even enjoy existing if I'm going to become everyone, experience everything that includes torture - That's why my mind is torturing itself. Because I'm unhappy - But after this, when a few hours pass maybe.. I'll forget about it and get these feelings out of my system. I feel like I'm not good enough, I did this to myself. Why do people care about abortion if the baby will just get transported (Or already is in another reality before the egg and sperm meet - Or the heart beats, etc..) to another universe where it will become the baby - YES POSSIBLY a cricket having a human baby.... something stupid like that.. Everything you can imagine is possible.

And the psychedelics becoming legal in Canada - It's okay for citizens because it's too late to have a 3rd eye and realize that everyones getting screwed over with the virus, destroying the economy.. controlling everyone. That's why weed is legal too already. It's too late.

I need people to understand - Or a shaman.

And I was triggered by the school talk - Cuz I feel like I'm too cognitively impaired from antipsychotics + I wasn't fine in the first place. No one talked to me much in my life. I've been so isolated. I don't paint, draw or enjoy myself.. I just think, like becoming buddha on my own while reading about buddhism for 15 minutes a week and another 100x 15 minutes on something else, this that.

And people enjoy the american empire, learn arabic and travel to places, experience so many things but I don't just look at the big picture and torture in the world - I see movies, are drugs and brainwash. Nothing is as what it really seems. And that sociopath schiz, all the ones that smoke DMT etc, enlightenments evil twin, pure infinite nihilism.. And before for me, it was just finite.. all would end and I was being abused so why try. I held on for life.

I talk to people with autism and they are okay. Maybe if I wasn't so alone and left to my own devices about not wanting to join in on society, other kids playing game when I was a kid - And not talking about existence. No one bothers to reflect on meaning, look at the stars.. who cares about space, and playing game, i cant do anymore cuz its distracting - Oh yeah.. Different realities... Escaping. I'm the only sane person back then.

I took a little more phenibut. Wait ~2 hours and I'll be fine.

I wanted to taper off before I go on vacation to Mexico in 2 months. I can bring gabapentin and pregabalin on the plane though.

And I'm not getting heart palpitations anymore. I haven't had them in months.

It made me fall asleep

It's all too much. Even this day. I need mercy. Something bad is happening to me.

I think I've killed Roll Call.

I'm here, I just slept most of the day and am eating now

We went out to the park and had a fantastic Thai lunch today.

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I feel so agitated

I feel like punching a hole in the wall or punching myself

I'm not even sure why, I'm just agitated

I have some permanent derealization

I'm depressed AF. The stress is too much. I give up. I want to die.

Desoxyn, have you told your doctor about these feelings? They might be able to make a med adjustment to help you

I'm sorry you're struggling desoxyn, I don't think people want you to hurt yourself , could the hospital help? They might be able to change your meds if your doctor isn't helping

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I've felt so uncomfortable all day. I've been nauseous, too hot, too cold, can't get comfortable

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I'm also really tired but I don't want to sleep, I've been having nightmares the past couple days and I don't feel like having them they're realistic one woke me up the other day I dreamed someone was trying to kill me and I woke myself up kicking and punching at nothing

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I never knew if that was normal or not? Or whether it was relevant to bring up to therapists etc so I've never brought it up. And it always felt too uncomfortable and embarassing to bring up

I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s definitely not normal and it’s also not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She was solely responsible as she was the adult.

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She was not an adult, she was as the same age as me 7 or 8 at the time

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Which is why I never knew if it was normal or not, I knew it was something I didn't like and caused a lot of self hatred. It wasn't really her fault because she was a kid too, I'm guessing some adult in her life did something to her and that's why she acted the way she did, I'm just guessing most 7 or 8 years old don't know explicit sexual stuff and try to do that to their friends and intimidate them by saying they'll get you in trouble if you try to leave. I was easily intimidated when I was a kid even by other kids my own age.

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Oh I’m sorry I didn’t have my glasses on and read that wrong. I read it that she was 20. Sorry.

But either way you’re not responsible. You didn’t do anything wrong you were a kid.

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My suggestion would be to talk to your therapist about this. As you said it caused a lot of self hatred. Anything that causes such strong emotion should be discussed to help you move past it and deal properly.

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Thank you I will do that, I’m glad I’m finally saying something about it after so long. I just remember feeling really guilty and self hatred for years as a little kid when I was 8, 9, 10, 11, and a lot of confusion about it. I remember it keeping me up sometimes crying. I feel like if I told someone about it as a kid it would have helped to talk through it but I was too embarrassed to ever say anything.

As an adult now it doesn’t really cause me issues now but I think it could have played a small part in some of my depressive episodes when I was 11-14 and when I tried to when I was 14. I think keeping it a secret caused me a lot of internal grief

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Anyone else hate the idea of cleaning, etc but when you’re doing it you actually really enjoy it. Like I hate the idea of doing the dishes, vacuuming, doing laundry, etc. until I actually am doing it. Once I start I really get on a roll, something about it is so mindful, organizing and cleaning feels very calming and I actually enjoy it.

Same with showering, brushing my teeth, etc. I hate the idea of doing it but once I get started I really like it

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I've never minded doing laundry. But I feel the same way as you about dishes, showering, and brushing my teeth. I have a really hard time getting into the shower, but once I'm in I do enjoy it.

I keep getting all these random phone calls from unknown numbers everyday throughout the day all day. And 99% of the time there’s never a voicemail, and occasionally there is but it’s usually just silence or some random machine noise. I think someone got my number when my Facebook was hacked and gave it to a bunch of scam bots or something.

I put my phone on do not disturb mode and have left it on that for several weeks because I got tired of my phone constantly going off

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