Roll Call 197

Are there places that take people with a high school degree and no work experience ? This is kind of frustrating.

Maybe I should focus on finishing my college degree first and volunteering somewhere else in the meantime

Maybe I should look into medical billing. It would be a job where I wouldn’t need super great customer service skills and I’d be on a computer to do it

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I have to think like an AI in order to save my future

I literally have no time, and it would be wrong to go the traditional way (Like 10-20 years ago) - Changes must be made.

Reading is useless, movies are useless, etc

Family? I have to warn them and inform them, philanthropically.

And channel more wisdom from psychedelics, spiritual practices.

Relax, to let it all come to me.. In isolation, it's bad.

Dinner tonight

I don't trust the Invega injections. But there's no way to stop them from injecting me without being gaslighted (And I probably need them - Or neurologically dependent now, I'm not sure).

Once the economy collapses even more (In 2-5 years), something will change. It's going to happen really fast.

I guess I shouldn't even worry about meds. They are the least of my worries.

Is everything okay Desoxyn? I’m sorry that you’re struggling

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I’m reading like tips for coping with BPD. So one of the tips is Mindfulness Meditation. I’m aiming to do that for 40 minutes a day divided into two 20 minute sessions. So one 20 minute session in the morning and one 20 minute session in the evening. One of the things it said is even though it may seem like there’s no hope for recovering doing things like this can change your physical brain over time to react differently to stress and to have more matter or something like that.

Also looking at tips for dealing with paranoid ideation. It’s a different type/separate sort of thing than delusional paranoia.

So yeah and working on impulsivity.

I feel like I react so strongly to things. It’s like if someone even says something to me that I perceive their body language to be odd or they look at me a certain way , and say something that’s not even a criticism I feel like they’re laughing at me or hate me or think I’m horrible. I just feel like I assume the worst about others motives

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I still have a lot of things to work on in therapy. I feel like I’m just starting to actually work on my issues after 10 years of therapy. Not my therapists fault, the one I’ve been seeing for 7 years is great. I just never opened up about anything. Because I felt like it was all too much. Since I finally started talking about trauma and stuff 3 sessions ago I’m trying to start working on issues and not avoiding them.

Sorry I’m posting all this stuff here. I know it may not be relatable to a lot of you. There’s no support in the borderline section of the personality disorder subsection of the forum. So I still post here. It’s like a ghost town there. No one posts or replies.

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Thank you thank you.

I appreciate it, I'm out there.

Out here that is.

Wherever that is.

But I'm okay, I'm back on Abilify with the Latuda so my mood is not \/ but rather /\. Anyway, that is a good thing, I'm back to baseline (I guess).

Latuda just didn't help with my mood. My pdoc down here was thinking about raising it to 80 mg though. So who knows honestly with the meds. They can make so much of a difference it's not even funny.

I want to go back up to 30 mg of Abilify. Who knows if the doc will like that idea though.

I am on 3 mg clonazepam daily. Yikes! I tried 2 mg one day and I couldn't handle it (but I could). I just think the clonazepam confuses me and gets me in this place where I feel I cannot cope.

Anyway...

Long post...

But.

I've been writing 1515 words on my novel every day.

That is a good thing.

My novel is now 150 or so pages. Double-spaced or whatever. But still. Real 250-word pages I think.

Regardless. I didn't mean to get out of touch. Life is just stressful right now. I moved to a different country and it's like good but bad in certain ways.

After you said that about the evening coffee that made me crave one so badly. In a good way. I mean I've been eating sugar like straight from the jar (or honey I think rather) in the middle of the night. Not fun.

I am gonna go make myself a coffee.

Life is interesting. I guess...

Mindfulness meditation is awesome for me. It really helps calm my reactivity. And other things as well. It helps me gain perspective. I don't really know what my diagnosis is anymore. But I know meditation and mindfulness help a lot so yeah give it a try. There's a book out there called Coming to Our Senses by Jon Kabat-Zinn that I recommend. It's really long but it's really good if you're into mindfulness and meditation.

I hear you on that stuff. If you need to talk about it, just talk about it here (if you're comfortable doing so).

Also I was trying to get into this program called like a Diploma in Mindfulness (translated from Spanish). And the person who leads it was concerned about my mental health stuff cause apparently they dive really deep into feelings and stuff. And so that depressed me a little bit. Because I probably won't be able to do it without my psychiatrist's approval. And I don't know what my psychiatrist will say quite honestly. So that's giving me a bit of stress and anxiety. And part of me thinks it would probably be for the best not to do the program. So I don't know. Maybe I just need to chill out.

On a positive note I've been connecting in person with my student.

Even before the sperm hit the egg, I wasn't okay. No jk I'm just struggle, I'm okay though. Just freaked out by existence - And want to do something great with life but don't know how + Lots of stress =]

I feel like my Dr.'s recommendation to go down on the Klonopin from 3 mg to either 2.5 mg or 2 mg was good, it's just, how do I do that, you know?

I am gonna try the 2 mg Klonopin tomorrow. And stick to it.

It's good to see you Glad things are going well with your novel

I wonder if the sugar craving thing is an abilify thing, because I never craved it this badly, before I was on abilify (I've been on it a few years now) Seems several people on abilify have massive sugar cravings, or maybe it's just APs in general. Not to say these meds are bad, just noticed a correlation with a few users here including myself having increased sugar cravings on abilify

Are there any alternatives to Klonopin you can take? I know you've wanted to go down in dose/or get off it for awhile. I used to be on atenolol for anxiety/panic and it helped a lot. I am on klonopin now but I rarely use it so it's just kind of there in case of emergency when I'm deperate

I accidentally didn't eat enough today, 100% not on purpose, just was busy with some stuff. Anyway, like low blood sugar hit me suddenly tonight a few minutes ago, to the point where I feel nauseous and shaky. So I ate something, I'm hoping it doesn't come straight back up

I am frustrated though because even when I eat normal this happens sometimes, I never had that happen before a couple years ago

I'm wondering if I should come off my APs. I'm concerned about developing diabetes or pre diabetes as it runs in my family

Or maybe it's the metformin, Idk

Yeah I've been prescribed Gabapentin 300 mg to make up for some of the anxiety. And my doc said I could go up to 80 mg Latuda if I was feeling super anxious still. And yeah, I really want to get off of the Klonopin totally. I am hoping Gabapentin can help too. And yeah, I think I will keep that in mind with the Abilify. I don't know. I feel like I hate being on two APs though.

Cause my doctor in the States was like just stay on Latuda (this was before I left of course). And the doc here is like take Abilify if you need it.

So it's not necessarily contradictory advice. But it makes me feel like I'm torn between two options.

I didn't eat that much today at least for dinner. I just had a yogurt. I don't know. It seems like food doesn't affect me much. My friends are all like "eat more and eat well" etc. and I am like "I don't care." I don't know. I hope that isn't triggering.

No it isn't triggering

I think I need to get tested for diabetes soon, I don't think it's normal to experience such low blood sugar extremes so frequently. The shaking, nausea/sometimes to the point of actuaally throwing up, etc if I don't eat enough. It immediately stops once I eat, that is if the food doesn't come straight back , sometimes it's so bad where I can't even get anything down to stop it

I honestly don't think the Gabapentin does anything though. I am considering stopping it. I think I might see a diff. psychiatrist down here too.

I hope you're able to figure out a solution

I'm on thorazine along with Abilify and my other meds, and feel they work well for me, however, I do get frustrated with being on two APs as well. But if you need it and you're doctor is okay with it then I think it's okay

Oh also I don't know if any of you have had this side effect from Abilify, and I hope you don't / haven't, but it makes me much more impulsive.

Yes, I have been a lot more impulsive on it, with like spending money, I’m managing to learn to control it though, it’s worth the trade off , it helps my mood a lot

Though I know it is not for some people

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