Roll Call 197

I completely lost my ****, screaming at the wall and my mom says "You're being disrespectful" cuz she didn't want to talk to me for even 5 minutes about concerns with my meds, says "We'll talk about this in the morning"... And when she has work, she says "I have work in the morning" so it's like she doesn't care.

Isn't it disrespectful for her to bring her coke addict friends and other winos to a basement sweet with me, someones thats been to the ****ing psych ward multiple times - And then then gets mad at me for taking a shot of rum.

She's the "Queen of denial" she says, brings her wine to her room - Manipulates me by sulking and makes me feel bad. I can't talk to her at all. She thinks she's smarter than me but twists every word I say.

She could have just asked me whats wrong instead of making it all about herself. She's an evil neglectful, fake ***** to me at this point.

I can't stand her. I upped the olanzepine to 10mg again.

My mom has cluster B personality disorders - BPD, HPD and NPD.

It makes me really nervous that I'm leaving for Argentina in like three weeks and I am still unstable on the Latuda. I feel like my psychiatrist doesn't know what he's doing still. I know med changes are tough but making one before I make a major life change? Why did I agree to this? I just don't even remember why I agreed to this. Probably because my psychiatrist is a master manipulator. I am going to try just taking 1.5 mg clonazepam daily and see if that is better than taking 2 mg daily. Something is off here though. I don't know what to do. I am still on a little olanzapine and a little aripiprazole. Anyway. This kind of sucks.

I kind of feel like I should wait to go to Argentina and just prove to my psychiatrist he's an idiot. But that would not be terribly productive.

Nvm, I don't think my psychiatrist is an idiot. It's just hard in the mornings sometimes.

So I think I have BPD, I have had literally every symptom especially in my late teenage years. I'm not so much extremely reckless and impulsive anymore though. I stopped self harm (cutting), stopped impulsive sex, stopped purging, stopped experimenting recklessly with substances, haven't done any of that in many years. but I still have a lot of the other stuff, the more internal stuff. I used to be suicidal a lot and end up in the hospital a lot but I haven't been in the hospital since 2017. So in a lot of ways things have improved greatly over the years, however bringing up the traumas from my past in therapy finally has brought up a lot of negative emotions out the past two weeks. I haven't been doing anything reckless or impulsive anymore, even if sometimes the urges are there, I've learned to control my behavior over the years with therapy and doing a lot mindfulness/meditation/dbt/cbt self help stuff. But these past two weeks have been a literal ****ing tornado in my head and my emotions are all over

I asked my doctor about this awhile back and she said she didn't think so, however I guess the point is I have improved a lot over the years and the meds I'm on do help me. So I have no clue

Have you talked to your doctor about how you feel about the change and your upcoming move? They may be able to help you out, whether through a med adjustment, or any tips they may have

I hope you feel better and I hope your move goes well

Also med changes right before a huge change in life is probably not a great idea, are you going to be getting a different doctor once you leave? Maybe you can find someone who can be more helpful than your current doctor

Went to the store today to buy cat food and cat litter.

Spent a bit of time sitting outside in my apartment buildings courtyard too, just to get out of my own apartment for a bit. Its very cold so I didn’t stay out long. Talked to a few of my neighbors in the building.

Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping then going to CVS then after that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. Also need to do some cleaning.

Thursday evening I’m going to the movie theater with my friend to see the new Avatar movie

Then on Sunday I’m going to the same friends house and we’re going to play some trading card games and tabletop rpg board games, and play some videogames and I’m gonna buy Chinese food for us. Since we were gonna do this this past Saturday but didn’t get to because it was too cold to safely walk/be out for long periods of time. Will be a lot of fun. I’m looking forward to it. Will be a nice way to start off the New Year.

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Yeah I have a different doctor set up for when I arrive. It just makes me mad that the psychiatrist here wanted to make this change right now.

I woke up and was still mad at my mom, so we talked - She went skiing with my sister. I didn't want to go and stayed with my dad.

I was suicidal last night - My dad said that if there's any serious decision like that, to call him and he'll drop everything (Even his job, doesn't matter), and fly back.

I just wish I had that good feeling again (Like a few years after the big trip 6 years ago). My emotions are so cold. I don't feel playful/minded like I used to. It's the same as when I first started to get treatment. Fake smiles, not wanting to participate, avolition, etc.

I upped the dose of olanzepine to 10mg again. I'm still taking 25mg of lamotrigine. I'll see my psychiatrist in 2 months.

Until then, I'll try not to drink any alcohol. Every other day, I'll take a low dose of phenibut (In case socializing becomes too unbearable) and psilocybin tea.

I'd like to just take a good dose of psilocybin again but I'll wait.

And that's it.. It's not too irresponsible. I'm trying. It's really all I can manage.

I want to get into some flow state, learn psychology and neuroscience, try to understand what can help me - All of my interests are scattered and I have no idea what to do. I don't listen to podcasts anymore or read.

I'd like to just be somewhat happy and productive, not anxious about the news. I want people to stop thinking I'm sad and negative, or stupid. But I will be all of those things and have no chance in life if I keep getting beaten down every time I try. Maybe I deserve this. But I'll find out, if I become possibly pushed over the edge completely, if in the end.

I feel better after phenibut and listening to Tim Dillon (A comedian). He is the only one that brings me (And other people) sanity.

He grew up having a mother with schizophrenia - She was hospitalized all of the time and he developed a coke problem. He's been clean for 10 years though, and gets high on social media trends.

Thank you, Blue_Bird ! I hope the anxiety dries up, WA.

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Des, how do you think you'd feel if you didn't have to live with your mom? If the answer would be an improvement from the way you feel now, you really owe it to yourself to try moving out. Sending hugs, it's hard to see you suffer like this.

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I've developed a blast of interests the past few years. I completely disabled myself. Only time can heal me, as I progress.

My mom.. She supports me, although I like to take things (When I need a break). But she's a nut.

I just have to learn to live with her. I'm just afraid cuz she won't live 10+(?)years.. Neither will my dad..

I have to make hefty decisions and I overwhelm myself. Life isn't fair.. And I have to take action now.. when I didn't before, just.. lied there, listening to songs... The light was on, blazing neurosis oversensitivity.. And I drank those bottles, Concerta...

Someone said "You look good.. why are you so modest" - And the thing about relationships, sex, stimulants.. All of that. I turned asexual, cut contact with everyone. They only liked me cuz I was skinny.

And in the end, being in my apartment.. Suicidal thoughts, boss not liking me (But the owner did), I started cigarettes cuz of the stress.. I flooded my apartment and took diphenhydramine, body seizures. 6 months of that, buying 50 dollars a day worth of candy... Alcohol, everywhere.. All over the table. My mom said "This place is a mess" and I said "I know! There's mess everywhere...".

I was hospitalized soon after I broke up with the e-gf. Got out, the research chemical mania began. Where was my mom? Neglecting me. I knew nothing.. talked to no one.. Stared into void of random sociopaths talking about things.. Although one autistic/schiz guy, talking for hours, smoking DMT and trying to figure out black hole physics. A biochemist, putting 100 dollar Dilaudid pills in a grinder..

I could talk for hours about these things.. I thought I forgot them all.. What a mess. What a mess...

I’ve been slipping. Drinking more alcohol than I should. I’ve been eating okay over the holidays but I want to go back to how I was. I need to lose weight.

I’ve been self harming.

And my drinking has been noticed. I’m not allowed to drink anything for a while. I’m being watched.

Something has to give.

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Hugs @cog. It's like walking on a wire.. Don't fall. Sometimes we fall... just gotta keep walking on the wire again.

Olanzepine euphoria..

Hugs cog…

Last night I went to bed and I tried to will myself to sleep.

So I laid there in the dark. And then there was a shadowy figure in the dark I felt was coming after me so I turned on the light and decided I wasn’t going to sleep.

I listened to music until almost 1am and I started to get sleepy so I tried to sleep with the light on. Eventually I felt safe and turned the light off around 230am.

I feel a wreck this morning from lack of sleep. I slept like three hours.

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Hope you’re able to get some help from your therapist or psychiatrist and hope things improve Cogladaid

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I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later today

When I saw my therapist last week she said she’d fill in my psychiatrist on some of the stuff we talked about regarding past traumas (they work in the same office) , so I’m guessing my psychiatrist will be aware of what we talked about before our appointment today so that’s good.

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Hope your appointment went well with your psychiatrist, Blue_Bird.

Anyone know how to memorize well? Any tricks?

I gotta memorize about 15 scripture verses for Peru. I have two done. UGH. It's hard to memorize. I used to be able to do it as a child but not so good now.

Had some hallucinations this morning. They were kind of bugging me but I am learning to "live with it"

Had a pretty good Christmas. Rams won! I got the Bonsai Tree Legos for Christmas from my parents. It was my best gift.

Bonsai Tree 10281 | LEGO(R) Icons | Buy online at the Official LEGO(R) Shop US