Roll Call 197

I feel sad somewhat. Not totally down in the dumps though. There's just so much I want to do but am constrained by time and money.

Work a half day today and then tomorrow is is New Year’s Eve! I like New Year’s Eve. I have this tradition where I wake up early and celebrate every time zone (all 26 hours). Then lamb on New Year’s Day.

I’m feeling pretty good today. Looking forward to it all. Hopefully next year will be better.

This year was hard. My mental health has been a struggle. I had a lymphoma scare. COVID. Fatty liver. Lost a bunch of weight (good and bad).

I don’t make resolutions but I just hope for an easier year. Maybe feel more comfortable getting back to the gym. Or swimming or something. Go out to restaurants. Back to normal.

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Long days make me tired. It's been dull today too. No bueno. Ugh. Almost off of work. 3 day weekend. Trying to stay peppy for the last half hour or so but pft. Kinda over it. I wish I would have thought to have everyone leave early today due to the holiday. But I paid time out until the end of the workday so we have to stay.

Anyone seen Matilda the Musical on Netflix? I am interested in watching it. Maybe this weekend. Hope it's good.

Very very sad. Tomorrow I take 50mg of lamotrigine instead of 25mg.

I know sadness is normal.. But this morning, at work - I'll be honest, was feeling suicidal thoughts the whole time. I drank 0.5g mush tea, became apathetic.

My mom told me to text my sister (I didn't want to), but her reply made me tear up. My mom cried listening to it lol..

Most dramatic, quickest mood change I've ever had RN (From dextroamphetamine). All is good for now.

Damn.... I need help. I'll let my psychiatrist know. I'd rather see a shaman though. I'll plan to finish reading that book (About shamanism and schizophrenia).

7 Things To Remember When You Feel Broken Inside - Lifehack

Woke up at 4am to start ringing in the new year! Excited.

Got a bottle of champagne in the fridge, and going to get Chinese food later.

Hopefully stay awake until 6am tomorrow to ring in all time zones.

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I woke up feeling the best (In the morning) in a long time. I wondered if it was cuz the 50mg lamotrigine. I listened to a podcast at work (It wasn't very busy) - Really interesting. Said "HNY!" and left.

My focus was bad.. I took the afternoon 20mg of Dexedrine and 75mg of pregabalin.. I decided to stop drinking alcohol..

I ate a 2.5mg THC edible (Just to have deeper thoughts, relaxation), smoked some too.. Bad anhedonia, can't appreciate music in the slightest (It's like I don't even notice it playing) - Not sure if it's that, the lamotrigine, or combined.

My mom called me, no problem talking.. Just flatter tone of voice. My mom tries so hard, and last night.. I was listening to music, reading articles about life, absorbing it all - She told me to go to sleep and I got frustrated. I was feeling some of the most intense emotion.

Cuz every time I wake up (In the morning), it's like a reset, I feel more numb. And Vyvanse doesn't do much anymore.

So I'll keep track of this stuff, and explain everything to my psychiatrist.

Happy New Year's though ^- I'll drink a champagne with my mom and FaceTime family - This happened for like 5-6 New Year's in a row, just with my mom.. Lol.. (Even when she was in cancer treatment in 2019-2020)..

That podcast though.. Wow. It gave me such appreciation for how surreal/dream-like this life is, this reality..

It hard to accept that it's just my brain is in a vat (At first) - But slowly, I began to accept a lot of it (Although it can still be scary).

There's a type of thing about anxiety.. uncertainty.. People feel fear or excitement, astonishment, amazement (That's what it's supposed to be). I don't see any good reason for fear (Except that it just exists..). It does suck..

But, in another podcast I listened to this summer, a Buddhist teacher, explaining that behind fear is?.. Idk. That thing I sent to BB, I forget.. But it's more complicated on wiki;

Fear - Wikipedia

Hope everyone has a good/safe New Years Eve and a great or better 2023

I started the trazodone. I slept better, it also helps my anxiety.

I feel the music again

I got a free Nikon D70s from the free stuff that was given away, it has a really nice Nikkor lenses attachment and is in really good condition. It just needs new batteries and a new charger. This is like a $600-700 camera not including the lense attachment which is around $100ish. I don’t know how I ended up so lucky yesterday. They set aside the Casio keyboard and the camera for me. I have always wanted to learn piano/keyboard and always wanted a DSLR camera but never could afford one. I’m looking forward to learning and getting better with photography and music.

Same here, been listening to music all day. Sometimes it just really hits a certain way and feels euphoric

Ate Chinese food and drank champagne! My sister will go to bed early so we celebrated new years with the same time zone as Germany.

Hopefully I stay up until 6am tomorrow. See how it goes.

I have fancy champagne glasses (like the ones from the 30s that are more flat instead of flutes). I love them. I’m going to drink out of it all night.

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It's nearly time for me!!!!!

Happy new year everyone!!!!

I made it to 1am and called it a night. I blame not sleeping well the night before, and medication making me sleepy lol.

Oh well, missed out on five hours of time zones.

Happy new year

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Got up this morning and got on the treadmill. Heading over to my friends house in a couple hours We're gonna have Chinese takeout and play some RPG boardgames/card games.

I didn't make it up till midnight last night. I don't even think I made it past 10, I was listening to a meditation and closed my eyes during it then suddenly I woke up and it was 4:30am, I didn't mean to fall asleep but I did.

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Anyway, since it's officially 2023, happy new year everyone!

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Woke up felt so sad at work, tears almost. Then the coffee made gave me much energy.. and.. So much energy.

How can I explain this to my mom. She's part of why I'm like this. But must blame self. Don't want to take stim incase it calms me down, like it does sometimes..

And.. Lamotrigine. I like it. I feel less tired in the morning after it kicks in. I stay up late and wake up early.

I had some form of derealization last night. It was too much to handle. I'm sick of it. Thoughts racing like never before last night, but still fell asleep with zopiclone.

I need exercise too. Haven't in a while.

I feel more optimistic for the new year. But I have these thoughts.

Starve. Exercise. Binge. Don’t sleep. Go off meds. Self harm. Drink all the alcohol.

Just trying to be normal. I’ve been eating normal last week or so. Well, mostly. Im trying. I feel a lot I want to numb things. But I think I feel a bit better? Maybe 200mg lamotrigine is helping. I don’t know.

It’s the 1st. I see my doctor on the 12th. Hopefully I have good feelings by then.

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Had a fun time with my friend today. He showed me how to paint miniatures so I can get started on painting my own miniatures when I’m able to buy the right paint and stuff. So we painted for awhile. I learned a lot. Miniatures are like little grey plastic model figures that sometimes come with certain rpg board games. I have the Descent board game with like 40 miniatures characters. So I’m planning on painting some of those soon. I started a base coat on one of my figures today while I was there with him and he showed me how to add detail effects and whatnot. It’s really relaxing. Anyway yeah so I learned a lot and I’m excited to paint mine when I can.

We also played a LCG (living card game/rpg game) for awhile.

And we had Chinese takeout for lunch

He walked me home and on the way home I bought a coffee for myself because it is cold out (he doesn’t drink coffee). Glad to have such a good friend. We’ve been friends since I moved back here in 2016, have a lot in common and always have a lot of fun when together.

It’s not done yet, still has a lot more to be done but I got the base coat on the whole body and some detail on the skin.

It’s not much so far but I already feel super proud of it. I’m excited to see how this one turns out.