Roll Call 197

I video chatted with my friend about photography today. She was super helpful and it was great to have someone to talk to about it face to face and she showed me a lot about how my camera works and gave some good tips

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Just wanted to share my psych check up test that this site provides, I took this same test on here 10 years ago in 2013 and my score was 155 , 10 years later with good treatment my score is down to 95. I didn't realize just how much I improved until I looked at my past score on here.

This is todays score
Results after several years of consistent treatment

Trying to figure out where I can work part time. My housing support specialist will be back in the office downstairs on Tuesday so I think I’m gonna ask her if she can help me find some place low stress so I can put in an application and hopefully get something

I feel like I need to be working at least part time to begin getting adjusted to it. I haven’t worked since 2013 when I did a temp job in a warehouse. Which was honestly a ****ing nightmare. On your feet for 12 hour shifts scanning items the entire time and repackaging stuff that had broken plastic wrap. The only time you could sit was when you had a single break, a lunch break.

But I feel like I can do something that’s not as crazy and stressful as that, something to just begin the process

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I just need to face my anxiety, step out of my comfort zone and do something.

so I'm gonna apply to Marshall's as a part-time retail associate, my sister is gonna help me write a resume and submit the application next time she comes. It's also on the bus line so I can ride there and back


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I need 10 mg olanzapine at least.

I was so anxious earlier.

Holy! 200 pages

You have a good brain power - It seems to be wasted (Unfortunately) on extreme anxieties. If you can get that under control (In the future, don't rush), things would be a lot better =]

Don't worry BB.. Things will get better. I listened to a podcast about focus.. and it takes time to get into focusing (Constantly, for max 90 minutes - 2 hours), and then it takes time to get out of focus.. - Just like the ocean waves, the sleep cycles, night and day, the weather etc..

So for me, I always want things done now!, but I know that I can't just fix my life in one day... An important thing that my dad told me is "You don't have to solve/think about everything in one day - Just sleep, tomorrow is a new day".

I made lasagna today. My mom talked me through it but I made it.



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This happened to me when I first started drinking.. My mom told the liquor store to stop serving me even..

After the intense 3 year long substance binge, I survived - And then couldn't drink for 5 whole years (I was incapable of getting drunk because I would feel "full" after 2-3 drinks. I drank 5-6 at one time, and I felt like I was under water, and I passed out).

I became extremely sensitive to everything (Not just including a substance or med), and eventually, things levelled out.. I feel the dopamine from one drink.. And it's basically enough.. I chill out on a small buzz.

I think it could be because of the bad trip/psych OD, and then taking olanzepine.. I even feel dopamine from food (When I never used to).

Spirituality helps @fellow math/left brain.

Ok..

So idk what is exactly happening. There's too many thoughts, mental states, information etc. I'm trying to organize my life..

I had "heart spasms" before falling asleep.. So I quit the ADHD med this morning. I then read this article and realized that they are "hypnic jerks";

My Heart Jumps When Falling Asleep - What Does This Mean

It says that "caffeine" and "nicotine" can wake up the mind, and cause this to happen.. As well as "exercise soon before sleep" (Which I've known - But couldn't explain to anyone cuz they didn't understand, so I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me).

I wasn't very tired after not taking the Vyvanse.. I was less confident.. more anxious.. slow.. When I took it - After it kicked in, I could deal with what I expect my mind to be like (Cuz I could focus again).

I decided to quit the nicotine - But the withdrawal made my cognition worse.. So I'll do that another time. I quit caffeine for now.

I have to make plans though.. This morning, I expected myself to just stay in bed for a few weeks-months.. That's one of the reasons why I was so depressed (Cuz I knew that this would have to possibly happen)..

I'll figure everything out.. Any criticisms are welcome.

Thanks Desoxyn
Thankfully my anxiety has gotten a lot better this month, I have been socializing a lot. Also I video chatted with my friend today, I’m always nervous about video chatting with people for the first time (it’s a friend who posted here a long time ago, we’ve been friends on Facebook for a long time, this was the first time we’ve chatted over video) anyway I was nervous at first because I always feel awkward talking to people over video or in person but I pushed myself to just do it and I’m glad I did.

My anxiety is weird. The social anxiety is always present. I’ve been doing better with that. Pushing myself to talk to people in my building and go to social events.

But then there’s random phases of fear I go through. Like the fear of choking on my meds or food. The fear of dying while I sleep. They seem to come/develop out of seemingly nowhere then just stick with me permanently.

I read 72 pages today. So I think lately my focus has improved. At least the past several days. I also spent 30 minutes reviewing photography stuff and learning about it with my online photography course after I spoke with my friend.

I’m starting the process of pushing myself to do more things. Like one issue I have is I tend to go to the same stores/restaurants etc over and over. I never go anywhere new because I’m afraid of unfamiliar surroundings. Literally if there’s a store or cafe or something across the street from a store I frequent I won’t go in the other one because I’m afraid of going somewhere new so I tend to get stuck in my weird patterns.

Hopefully something comes of this job application. Even if it ends up being a disaster at least I can say I’m trying and try again

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The lasagna looks so amazing Cogladaid! Great job

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I'm starting to accept this illusion, and that.. this particular world is evil.

I'll just pretend I'm on a voyage, flying across space - To destination unknown. I have to figure out more about how consciousness/self works..

As I know nothing..

But a wise Indian guru told me something yesterday... One sec I'll find it;

"You overthink. Life is pretty simple. Some people suck. Most people are good. Just try to enjoy the good. Care about the bad and do what you can. But to stress about everything is not good for the mind. If I worried constantly about war around the world and disease and starvation I would crack. I care but have to separate myself from it otherwise I'd go insane. More than usual. Life doesn't have this big crazy conspiracy attached to it. It just is."

That’s really good advice

that’s kind of what I feel. I just try to focus on the present moment do what I can, I used to obsess over the virus/pandemics, nuclear war, etc to the point I was having dreams every night about it and any time (in my actual life) a plane flew over head) I can hear them loudly when they do because I live on the third floor)I would instantly panic and think we were under attack or something.

I had to stop because it was making me sick with anxiety to the point I was paranoid and felt like throwing up from stress and thinking there’s no point to keep on living anymore if we’re all just gonna die probably soon anyway either from some disease or war.

I had to train my brain to not think about it obsessively and focus on my present moment and control what I actually have control over

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Nvm just gonna get a PRN for 5 mg olanzapine.

Jk I want to be at 15 mg olanzapine and no other antipsychotics.

I'm stuck because the 15 mg olanzapine helps my mental health symptoms the most but it causes the worst side effects.

I hate making treatment decisions!!!!

But actually, I'm just going to see this as a challenge I must overcome.

Sorry for spamming the thread but I think I also just need coffee at night. It helps me resolve problems more easily.

Serotonin: “The Confidence Molecule”

^ That makes a lot of sense. When I was on 4x 20mg Prozacs, I was so incredibly confident.. that I neglected every responsibility AND the high dose Abilify? - That made me super impulsive etc (As I've mentioned many times).

I don't have as much confidence, but I worked on self-improvement a lot.. At this point (Like yesterday especially), feeling like everything is going against me, my happiness won't last.

I said to myself, "Even if I feel better, I still want to go back on Prozac - Even if it makes me feel numb". I need a break. It would be like a vacation, to block out the world and focus more on reinforcing a sense of purpose, meaning, and accomplishment, etc (Without being so down on myself, severe anxiety about the world.. etc...). I get paranoid of coworkers - It's way too much. It shouldn't be like that. And working on myself in a more numb state, I can step out of my comfort zone more, and then won't need the Prozac anymore.

Idk. It could work. I'm so disorganized @WA - Like I don't know what to do with meds (Which are a good 20% of my time, and it should be like 1%). I wish I saw my psychiatrist more often. I want to book an appointment with my regular doctor - He'll tell me to exercise and won't believe how sui I've been (Not that exercise doesn't help.. I plan to do that, but also eating healthy/fasting + A million other things).

I want to sort through everything....

Yeah olanzapine helps me 20-fold with organization. It's like a different world when I'm on that stuff at a reasonable dose. I am asking my pdoc for it today because without it I will be totally hosed.

I'm really fatigued and tired today. I was like this a lot last week and over the weekend. Saturday I did okay. I wanted to sleep in but I woke up at 5:30 AM. I cleaned my room and went to lunch with my parents and two aunts and two uncles. Watched a lot of football. Yesterday I was so tired. Didn't make Church. Stayed home and watched football. I don't know why I am so tired/fatigued. Oh well. Eventually it will get better.

Got out of bed at 1pm. I really didn't want to, being exhausted as hell. Vyvanse will kick in, then I'll do the things, that I don't want to do. Live the life that I don't want to live. Lol..

Sorry to hear you are exhausted too Desoxyn! hug

So like… I have this group of friends. Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned here before. There were four of them. We know each other from work and were seemingly good friends. A few months ago they ghosted me and had a group conversation behind my back. Because I was ‘too negative’. One left the group, two apologized, and one just started talking to me again without apologizing. I told them flat out if they have a problem with me they can leave.

Anyway, I stopped really trusting them too much but kept talking to them. Things have been fine but I’ve noticed they don’t really respond to what I say (even though I haven’t been negative at all).

I was sick the other day off work off social media because I had a fever in response to my COVID shot. No one noticed I was gone. No one asked if I was okay. No one asked me the next day why I wasn’t there. Nothing. I notice when they’re not there. I notice when they’re quiet and busy.

I engage in conversation. I care. I thought we were friends.

I cried about this earlier because we’re not on the same level. They say they’re friends but they don’t really care.

So I’m just disconnected now. I’ll respond when they chat but I won’t offer anything. I’ll ask what’s wrong (be ignored of course) and engage. I won’t start a conversation.

I engaged in conversation with one of them earlier today. No one responded to me. I didn’t say anything. No one said anything for two hours.

Nobody asks me how I’m doing. How was my weekend. What’s my weekend plans. How are things. I have to offer this up. I have to start a conversation.

I just feel done. They aren’t really friends.

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