Roll Call 197

This is my mood the past couple weeks

They didn’t give me anesthesia just a shot.

I was accidentally triggered by my doctor the other day when I told him about my eating disorder. Keep thinking about things and feel this revitalized urge to not eat. I weighed myself after not weighing myself since Christmas.

I feel this urge to lose as much weight as possible as soon as possible.

I was doing well but talking about it made it worse? Idk. Idk really.

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I was having anger issues at one point…same thing…talking or even thinking about it made it ten X worse.

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I'm really depressed. It feels like everything is going against me. I'm gonna ask about going back on Prozac again. That means I won't be using psychedelics or anything. I want to completely stay away from alcohol as well.

Until then, I'll take phenibut.

I don't care if the Prozac numbs me right out. I really don't. I've had enough.

I went back on 15 mg aripiprazole cause my depression was acting up again.

My pdoc was being foolish in suggesting that aripiprazole cannot be combined with other antipsychotics, and thinking that my mood issues had to do with anxiety, when in reality they were depression issues due to him taking me off of Zyprexa and Abilify simultaneously, which is silly in the first place, due to it being impossible to tell which thing had which effect, in that case, and even still he was combining Abilify with Zyprexa before so that negated his entire argument. So he increased my Klonopin to 3 mg, which I have since reduced to 2 mg at least, and I'm planning on going down on Klonopin more, since I have heard bad things about being on high doses of it.

Anyway, luckily, when I move, I will have a new pdoc who knows what he's doing more than this one.

I’m pretty sure abilify can be combined with other APs. I’m on both abilify and Thorazine

I hope things go well with the klonopin reduction

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Hope the abilify helps

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Thanks. I hope it helps too. I think it is already helping a little.

This trip is just stressing me out to the max. I guess I probably shouldn't go. Dang.

It will feel better once you’re there. Avoiding things makes it worse.

My anxiety gets really bad at night time because I know I'll have to go to sleep at some point. It scares me. I'm afraid of dying in my sleep. I have no control over whether I die or not in my sleep, I can't predict life but it still scares me and makes me try to avoid sleeping as long as possible. it's a battle every night to get myself to lay down and close my eyes. I told my therapist about it and she said one thing I can think to reassure myself is that I have age on my side (I'm 28 years old) and I am healthy/have no physical health issues.

Once I fall asleep it's fine, I sleep good since starting the trazodone. It's getting myself to not fear going to sleep is the issue. It makes me really panicky when evening approaches because I know at some point I'll have to go to sleep

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Anyway , I finished a book today. It was 378 pages. I read the last 200 pages today. I'm proud of myself because my focus has been so bad for so long and I've been unable to finish books. I start one, then start another instead, then pick another, on and on I can't make up my mind or stick with any so I just give up. I read a lot the previous years 45-55 books a year. I've barely read lately.

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I can’t help myself sometimes. I see the bottle of alcohol there so I drink when no one is looking. I have to stop. Just one drink out in the open just leave it at that. No sneaking.

It’s just sometimes I want to disappear and I can’t help it.

If my mood was better I wouldn’t want to. Ugh it’s frustrating. I just wish I could be allowed and not judged for getting drunk. Instead it’s one drink allowed. I try to obey. I don’t do this all the time. I just need to escape sometimes.

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Do you struggle with indecisiveness? I'm just asking because that's one thing I struggle with a lot and I noticed in some posts you change your mind a lot on things, regarding the trip and Klonopin etc not judging, it's something I experience, just wanted to share an idea: One thing that helps me is writing a pros and cons list of whatever decision your making, and using that towards your final decision

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Video chatting with a friend tomorrow , she's good at photography and offered to give me some tips and show me more about how my camera works

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I’m sorry you’re feeling that way and struggling, I don’t have any advice but just wanted to let you know I care

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I bought a canister of vanilla Chai tea latte mix and it’s amazing. I had a cup while watching Stranger Things today, was perfect. Love the spices in it.

I can’t wait till it’s spring and the weather is nicer so I can go to the park and take pics with my Nikon, of the trees, the lake, the sky, the rose garden, general scenery etc it’s gonna be fun. Plus by then I should be pretty familiar with how my camera works

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I just don't have the ****ing energy to deal with life. But I will try.. as best I can.. to GET A GRIP

Holding onto everything won't solve the issue.. In a natural state, things flow accordingly...

I'm looking at my hands, catching the falling fragments of my mind - "Wtf are these???"

Wtf are these..

Thanks everyone for being so supportive about the trip. I am going to go. The thing that was bothering me was that I needed to find good providers for mental health down there, which I think I've finally settled. Given that that's in place, I feel a lot more comfortable going.

I hope things get better Desoxyn

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I did 13 minutes on the treadmill. Was only aiming for 15 minutes today so that’s fine. Someone came in to do their laundry (there’s a treadmill in each laundry room) I had to get off which is fine because I did enough. It’s just someone came in there to do their laundry and the used a LOT of bleach and the smell in the small room with the heat on and windows closed was getting to me so I just got off. Didn’t want to breath that in while working out.

In my apartment I did weights and squats

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I’m trying my best to be good. Not going to really drink anymore. Basically if I can’t get drunk what’s the point lol. It’s dumb but it helps.

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