Roll Call 197

Turns out my housing support plan isn’t due until February. We sat down to do it then she looked at the paper and realized we had done one in December and it’s supposed to be every three months , so it’s not due till next month. So we will do one then.

The filter change thing also got rescheduled to Friday. It was supposed to be today. I thought it was supposed to be tomorrow, Thursday. So I guess we’re all mixed up

Hey Angelique....good to see you too! HUGS Kit

I feel so purposeless. Is that a word? I know in my head that I have value, that I add value to other people's lives. Etc. Crap. But right now I just feel like I'm falling or flailing. I am waiting for the Mission Director to tell me I am not approved for the trip to Peru. Talked to my T about it last night. She was like are you worried they will reject you because of your illness (schizoaffective) I was like, yup. I am supposed to hear back from the director this week. But if I don't hear back from him this week then I will broach the subject next week with him. I just want to know that I am approved. I feel "less than." T appointment was okay yesterday. Nothing life changing or earth shattering. Just a regular little conversation. But she did press about the OCD again. She thinks I have that. I'm like okay. I don't know. Other T's have said I have OCD traits but didn't want to label it. We'll see. I'm babbling. Sorry guys.

Oh yeah. Drinking Dutch Bros coffee this morning. Annihilator. My Dad was kind enough to go get one for me and my two female coworkers one that work in the same building as me. It's stupid cold outside and cold inside because our heater broke down. I have a space heater though. But I am drinking Iced Coffee. Ha.

So tired today. Hence the coffee!

I don’t know if this 200mg or lamotrigine is doing anything. I feel depressed still. I don’t feel better even after a week on this dose. How long does it take?

I see the doctor next week. But I just feel terrible. I don’t want to sleep but also don’t want to do anything.

Maybe I’ll have a couple drinks tonight and forget everything. I shouldn’t drink so much but idk what else to do. Self harm isn’t good, starving isn’t good.

Im trying to be better. But it’s not working.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

HUGS cogladaid

Vyvanse is useless. But if I don't take it, I'm comatose. I'll try to 1/2 the olanzepine again. I didn't get DPDR last time (And I stopped taking it for a whole week).

I just have to tell my mom to not trigger me, like cornering me and making me have a meltdown. But also, when I lower the olanzepine, my cognitive functioning deteriorates. It sucks so bad. I guess I won't..

Maybe go up to 100mg of lamotrigine and THEN lower the olanzepine... I think that's what my psychiatrist wants. ****...

It'll be a whole month like this then or more. I just need energy. I'll try and see if I can increase the amount of Dexedrine.

I'll drink more coffee for now. It just takes 3 hours for me to fully wake up.

It usually takes me at least an hour, sometimes two to wake up too Desoxyn. The Vyvanse helps but it doesn't have the same impact as it once did. I wonder if my body has just gotten used to it. IDK. HUGS Kit

I can't stay happy for long. I'm sorry. Lol..

The summer of 2017. Was a good time. Feeling the Molly magic... Right after my moms ex won the lottery and left.. I was so.. Screwed up. And it got worse.

I let my mom control my bank account. 2018? We moved to the hippie town here.. And I made good friends..

2019.. Was okay. My sister was here with us. 2020, craziest.. DPDR, panicking severely, got put on olanzepine again.

All I remember seems to be the good warm times, hiking, mountain biking. But as I said, the thing was going to fall apart.. Cuz my moms friends were hooking up etc, wine, marijuana, coke. It was okay.

I feel alone mostly, and those times = Much suffering. But it happened. There's a lot of meaning, awakening. And my memory is so bad. I have to get off the computer for a while..

But the future awaits, dystopia. Technology. I have no choice in the matter.. Or do I.. Idk. My dad will help me, so will my mom.. Soon I'll travel with my dad in his jeep - To Colorado..

Hey everyone, sorry I've been feeling kinda bad so haven't felt like posting much lately.

60 mg Latuda is the antipsychotic I'm on. No other antipsychotics.

I feel so much anxiety lately it's hard to really express myself.

I wish I could go back on the olanzapine. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Going to tell him as much.

No, I just didn't know where you went, sorry.

Sent from my Nokia C2 Tennen using Tapatalk

They say latuda helps with anxiety but I'm not so sure... I need olanzapine. I might take some.

All my psychiatrist has to say is, "These changes can be hard."

It’s okay, I was just confused because I’ve been around, maybe not as much though I guess

Good feelings now. Will prepare the tea.

That's tough. Be honest with your Psychiatrist and tell them you would rather take Olanzapine too. Olanzapine has been very stable for me.

Have an appointment with my therapist at 4pm today, so in about 3 hours. Probably just go over what my psychiatrist and I spoke about, the med adjustments, and how I’m doing now.

So I feel I’m doing pretty well. My anxiety is much lower than it’s been in a long time. My mood is good, it’s been pretty even for the past week and a half. Steady, not going extremely up or extremely down. I haven’t had any sui thoughts. I have been doing my hobbies (reading, playing games, watching shows/movies, listening to music, exercising) and meditating everyday plus I will be able to paint my miniatures soon because my friend bought himself a whole new set of paints and he said he wants to give me his old set of 32 paints. So that’s exciting. Painting them is very relaxing.

I’m sleeping good, straight through the night, usually am asleep every night by 9pm or 10 at the latest.

Glad you are doing well Blue_Bird. You deserve all good things.

If anything we all have more value not less. We are dancing backwards in high heels while they’re just dancing. It takes so much more dedication and perseverance etc for us to do the same things. We’d all be ceos if we put this much energy in and were neurotypical.

Thanks Sp!

My friend sells LuLaRoe and I just bought some items from her. I am going to need to clean out my closet because I have been buying clothes lately. I hadn't bought any in a while but I have been lately.