Roll Call 197

My psychiatrist said in her opinion BPD does fit but she’s hesitant to give me the actual diagnosis because I’ve grown a lot over the years and am a lot more stable than I used to be. She said the dissociation I experience though is not related to me having that but is from experiencing the traumas at the young age I did.

Anyway, I kind of had to fill her in on some things because she didn’t get a chance to be filled in by my therapist before our appointment today. So that was hard. I almost cried on the phone with her. I’m glad it was over phone. Normally we do video calls, that would have been extremely embarrassing. She said she’s really proud of me and is glad that I am talking about these things, she said I was brave.

I did cry after/am crying now. I don’t know why, I feel like things in the past shouldn’t affect me this much.

We talked about how bringing up all this stressful stuff in therapy has affected me over the past couple weeks. She’s adding Remeron to my night meds and changing my klonopin prn to 3 times a day just to get me through this difficult period.

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Glad you had a good Christmas and glad to see you , that's an awesome Lego gift! I used to collect and build Lego for several years when I was like 18-22, they're a lot of fun

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Sorry, I meant Trazodone, not Remeron. She mentioned Remeron while we were talking but looks like she picked trazodone cause that's what she ordered to my pharmacy

The sunrise was so amazing this morning. I went out at 7am to take out my trash and it was just stunning. Bright pinks and oranges, I wish I had my phone with me and had a chance to take a picture of it. But I looked at it for awhile while I was outside. It was literally one of the most stunning sunrises I’ve seen around here , so vibrant and colorful

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Saw my doctor this morning. Told him basically that I was feeling really depressed still. He’s upping my lamotrigine and seeing if that helps. Advises me I should try to exercise for endorphins maybe make me feel better.

I see him again in two weeks. He’s concerned about my self harming. Old habits and all. I’m trying not to but I just feel dead inside. I was drinking more again to numb myself but now I can’t do that.

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HUGS cogladaid

Hope the med increase helps Cogladaid

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I’m using the new journal my sister got me for Christmas as a DBT skills diary/journal. Like recording my mood on a scale of 1- 10 everyday, with 1 being the absolute worst, 5 being okay/neutral, and 10 being the best

Also recording each dbt skill I use everyday several times a day and recording how many times I use each of them and how I feel after using them

Going to try to do this for a whole year and see how it goes

Hugs cog.

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My dad left this morning (Back to Mexico) an so did my sister (Eventually will vacation in the Philippines).

I cried for a bit..

I'm okay otherwise. Olanzepine really improves my cognition, helps with negative symptoms/anhedonia, agitation, anxiety, mental pain, etc.. It's a good med. It also gives me mental strength to learn, etc.

We all had fun... I'll drive to Colorado (And maybe to Utah) with my dad near the Spring.

I’m trying to be better. Not count calories. Don’t worry about what I’m eating. But last couple days while trying to do this I end up eating one meal a day. I just can’t bring myself to eat normally.

I chickened out and didn’t tell my doctor about any of this. I should. But I don’t want to be forced to recover.

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I am doing better today. Just reading a book called 'How to read a book'. It's pretty good. I'm actually listening to it on audio so that is kind of ironic.

My anxiety is still there but I have the feeling it's going to just be here my whole life. I just have to learn how to work with it.

Yeah I liked olanzapine when I was on it. Well, I'm still on 5 mg of it actually. But I'm supposed to stop it on Sunday night.

I haven't seen my therapist in over three weeks. I guess that's not that long, but it feels long... Especially during the holidays. I mean I find the holidays to be a very stressful time. Don't know how everyone else feels about that...

If you’re gettting at least 1200 calories don’t worry abòut it, if it’s less try to work up to telling him. Like give yourself incentives.

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What kind of anxiety is it? For me ironically my social anxiety is better when I’m around people all the time.

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Glad you’re feeling ok. Sadness is a normal emotion and it’s actually bad when you can’t feel it.

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Yeah… I’m not being healthy. Even trying. I know it’s too little. I just can’t help myself. can’t help feeling this way.

I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

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It's generalized anxiety but mostly social I think. I think my anxiety gets really bad sometimes. I think I'll probably need Klonopin for my whole life. Although it's strange, sometimes I reflect on prior times in my life when I maybe wasn't as stressed and I didn't need Klonopin at those times...

I do wish I didn't need Klonopin though...

I'm actually going to try reducing the Klonopin by 0.125 mg per day and see how that goes for a week. I'm going to stick with it.

Just got home, loved the movie. Had a nice time with my friend.

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When my parents die, I'll be so crushed more than normal. I literally can't even imagine. I love them both equally in their own unique ways.

No one in my life has ever died that I knew well. I don't really know anything about grief.

But anyways, all is ok...

Yah. It's been a bit since I saw mine. She said she wanted to catch up with me the other day but I guess she couldn't find time in her schedule. It's okay. It's just hard. I think I will probably see her on the 3rd (Telehealth).

I'd be sad to see my sister and Dad go too. Be easy on yourself. Glad the Olanzipene is good for you. It's a good drug for me too. Your trip to Colorado and maybe Utah in the spring sounds good. I'm sure you will enjoy the time with your dad. HUG Kit