Roll Call 195

I had a good day. I feel like it was productive. Excited to go to sleep tonight though. Really tired. I remember when I was going to college full time I would always go to one of the study cubicles in the library and study and would always end up laying my head down at some point for awhile due to being exhausted from my meds. That’s how I feel right now. Speaking of college, I start in January. So in about 3 months from now I’ll be back to taking classes. Going part-time. So I’ll be taking two classes. Going to take the online classes since I don’t want to have to go all the way to the college and back a lot. Especially since it will be winter and there’ll be lots of snow and ice out.

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I’m honestly so excited to start college again. I love it. Studying, learning, etc

I’m gonna be a college student again!!

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Yay! So happy for you, Blue_Bird!

I was feeling bad and wondering why because I did eat breakfast and lunch and a snack or two today so I didn't see why because I know I ate enough, but then I realized even though I ate the last time I had any actual protein was 8am, and it''s almost 6pm now. So I had something that has protein in it and am feeling better, it made a big difference. I'm trying to do this intuitive eating thing and work on getting over my eating disorder.

I have anxiety about meds. Last night I never got them. And I've been feeling really crappy all day.

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This is what happens after a pandemic - Rules go out the window (Especially in already ******/abusive place). Yes.. Not giving meds is abuse/neglect.

I hope you feel better soon, possibly be given a good anxiolytic

I sat by the fire and had a BBQ with people. I felt anxious at first, but then started talking normally - In the end it was nice.

I might sit by the fire and listen to a podcast like I used to do.

I keep getting the feeling when I am underneath lights, not like long fluorescent bulbs that are shaped like a tube but more the spotlight kind that they are taking my thoughts from me. I know I am having a bit of psychosis, according to my T, and I asked a close friend if she thought that was real and she said no. But it feels so real!

I hope you feel better Angeliqe and SlumberKitty

Desoxyn, sitting by the fire and listening to a podcast sounds amazing, I hope you had a good time

I signed up for 3 more volunteer shifts throughout the month of October

This happened to me with "yellow" lights. I couldn't stand the lightbulb, stealing my thoughts. I thought it'd be better as a "white" light. I told my mom, pointing at the lightbulb, agitated "Why?" - She said "What are you talking about???"

I thought it was an OCD/autism thing. But now I love white lights, but the yellow doesn't bother me anymore.

Sorry you went through this too. I tried looking it up online. I just scared myself more. Apparently, there are "smart" lightbulbs that can apparently be hacked and can steal your data from other devices. If they can do that, certainly they can steal my thoughts!

It was beautiful.. Just listening to deep Buddhist ideas, people walking by.. Looking up at the stars (I think Jupiter is supposed to be close?, That's what that massive "star" was? - I'll have to look again tonight)..

But it got a bit chilly so I went inside. I feel.. in an element during moments like that..

I haven't told my parents about the light thing. Don't want to freak them out. So I try to ignore it.

SK!! <3 Don't worry.. You just have to be in the right state of mind, somehow poke a hole in your frontal lobe, let the excess dopamine (In the wrong areas) escape..

Technology is advancing too fast for me to keep track of it... The state of mind would be calm/clear minded, relaxed..

You can build tolerance to paranoia/delusions... It takes a while, but just have to keep taking the right meds and update self about possibilities, not be too scared - but instil a little curiosity, interest... (If you can't beat it, join it).

Anxiety doesn't help with paranoia.. I used to tape up my camera (Even on my phone), but the Invega seems to balance me well..

I remember that philosopher (Job) saying "The future is going to suck for people with schiz.. All of those paranoid technological innovations will be real) but just don't be too hard on your mind..

The other side is a great, peaceful place - And you will get there soon..

Nothing can steal your thoughts btw (As far as I'm aware).

I'm glad my office at work has the tube kind of lights. And apparently the classroom at Church that I go to on Wednesday nights has the long kind. I asked the teacher who asked her husband who has done a lot of work at the Church and he said the tube kind.

Yeah Desoxyn I've thought about how it would be easier if I had been born at a time without all this technology but then it would be my luck it would have been a time where they locked up people like me in psych wards for the rest of their lives and gave them shock treatment! Eeek! My Dad's grandpa lived over 50 years in a psych ward. He died in 1981 in a psych ward. He probably had schizophrenia but my Dad's dad (my grandpa) said it was shell shock, so I guess PTSD? But I think he probably had schizophrenia from what I have been told about him (not much). Then my Dad's grandma was in a psych hospital for a while too when my grandpa was young. So he was stuck in an orphanage and it affected him for life. I guess my family is just full of off beat individuals. My Mom's side had a bunch of circus performers back in the 20's, 30's, 40's.

If I wasn't paranoid, I would do one of those at home DNA kits. But I am too paranoid to give people my DNA. I have heard that my family on my Mom's side were travelers but IDK. I think that would be pretty cool.

Newtus gave me the idea to test my DNA. Now I regret it lol.. I trusted her to be paranoid enough that it'd be okay o.-

(Not that there's anything wrong.. But what I don't know is the problem IMO)

Testing your DNA is probably okay but I am just paranoid that someone could replicate it and then implicate me at a crime scene or something. But they would have to have skillz.

I'm probably just paranoid.

I'm going to get new jeans, a new pair of shoes, and a haircut plus eyebrow waxing. My current shoes are very old and worn out, my current jeans barely fit/are uncomfortable to wear because I've gained weight, and I haven't had my hair cut or eyebrows done in over 2 1/2 years. I just want to feel a little better about myself

I used to think things like that too, especially after I had my DNA tested

Especially tired today. prolly because I took some anxiety medication this morning when I was facing a lot of tasks at work. I was able to plough through those. But now I feel like liquid and I could slide right out of my chair on to the floor and take a nap.

I called my Mom on my lunch break and I was telling her how I was tired. She was like, don't leave work early because you don't want to give them the impression that you are not committed to your job.

I was annoyed by that. I've been at this job for six years and haven't got fired yet. Knock on wood. I haven't been fired from my other two jobs either. I have a meeting today anyway this afternoon so there is no option to go home early.

Fell asleep on stim. For 12 hours - Deep, vivid dreams.

Down to 600mg of phenibut. In ~2 weeks, I'll be off of it - And so.. I then don't have to bring a big tub of white powder on the plane, setting off alarms - "What's this? We have to reagent test it", ends up turning BLUE, or w/e tf + I miss my flight.

I feel weird about the news/social media drama that just keeps escalating. I'm grateful for my life but holy F.. It's too much.

I need to make realistic goals... I have around 20.. I want to learn Spanish a bit - But I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling anything. I just need a break lol..

No mental symptoms though.