Roll Call 195

SK, an emergency is an emergency, that's what pdocs are for, especially for people with psychosis. ((hugs)) You're not a burden, you're special because you care so much.

Cog, I've given up on my weight, I'm on two meds that make it impossible, it's either my sanity (with high blood pressure) or a healthy weight with no sleep. It sucks so much. ((hugs))

Talked to my T today, everything is so so, my pdoc tried to get me off my benzo willy-nilly to 2 times a week, but haha yeah, withdrawal is a son of a B, so looks like im staying on it until October when I get to speak to her again! haha

My story is coming along, 141 pages, I'm drawing on new emotions as I reintroduce myself to the story over and over again. I'm trying to be conscientious as I write this, but I wish I had a couple weeks with it to really sit down and give it my all. I'l take a week off in September and do this. God, I haven't had a vacation in 12 months now, "Welcome to America."

SP, you amaze me how you land keep landing on your feet, you know how to plan your big moves, I was I was capable at doing this.

Did 30 minutes on the treadmill, plus weights, and resistance bands. Also cleaned

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Good morning, friends

I hope everyone is doing good today. I have a short day. I'm only working about 7 hours today so that's good. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I feel better just knowing that my pdoc said I could go back on the Cymbalta. I am sure I have a bit of placebo effect going on, but I don't care, as long as I feel better. I will talk to my therapist on Sunday. She's been checking in on me with texts, which is a little weird but okay. Hopefully today will go by fast until I get home. I have a meeting (virtually) with two of my bosses. I'm a little worried about it but hopefully it will be okay. I don't think I am in trouble. I think they want to implement some new policies around time-card keeping. We'll see. Psychosis is a bit better today, though it is early.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
HUGS Kit

Oh, thank you, Job. You are such a kind friend.

Saw the gastro doc today. He’s giving me a medication to help with the nausea I’m still having but doesn’t see that my problems are gastro related. So he’s making sure im referred to a liver doctor and I’ll have a follow up in a few months with this doctor see how im doing. Everything is really riding on the CT scan I have at the end of the month.

I need to lose weight badly. But I need to do it without going off the deep end. It’s hard.

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I'm ****ed

What's wrong?

I can't even explain sorry. I have no idea what I'm even doing. But thanks for caring.

Edit: I'm completely out of control

It's okay. No need to apologize. HUGS Kit

I need to just.. smoke weed and search conspiracies. It's a good distraction.

I'll be okay. I just need to decide to live.

I just feel horribly alone and isolated. I can't take it anymore. I've been in this hell for too long.

I agree that I have mild autism.

Improvement of mood...

Drew this today

Now it’s time for French fries and re-watching the hobbit

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So tomorrow I’m going to my friends house to hang out. Sunday I’m going to church for the first time in 3 years. Next week I have 2 dentist appointments, and a coffee social event thing my apartment is doing, plus some grocery shopping to do. After that the week of the 22nd I have three 2 hour volunteer lunch shifts and more the following week. So it’s gonna be busy, plus have to include time to exercise, clean, etc.

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This sounds excellent

My time management is terrible

But better than before (I do 10x more in one day that I did in one month, years ago).

I just have to be patient, humble. I should meditate... I do a lot of open-awareness meditation... I just wish that, if I want to DO something, that I actually DO IT.

And a sense of unhappiness comes.. I'm grateful for all I have - I'm just too aware of the wider scope of things. And I hate being this way. I'm still young (+ a large time gap of sleeping, dealing with mental health and hedonia).

But I will try... And even for everyone, nothing is going to last.. NOTHING. We all die.. So the moment has to be enjoyed, to be mindful of. I still just can't wrap my head around it.

Everything will be taken away, ripped away, and sucked into a black hole. With acceptance, we find peace .. And all of the stuff I read about psychology/life, people make blogs and such - It's just a lot to make sense of. A lot, to organize in my mind.

Music sounds good, so I listen to that.. I search up about "Music appreciation" - Because I remember with my dad, listening to the radio (Some of my best times past few years - We like spending time together, even though it's rare), the broadcaster said "Music sounds maybe.. 2-2.5 better today".. My dad was like "What must he be on?!".

But yeah.. I realize how much stuff I don't know.. and I just want to be interested in things, in a reality that I can get lost in. Cuz I have infinity to go (As far as I know).

But I have to do it in my own way.. A sort of secret would be, just doing what is natural/myself.. I never considered myself as a "psychonaut", but reading the wiki - all of the effects... Hallucinations, altered states, lucid dreams. Schiz, yeah... I always was curious though. I'm not AFRAID. I'm not afraid.

PsychonautWiki

And I told job that I'm interested in philosophy... There's just so much to learn - I feel like I have time for nothing - Videos ready to play (Alex Jones for one.. People judge me, but I gotta find out things for myself), investigating all things, putting it together.. @WA... So just reading this;

Philosophy - Wikipedia - I started by watching a crash course but I can sit through videos and take notes (Concentration issues - Which I plan to do meditation for.. One day at a time) but just lists of things.. anything.. , I can go deeper into with what I find interesting..

If things are new, that's good.. I get to enjoy myself - Some things = Refreshing my memory (Cuz I SCAN everything.. I rarely search deep into things... But I made a section in my notes about "1 hour research notes" - Which happens rarely). I have to be positive and not let people get me down for avoiding learning in the beginning, being crushed by the weight of life/catholic school/abusive ex step dad/isolation, etc... and... Not get judged by people that don't understand.

I told my mom that I read that book about drug decriminalization (Cuz starting Jan 2023, everything near here is decriminalized - Like Portugal..), showed her a video of the streets - She said during 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, they had to drive the PM around the tents and such).. People have have empathy for = Addicts, homeless, mentally ill, etc.. I told her about the legalization book too (By a neuropsychpharmacologist - He's now a member of MAPS - The organization that funds research for psychedelics in treating mental illness)...

So things come can come together if I try (In the right conditions)... "RAW Spirituality" is one YT channel I found that really helps with my situation..

RAW Spirituality - YouTube

Spiritual.. But honesty about it too.. I know my mom would have felt much better if I was diagnosed with autism (Easily could have happened) but with schiz, at least it can be treated... I think I'm okay - A little paranoia is good for anyone (A few % or so).. I'll lower the Invega Trinza again when I see my psychiatrist in a few weeks. Just got to keep trying (This will be the 3rd time).

I felt really aggressive and out of control today but extra phenibut calmed me down a little - I was also bored at work and had no mental energy, having suicidal thoughts.. But I'll try to put more effort tomorrow. I've had heart OCD two nights in a row/palpitations (From Berberine? I should just ask my psychiatrist for metformin and see if I don't get that side effect + It's more effective) - I DO have time for learning about fasting.. But whatever give me MORE time, to boost quality of life..

I was gonna hike with my mom last night (During the full moon) but she was too tired (I wish she didn't have to work so much.. It's saddening.. I want to be able to make enough money to retire my parents.. But they're gonna die in ~5-10 years... I have a friend that says if he worried, it would drive him "insane" - But I DO think about these things.. Constant healthy anxiety, to protect me .. because it's not irrational.. It's normal) - But we took some pictures of the moon.. I said to my mom "I want to feel the magic of life" (Cuz I think antipsychotics can take that away).. If anyone has any insight about that, let me know...

Reality is absurd too though

More lately I stop and feel sorry for myself.

I have questionable mental health. I struggle. I can’t have gluten. I can’t have alcohol. I can’t have weed. I can’t have a lot of fatty foods lately. I had that lymphoma scare this year. My thyroid hates me. My liver hates me. I keep hurting my ankle so my ankle hates me. I need really to lose weight.There’s a pandemic still. I have no motivation to do things I once loved.

I know some people have it worse. But this isn’t the miserable Olympics who has it worst. I just feel bad about myself and need to vent.

I wish I could just have a nice cocktail and fries right now and relax but I can’t even do that.

I also feel like falling into my eating disorder again.

I hate it.

I’m trying to think positive. I’m having good stuff tomorrow. It’ll be good. I’ll make good. Do good. Hopefully I can start my day out bright. Maybe exercise.

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You have the right mindset - I am to be positive too..

It's like being an athlete and then discovering you have a heart condition. Like.. I've heard of someone wanting to do cocaine again after installing a pacemaker..

Self control, self love/compassion - You've been struggling a lot and I hope it gets better.

Hypomania.. It's fun - But suffering, maintaining a good recovery/down time is difficult - But very worth it.

You have a good focus/autism/math-science mind and treading through the boring stuff is hard when there's no fun time.. But it'll get better - Eventually, you can do all of the good dopamine things, wait a bit.. And we'll all be very be happy when that time arrives for you..

I'm having depressive reality dysmorphia. And dysphoria.

I just try to have 2-3 days in a row where I can feel pretty good (To recover from bad suicidal thoughts), but it's just hit after hit of let down. Again and again.

I'm about to throw in the towel lol

The worst part is I know I'd be then, realistic.

Do you have therapy cog….it might help because you’re sounding possibly depressed.

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You do sound depressed, but it's ok to vent. I would be very upset if I couldn't have gluten. It seems to be in most foods unless you do all your own cooking (and I don't).

I’m feeling better today. My mom and I are spending the day cooking making Korean food. Went to one Korean market yesterday and one today. My mom made some Korean potato side dishes to go with the side dishes we bought. I made spicy rice cakes for lunch. And then for dinner we’re making gluten free steamed pork dumplings. Going to eat them with rice and all our Korean side dishes (squid, seaweed salad, the potatoes we made, kimchi, and spicy radish).

Keeps my mind off things. Eating good food makes me feel good. Not everything is about what I can’t eat or drink.

Like being gluten free can be hard especially if you don’t cook. I’m pretty lazy and don’t cook much but my mom is a great cook. We’ve learned over the last five years recipes and what’s gluten free and what’s not. Like a lot of Asian food can easily be made gluten free by finding sauces that don’t have gluten. Luckily the stores we shop at have a lot of gluten free sauces.

I’m not going to think about things I can’t have like grapefruit (damn Latuda) or udon noodles. Think of the good.

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I took a Mexican modafinil. I'll see what it does (I don't recommend).

I tried stopping the olanzepine last night - But woke up in the middle of the night, feeling super spacey, so I had to take it. Maybe it really does increase dopamine in the frontal lobe.. Had a bit of depersonalization before falling asleep too. It sucks.