Roll Call 195

High blood pressure. Took a .25 clonazepam.

No good. I won't be doing that again.

Yeah I was gonna say... Modafinil can cause high blood pressure... I guess it depends on the dose... For me, at least, it does.

Anyway, this morning (if you can call it morning), I am awake, of course, lucid.

I ran a half-marathon yesterday. Super, ridiculously sore from it but I'm proud of myself for finishing it.

I have just been working on feeling better about my life. It's really hard certain days. Even yesterday I was writing about how depressed I felt despite my accomplishments and stuff. But that's fine. Not everyone feels great every day. I also have trouble socializing sometimes. But I have to remember not everyone is amazing at socializing either.

Just published a blog under a pseudonym. Ha. Not going to share.

I’ve been thinking so much about my weight and food and it’s going in circles in my head I feel myself falling into bad habits.

At least I’m not drinking alcohol and consuming all those extra calories is one thought I’m having.

I won’t say anymore because I don’t want to trigger anyone else.

My brain is a mess.

Everyone tells me I need to lose weight for my health. I know I have to but it just brings up so much bad thinking.

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Sorry you're struggling cogladaid, it's hard to manage losing weight when you have an eating disorder history. I'm trying to do the same thing right now. Hard to balance healthy eating without taking things too far and getting obsessed. I also need to lose some weight, I've steadily gained over the past year or so. I eat because it makes me happy too, helps temporarily relieve anxiety, and the antipsychotics etc make it worse due to increasing your appetite

It's good you cut out alcohol though, I used to drink soda, and quite a bit of it(I know it's different, but still a lot of calories too) and when I cut that out many years ago, over time I lost a lot of weight in a healthy way. It takes some time to see progress though physically. Cutting out liquid calories can really make a big difference

I had a good day yesterday, spent a few hours at my friend's house. We played a few rounds of the digimon trading card game, watched some of the digimon anime, and played some of the new videogame Digimon Survive. I had a lot of fun. He got me a digimon playmat which was very nice of him, I'll post a picture in a minute, it's really pretty, it kind of like a giant mousepad material, has pictures of a bunch of the Digimon characters and has the outlines for where you set up the card game.

Here it is

Do not be scared, anxious friends. Or terrified, schiz friends.

Face the fear, and find peace.

I feel ridiculously tired today. Not sure why. I just feel out of it. And it seems like depression to me. But I soldier on.

I just wanna go home and not have social engagements for like 9 years.

I’m a beautifully chaotic person. I find solitude in my hectic life.

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I'm thinking of getting rid of my facebook, I don't really have many friends I feel connected with, most people are from high school and I don't even talk to them, and I feel like the negative effects of social media are starting to outweigh the positive aspects of it for me

I didn't deactivate my account, but I unfriended a lot of people (including relatives). That helped.

Thanks that's what I just did, I went from having 117 people on my friend's list and cut it down to 56, I got rid of most of the people from my high school

I'm so sorry BB. It does suck. I spent an hour and wrote like an essay reply as someone that can relate to you but I just traumatized myself. It's 2am and I have to wake up soon. Hugs though....

I deactivated my FB mainly cuz of what happened in high school.

I’m gonna try and have a restful day today. Hopefully I won’t pace around the house too much and I can relax a little.

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Ugh I find myself looking at Tumblr again at people who are struggling. It’s frustrating and sad to see people posting about their eating disorders. They’re so messed up. So many people glorifying it. I’m not encouraging anyone or anything. I wish all people would get help. I’m not even posting anything. I don’t want to contribute to that toxic.

But I can’t stop looking.

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Thanks Desoxyn I appreciate it

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Have a dentist appointment today at 3:30pm. Getting the root canal finished. Then I have another one on Tuesday to get a filling. Doing my best to avoid sugary foods from now on so I can keep my teeth in better shape. It's hard , maybe someday it'll get easier but right now it really sucks.

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One good thing is I got rid of all the coffee in my house including decaf. So for one that will help my anxiety since I'm not drinking the caffeine anymore and secondly it will help my teeth because even though I don't drink sugar in my coffee, I drink it black, coffee of any kind is still very acidic, even the decaf which is bad for tooth enamel. So I got rid of it all and am only letting myself have coffee at the coffee social events in my building that are like twice a month and occasionally if I ever go to a cafe or something (I rarely ever go out to eat or to cafes so that won't become a problem )

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Hi friends

So tired today--so I am drinking Iced Coffee! Yum.

I don't want to be at work today but I missed all those days when I was in the psych hospital so I forced myself to come to work! On Friday I was not getting along with one of my coworkers and it looks like I will have to interact with her again today. Bleh. Hopefully she is in a better mood. I am trying to help myself be in a better mood too.

HUGS all, Kit

One more hour till I head out to my dentist appointment. Takes about 20 minutes to walk there. I don't like being out in the late afternoon because it's really bright and there's a lot of cars and people, all of it is overwhelming. I can't wait till it's over with and I'm home.

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Good luck, Blue_Bird.

Wow Des, the moon looks HUGE in those photos, lol.

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I tried to start taking the olanzepine before bed (Midnight) instead of at 5pm every evening (Most times).

I thought that I took the 10mg of olanzepine yesterday evening but it was still in the pill box. No wonder I had so much energy this morning (Even after only 5 hours of sleep). I will be aware of this situation... very nice. My cognitive ability hasn't been better in a long time either.

I just have to be aware of depersonalization/derealization - But it seems good for now.

"In our study, acute or abrupt onset of manic episode after olanzapine discontinuation was noted in 85% patients. Sleep disturbance was the most common prodromal sign of relapse after discontinuation of olanzapine; other signs were irritability, absence of insight for behavior change, changes ..."

Very interesting.