Roll Call 197

I cleaned up my keyboard. It has a headphone Jack but my headphones need a bigger adapter to plug it in. Really cool because I can play at night silently without worrying about bothering anyone. I ordered the adapter.

I also bought a camera bag, new battery/charger set for my Nikon D70s, and a card reader so I can transfer photos from my camera Compact flash card to my laptop. So by next weekend my camera will be working.

This is extra exciting because I can use the Nikon to take really good macro pictures of my figure paintings that show off a lot of detail up close. Better quality pictures than my iPhone 8 Plus can take.

Anyway sorry for rambling, it’s a good start to 2023 for me

I said to my mom last night, "Is 2023 going to be good" and she said "Yes, I think so". Idk if she's serious or just trying to comfort me. Idk how anyone can be serious. The conspiracies got to me. It's pure hopelessness for me.

I wanted to go to school for a while, learn.. And my mom said I can do that... But I feel like society is demented. I've always thought that since I was like 4. I continued suffering through, with severe nervousness and fear. I was way too introverted and inside of my head. Then when I moved to Canada, everything was quiet and isolated, I broke down. There was no discipline anymore - I was free, but still obeyed my moms ex until the end after he won the lottery and left the next day.

**** it. I wish I didn't care anymore.

I feel too good. Calm. All is ok. I'm was just venting.

I hope my mom doesn't get mad at me for the problems I'm dealing with. I'm trying to listen to people but it's so difficult. Reality has shattered long time ago, subjectively (In 2012) - The world ended right? Well my world did.. Solipsistic, being God thing, maybe. And then it did it again, objectively (In 2020). Of course.. Started since the 1900's, and the 70's (Shortly after the war on drugs).

But I always have insight.. I never lose it. The only time I lost insight, was from rebound psychosis/delirium, from the clonazepam overdose.

I'm okay...

Remember the 92 clonazepams SP.. I remember you during that time. You were like "??" - But was good insight.

I do remember….thank goodness you made it through that and told your mom.

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I hope things continue to improve with the lamictal.
I used to self harm over 10 years ago. I honestly can’t remember what helped me stop. I did from ages 11 to 19. But I know the first thing I had to do was work on managing the urge. So whenever I felt the urge to self harm I would instead do something else. Like hold ice. Take a hot shower. Sometimes the shock of cold or hot temps (without it being too much) is enough to give you kind of a similar endorphin thing that self harm does and helps relieve negative feelings. I couldn’t keep it sucks not being able to shave if you do shave but I think safety is most important. I don’t know what you do particularly to self harm but it’s something to think about.

Intuitive eating is hard but is another thing that has helped me , with my eating disorder. Might be something to look into

Just throwing out some ideas, you deserve to feel good/ feel better. I hope you’re able to find some helpful coping techniques and hopefully the med increase will continue to help improve things.

So I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday.

I guess she said she was getting some trauma stuff for us to go over/work on. I will let her know how my appointment with my psychiatrist went earlier this week since they work in the same office and share notes.

I tend to do my best when I’m busy doing things.

I’m still debating about going back to college in the fall but I don’t want it to be an impulsive decision. Because I’ve done that so many times. Started, got overwhelmed, had to withdraw, rinse repeat. Should I even go back? Or should I figure something else out? I really really want to finish my degree. I already have quite a bit of credits. I will really need to apply myself and stay focused. I just want to be ready. I can’t start classes again impulsively, get overwhelmed, drop out , because it affects my academic standing and it’s already precarious. I know I can do it, it’s not the academics that are the issue. It’s following through and learning to better manage my response to stress

I wrote to the speed autist friend. I used to take pride in not having BPD, and just being chill. I have avoidant attachment too, what ever that is... Basically, I was born autistic, then got so traumatized by life and stress which leads to symptoms of quite a few mental disorders and addiction etc. Idk what is real even. Have mercy upon my dead mathematic soul.

My moms ex was a severe narcissist. And my mom chose him over me (Told me that I wouldn't win in court when he attacked me, to say that "I just want him out of the house - Instead of deported"). So just severe neglect and isolation.

It's the perfect combination of things to make a bright kid to be so ****ed up as an adult. And it's like that for most families (I think), cuz remember.. the conspiries.. Economy... Virus... Psychosis..? Yeah..

Manipulation! Paranoia!... I get the Invega Trinza injection tomorrow.

Edit: I forgot about booking an appointment for the injection.. It's not really a big deal - I'll get to it on Monday.

Continue college when you're ready. You can do it =]

I was studying at university part time but I haven’t done it all year. I had to drop my two classes in order not to fail. I don’t feel I’m mentally able to handle it right now. I don’t know if or when I’ll go back to it. I wish it was easier to focus on something.

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I’m trying to be better. Eat normally.

I had leftover Chinese food for lunch (mainly veggies with a bit of stir fried beef), some popcorn, some pickles, and I’m having ribs for dinner.

My mind is skewed in what’s normal. What’s enough. I don’t know if this is enough. I don’t want to eat more though.

And I’m trying to get more exercise done. My doctor advised I should for endorphins to improve my mood. I’m two for two. Biking both days so far this year.

Part of me is worried that I’m doing it to help weight loss more than anything.

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I feel better today. I slept for 17 hours.

My dreams were so insane. They were like fever dreams.

It was a crazy vacation in Mexico. It went by so fast. The world is going by so fast, life is.

I want more, to look forward to... I'm sick of the computer. I didn't bring my MacBook with me.

I crave to socialize with people too.. So alone. Lol

This is a bit late but Happy New Years to everyone! I hope that 2023 brings good things for all!

I managed to read a whole book this weekend. Usually focus is a problem for me. I did have a little trouble keeping a few of the characters straight. It was a murder mystery story so there were lots of suspects. I didn't know who did it until the end though. It is called The Rising Tide by Ann Cleeves. It's part of the Vera series. I'm so glad I was able to sit and read. Plus I got my sheets washed. Bonus!

Tonight I have a therapy appointment. My first in several weeks. Not too sure what I am going to talk about....

Same here with the sleep/dream thing. I normally fall asleep around 10pm and am up for the day by 4:30am everyday but last night I fell asleep around 9pm and slept until 10:30am. And holy crap did I have some really bizarre LONG realistic intense dreams I feel like I lived through several movies last night.

One I was donating blood and for some reason there were slushy machines there. I remember getting a Coke slushy and then donating blood, but it was at a Walmart. And it was nighttime. And the lights were very dim and dingy looking. There were other people there in the waiting room drinking slushies. My mom was there.

Then I had a dream I was kidnapped.

Oh and I was watching Hocus Pocus 2 last night and that must have seeped into my subconscious because the witches from there were somewhere in my dream but I forget what they were doing there

I wonder if it's the trazodone because my dreams are always weird but they haven't been this intense, detailed, weird, vivid, and long in a long time. I started trazodone Friday.

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Woke up with schizophrenic mental pain.

I took some meds, and I'm a little better.

I'll ask my dad to bring back T3's and see if they help.

I booked an appointment for the Invega injection (It's been over 9 weeks) on the 5th.

Got stuff done today. Not too much more of work left. About 35 minutes. Time to chill. Lol

I don’t want to sleep. I wish I didn’t have to sleep. I’m tired but I don’t want to. I feel annoyed I have to sleep.

I feel a lot like I want to just disappear. Not suicidal or anything just want to wonder off and do whatever.

I feel im stuck in a rut. I have no real interests. I work. I watch tv. I hang out with my family. I go shopping. What else is there. Is that life being bored? I don’t even want to do that. And now I don’t want to sleep either.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just thinking a lot.

I don’t want to consume. Food drink material sleep.

Idk what I’m talking about. I’ll stare at the ceiling listening to music until I fall asleep.

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Life is a fun, eternal place. We are sick creatures, but it can be so much better.. and it will be. Just gotta believe, and wait - Small changes at a time.

Are the stars out tonight... I love those. I watched the world spin in relation to the stars - Some comets, satellites.. Podcasts, imagining many worlds - Music. I miss the times with the afterglow, sensitivity, hope.. I still have hope - It's as good as insight.

Idk how to get out of a rut.. Stuck in a Rut? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking Free - Lifehack

So according to these things, you're doing it right. Don't think about the lows, the past, the hurt, the stress... Imagine if you were a millionaire.. Just book a flight to some tropicals, do w/e you want.

But balancing yourself, can't do that.. We can lift our energy and prepare for what ever we want for now. It's all good, really. I'm okay with it.

I was once in a very nutty place. No one listened to my feelings - I should have made a YouTube channel, or wish that social media existed. I would have been the most famous hoe.

Gotta kill it though (From your energy). Decay.. Good things will seriously happen - Just be careful, respect this dream - And it will do the same for you.

Focusing intensely, it leads to the same thing, so letting go = New creative insight. Let the universe eat you up - Like a box of Tim Bits, reincarnate and own your life.

It's like smoking DMT and the elves/entities are like "You're in the right place.. Keep doing what you're doing".

It is our destiny, here.. We can do amazing things..

It’s only 920pm. I’m so ****ing bored. I don’t want to do anything. I’m laying in the dark listening to music.

I might as well ****ing sleep just to time travel to the daytime.

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@Blue_Bird are you ok?

Happy New Year, Roll Call. I hope it will be a good year.

Kit, I'm glad to see you posting.

Des, I'm glad you seem a bit better.

I'm eating large amounts of Tootsie roll pops. They're so good. But I wish they'd add a lemon flavored pop. It takes me about 45 minutes to eat one. So, if they are 60 calories per pop (just guessing) they offer a good calorie/time ratio.

I'm sort of depressed today. If I were at home I'd shower without much trouble but here I have a lot of worries. The nurse who was here wanted to shower me but when she appeared, I panicked. I don't know why but she panics me.

Anyway at least I'd be showering if I were home.

The smoke break was canceled today due to a COVID outbreak. This is so stupid. Early in the morning someone appeared and took my blood. Then during the day, they did another nostril test. I've had 5 shots and at least one case of covid. I think I'm safe enough to withstand another case. I'm so sick of this COVID crap. I can't believe they made kids wear masks all day in their schools. Those kids are probably going to develop terrible general anxiety they'll never be free of. What a stupid mess. They're going to be behind in every way, scholastically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, etc.

We used to dread the impact of crack babies on society, now we have covid babies who might be worse.

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@Angelique67 Yes I'm okay, I'm doing well, I'm confused though did I post something that made you concerned or something? I've been around, I posted yesterday about the dream I had

I hope you feel better

Have a meeting with my housing support specialist today. Just to go over goals and whatnot. Have a therapy appointment tomorrow.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping, got some good stuff.

Did some cleaning today. Vacuumed, mopped, swept, cleaned/changed the llitterbox, cleaned the kitchen counters. Just need to take out the trash in a little while