Roll Call 197

I completed the 30 day beginners photography course. There's a further more in depth course you can take that is certified, you get a certificate, but it's $129 to access if, so I'll have to wait on that

HUGS Desoxyn. I hate feeling ignored. I am sorry that you feel that way. I don't know what to say about the stimulant. I take Vyvanse but I've never abused it so I don't have that perspective. I don't have a lot of common sense myself. I have always been kind of book smart. But yeah, not so much like "life smart." It's hard to socialize IRL. I have trouble with it. I have gotten a bit better these past couple of years but there are times when I just want to be alone and not socialize because it is draining. Do you find it draining? You're really smart. Way smarter than me. You have really interesting thoughts and things to say. Sometimes I don't know what to say in response because I am no where close to your brilliance. But I admire you. I've been feeling ignored myself lately too. It's hard. Wish it didn't have to be this way. HUGS

For some reason my coworkers have the air conditioning going today. Lately I've been really hot (I think it is hormones--I am asking my GP about it next Monday) but today I have been freezing and since I have been hot lately, I didn't bring a sweatshirt or jacket. They need to turn the air off.

I was going to suggest a consignment shop…hen get it tailored.

Inhaled water accidentally when I was taking my meds tonight, like a lot of water, couldn't breath for a few seconds, eventually I was able to cough it out , scared me a lot

Having a panic attack now, really shook me up, one of my biggest fears is dying from choking

I keep thinking maybe I died when it happened and am just in a memory or something now as a ghost or something. It has me feeling very dissociated

Sorry BB.. You need to heal. Love, support, safety.. and many things that I'm too disorganized to know, but just starting to learn - That's all you need! All is okay..

Many episodes of trauma have happened (I'm wondering about the dextromethorphan). It sucks that it was - just one after another, taking something to feel better (Like I did), and it was a disaster for you.

Time mostly helps with DPDR, + But it's important to just keep trying to function (Like you're already doing - Which is great!) The mind is like a muscle as well - I should know this.. I wish people reassured me about these things for myself)

- And, the brain is neuroplastic.. So all of these things are habits - And need something to shake it all up again - Since that can't happen right now, slowly adjusting the habits every day WILL work... (Since change is inevitable throughout our lives) - Just need guide it into the right destination...

All of the things that you're doing are good.. I remember being in my apartment, totally messed up - My mom came in after 10 days and said "This place is a mess D:" and I said, "I know! There's mess everywhere!" (Almost as if I thought "Why is there mess?") - Soon after, I went to the psych ward (Not saying that you were the same - I'm sure your apartment is clean AF...), OCD thoughts.. Grasping onto what you try to control.

When you let go (And I know that meditation can help with this - I really recommend that you keep practicing this - Cuz the thoughts even get refined over time, becoming strengthened, and less of a noisy "Monkey mind".. Which I think depersonalization is.. or ADHD), that's where the content, calm, possibly blissful etc feelings are hidden behind.. And with time (And staying on meds that decrease neuroplasticity/antipsychotics/mood stabilizers), perception is de-amplified.. So if the dissociation keeps happening, you could be pushing yourself too hard (Maybe).

- People say "Relax", but that's really what you could need... If this isn't a good time to take a clonazepam (If you're still anxious/panicking), Idk what is.. The meds, good tools.. You're cared for, loved - And can have a good amount of enjoyment/less suffering - You WILL without a doubt. There's just setbacks that can happen... All is good =]

Thank you so much Desoxyn, I actually did end up taking a klonopin, laid down with my weighted blanket on and the cat laying on my lap, and prayed most of the rosary and meditated while it kicked in. I feel a lot calmer now.

Yeah the dxm, I wonder if that kind of made dissociation worse for me, because ever since I took that huge amount when I was 18 and blacked out then saw the ceiling and started hallucinating and couldnt understand my thoughts and couldn’t speak properly or get out actual words, I was trying to ask for help or someone to call an ambulance because I knew something was wrong I took way too much and was sweating and could smell the chemicals. No one was in the room with me though. It was in the middle of the night and my mom was in the other room sleeping. Anyway, I stayed kind of dissociated and high just from that amount for about a week straight after that. Never had taken anywhere near that amount before.

But I know it seems to have triggered dissociating and panic attacks ever since. I never had a panic attack before overdosing on that. I started experiencing them not long after that. I had anxiety, I was severely anxious my whole life. But never had panic attacks until after that event

Will reply more in a minute just doing it in a few posts

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I do push myself to be ultra productive. I schedule my days down to every hour of everyday for weeks in advance. I have a really obsessive scheduling habit where I make to do lists for every single days for an entire month or so at a time. And I mean like every single hour too.

So I’ll have Saturday for example with this written down

-Study bible @6am
-Clean (the entire apartment)@7am
-walk to CVS to pick up meds @9:30am
-walk to family dollar to buy household essentials @11am , stop at library to pick up book
2-3pm exercises (treadmill, weights and squats)
3-4pm practice taking pics with my Nikon and learn photography
4pm - take a shower
5pm start preparing dinner
6:30pm clean dishes put them away
7-8:30pm read book
8:30pm meditate for 20 minutes

Just an example
It’s really intensely detailed and I do this for like a month at a time scheduling every hour of every day and check and recheck and add stuff etc every day multiple times a day and cannot stop. I’ve done this for years. It kind of stresses me out but I feel like I need to do always be doing something somewhat productive, it’s kind of ridiculous and weird.

I’m obsessed with my to do list app on my tablet

Yesterday I had a the dentist thing and had to take 4 walks , on 3 hours of sleep. And yet when I got home I still pushed myself to keep getting up and doing things even though I was exhausted because I *had* to hit 10,000 steps on my Fitbit

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It's like we intuitively know that these lists can help.. They do though! Therapy can help as well. It's the reason I want friends IRL - To help guide me, etc.. Or for life to just be natural where I'm not so isolated ^-

I’m cooking fresh asparagus in the air fryer later to have with salmon and black beans for dinner tonight

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That sounds amazing!!!

This was part of lunch today that I made, the other part of lunch will be a berry/spinach protein smoothie using my blender

Took this pic with my Nikon

Always nice to have something fresh!

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Yeah I’m trying to eat more vegetables. Trying to incorporate them in every meal somehow. Like spinach and other veggies in eggs in the morning, or oatmeal with a piece avocado toast, smoothies with frozen spinach blended in , salads, sides with dinner. Like asparagus tonight.

I barely ever eat vegetables. So I’m trying to fix that now

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I made a cabbage soup last night. Would have been vegan but I used chicken stock. It’s really good. Having leftovers for lunch today (made a bunch of soup).

Today is my moms birthday so I’m making roast chicken with basil potatoes and broccoli for dinner. We made a lime cheesecake last night and we’re having that for her cake today.

Eating wise I’m doing more better but not great? I had poutine a could times this week (fresh fries and then leftovers) and it made me sick. I guess I’m not used to really fatty foods anymore.

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Today is a good, different! day.

I can't achieve the things I want to do.. I don't eat in the morning or afternoon - But a lot in the evening/at night.

How much weight do I have to gain before I can go on metformin?

No.. but I just want my brain to run on ketones. And the mind becomes unfocused without glucose for a few days before it switches.. And I can't tolerate that. I decided to not eat sugar, and then I couldn't comprehend a video that I was watching.. It was so boring..

There's other things I want to adjust.. I'm -5 Dexedrines in debt. I'm preparing for a mild trip.. Although ket should arrive soon.. At first, it made my cognition worse - Then made it SO much better - Like a year ago. The 3 stimulants I bought last year, I didn't like. I got influenced by that friend I have..

So I'll... keep adjusting.. to not compare myself to others (But isn't that what gratitude is?) - I'm so confused about everything. I'm taking a break from it all...

I’m on metformin, I got prescribed it at 175lbs (I’m 5 ft 4)

My natural set weight when I’m not on antipsychotics is around 115 lbs. over the years of being at home all day, the APs , the bingeing/purging , I went from 135 to 175

It helps me not crave food constantly. Before it I would be hungry all the damn time from the APs I’m on. But now I can go 4-5 hours or longer between meals. I try not to go longer than that though.

The highest weight I was was 235 lbs. I got off APs for a period of time and lost 100 lbs and was back down to 135. Stayed there for a long time till I ended up having to go back on them and between that, not going anywhere due the pandemic , bad eating habits etc I’m at 168 now. Lost 7 lbs so far.

It’s kind of slow going right now but it has made a big difference in the insane hunger I get from the APs. I don’t get that anymore since being on metformin.

I’m doing most of the work though to get to weight off. Working out, being active , eating healthier.

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I am prey for predators of the spirit

This is what I made for dinner tonight. The asparagus came out great , 8 minutes in the air fryer with some canola oil.

The salmon was just from a bag of frozen glazed salmon filets I bought. I just heated it up in the microwave. You could do that, or the oven or the stove. I chose the quickest easiest option. I suppose I could have air fried it , I just didn’t feel like air frying two separate things tonight

I left out the black beans because I ate a snack kind of close to dinner so wasn’t hungry enough to add another side.

I actually sat at my table and ate, without my phone or distractions anywhere near me, I just ate with the tv on in the background, wasn’t watching it, it’s barely audible on the sound level I have it on at the moment, I just focused on eating. Took me like 40 minutes to eat, but I took my time and finished.

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I’ll probably have an evening coffee in a few minutes , will do the dishes a little later tonight. Maybe around 7:30pm. It’s going on 6pm now.

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I am trying to work on not doing all or nothing thinking. Like I kind of felt like doing something a bit artistic today just for fun and I drew a butterfly. Part of me didn’t even want to start because I felt it would be pointless to take time to draw something if I feel it will turn out like crap anyway, so I was conflicted on whether I should or not. I did draw it, and it came out okay, it’s not perfect, I’m trying not to be like oh it’s not perfect so it’s complete crap.

Just trying to not think like that in multiple areas of my life. Like I ate something small that was sweet today so I’m trying not to tell myself that I completely ****ed up my healthy eating and today is a fail. I just tend to think in extreme opposites. Either everything has to be perfect or it’s a failure or bad.

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It is easy to love a flower, but not a leaf. It is ordinary to love beautiful things, but beautiful to love the ordinary.

I found on Quora, a "Schizoid with inattentive ADHD" (For a different reason) and came across this;

"Metacognition.

To think about ones thinking, and gain self-awareness into ones thoughts and emotions is what it mostly takes.

Here’s some examples of mundane things that can be all-or-nothing (aka; black-and-white) that can be applied to many aspects of even the average person.

I want to save money. I’m pretty good with doing that. However, one of my biggest money sinks was wasting money on fast food and being too lazy to cook. So, the all-or-nothing thought process would tell someone “You need to either eat out every day because you’re too tired to do anything else”, or “You need to never eat out ever”. Instead, what I did, was look into gray areas and realize those aren’t the only two options available. Maybe I should just cut back on eating out, such as eating out one meal a day instead of two or three. Perhaps, get the small smoothie instead of the large one. I don’t need to just 100% stop eating out. Just doing it less often will be a fine compromise, or at least be a good start to positive change.

How about when someone is mad or upset with me? Does that make them all-bad because they don’t like my personality or something I’ve done? Does that make me all bad because one person has a negative opinion of me? No. Things are more nuanced than that. Hell, even if I like them and they don’t like me, that isn’t a good or bad thing. Not everyone is going to like who I am, and that’s okay. I won’t let that stop myself from being who I am. It’s great to have friends, but I don’t have to be friends with everyone.

Overcoming black-and-white thinking is about seeing the beauty of more than two options. The world is full of choices, and most of the time, there isn’t just two extremes. Just because your job is stressing you out, doesn’t mean you have to quit. Just because you’re upset with your girlfriend, doesn’t mean you should automatically break up. Just because you feel burnt out, doesn’t mean you should drink yourself to oblivion.

The world has more than two colours if you look hard enough."

- Could be helpful (Or not), idk. Was helpful for me.