Roll Call 202

Part of me is so tempted to not go to work today. It’s a 9 1/2 hour shift. That’s a long day. Especially since it’s Saturday and the day before Christmas Eve. It’s gonna be so damn busy. Also I won’t get home till after midnight and have to leave tomorrow at 6:30am for work again so no sleep between shifts. I want to enjoy the holiday weekend and not be sleep deprived but I have this stupid **** to deal with. What’s the point anyway. It’s just a temp job. It’s not gonna last anyway. I can’t do this long term anyway so what’s the point

I’m tempted to not go. I don’t want to feel like a failure for giving up but I feel like retail isn’t the place for me.

Hugs, Blue_Bird. You should go. You took the job knowing it was only temporary, and gave your word that you'd be there. If you really can't do it, ok.

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Was tempted last night to throw everything away, and tell my mom to bring me to my psychiatrists hospital.

But I said, if I can sleep tonight - I'll deal with it in the morning. I don't often feel like a failure - But in this case? I definitely would, 100%..

Like I failed my mom, family, world.. For sticking to my old ways. Like my old psych nurse said "All you have to do is stop taking things that are unprescribed. It's so simple - But you don't do it, do you?" - And he was a good person, would joke around with me.. Cuz he thought I was so smart.. And that how could I do the same stupid thing over and over and over again..

But this time it was so strategic, and years planned experimentation.. Evolved..

Cuz I imagine if I were ever in the ER again, they'd be like "Ok.. He knows what he's talking about, knows risks etc" (Like my psychiatrist, doctor, student psychiatrist, therapist...).. But as a failure, I'd be like ... So depressed, and unable to have the motivation to talk (Cuz I'd have messed up so bad) - And my with my heart OCD (Like the 20 normal EKGs), I asked the nurse, "Will these cables shock me if my heart stops?" and she said "...Yes.." and I was like "D: =[", then she was like "No jk.." and I thought, "Wow what a joke - Is it really my fault that I'm in this emergency room? Cuz I'm constantly suicidal and no one cares".

But anyways.. So it's a new day.. I'll throw some things away...

My plan is to do something good (With all the interests that I have - I think the most important is "conspiracy" and spirituality in relation to my sensitive trauma mind, pharmaceuticals/medicine... Now that the drug war is ending).

And to enjoy my life.. I am ready to die, but don't want to of course.. Not yet. I still have lots to learn and experience.

I probably should have but I already quit so it’s too late now :/

I’m just gonna keep doing the cat rescue volunteer job I have and focus on gaining volunteer experience and go back to college so I can get a better job eventually when I’m ready.

I just want to see all of the most beautiful, deepest, interesting and astonishing things in life that is all

Nevermind. I decided to stay. I go in tomorrow.

I'll stick it out till the holidays are over, if they offer me a long term position I might take it and stick around for 6 months but if not its no big deal either at least I'll have seen my commitment through regardless

After discussing it with my sister and my boyfriend and my therapist I decided to follow through with quitting the job. That type of work is so bad for my mental health. I can’t handle the level of past pace and the total disregard for employees.

So yeah. I guess retail was kind of an experiment. I feel like a failure. But it showed me that it’s not the right place for me. I gave it two shots. 3 1/2 months total.

I’m continuing my volunteer job with the cat rescue. That’s another thing. The retail job wouldn’t let me have the specific day off so I could go to my volunteer job. I am not giving up volunteering with the cats to work some retail job I hate that I dread going to and that ****s up my mental health. Sooo I’m just gonna keep going to my volunteer job and go back to college in the fall to finish my associates degree.

Happy holidays!!

Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!



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Love the sweater, I recently got a Christmas blanket hoodie and it’s so cozy and festive I’ll post a pic

This isn’t me, just a stock photo of the product but this is what I got. It was $60 but on sale for $21. It is so cozy and warm and amazing. It has hood too and Sherpa lining

My sister told me she’s getting me a Nintendo gift card for Christmas so I can buy a game I want. And my boyfriend got me a videogame, and a few other things. I don’t know what the game is yet though or the other things cause the package is a little delayed but should be here Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

We played magic the gathering today over FaceTime. And are going to watch more episodes of Naruto later over FaceTime SharePlay. Tomorrow my sister and niece are stopping by

Merry last day of the Christmas season of 2023!

Merry Christmas to all.

My friend surprised me with a visit, and he looked so good. We hugged and held each other and it was wonderful. He looks more human now, he used to look otherworldly.

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Merry Christmas! Me and my family celebrate Orthodox Christmas as well so the holiday season lasts until Jan 14!

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Merry Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas! Mustachio woke me up today by licking my nose and purring and rolling around and walking all over me as usual lol

My sister and niece are stopping by with some McDonalds later. I’ll give them their gifts and they’ll give me my gifts.

Mostly spending the day watching shows with and playing games with my boyfriend.

His Christmas gifts to me are on the way and should be here tomorrow or Wednesday depending on the post office and how busy it is. He got me a new videogame and some other stuff. Idk what any of it is but I have a hunch that the new game is the new Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom game since I already have the first one Zelda: breath of the wild.

I’m buying Disney Dreamlight Valley with the Nintendo gift card my sister got me for my Nintendo switch.

I have my volunteer shift with the cats tomorrow. Should be fun!

Some of the things I hope to do or accomplish in 2024:

-Progress a lot with violin and ukulele
-spend lots of time playing with Mustachio
-Spend time with family, friends, and boyfriend
-Keep taking violin lessons
-Keep up with volunteer job
-Better dental hygiene
-Go more places, do more things. For example go to a cafe by myself for lunch, or go to a museum. Just get out of the house more and experience life more
-Put at least $500 in savings
-Lose 20lbs
-Drink more water
-Learn how to cook more/bake more things
-Go back to college in the fall to finish my associates degree
-More reading
-less social media scrolling/random internet browsing
-Meditate every day
-Go to the local rose garden at the park when it's summer, walk around, enjoy being outside
-get more fresh air
-Walk more, use Pokemon Go to motivate myself to get out and walk
-Try to minimize the amount of items coming into my house. So try not to impulse purchase things, instead make use of everything I already have and replace what needs to be replaced only if necessary
-Keep up with cleaning apartment
-Get some maintenance work done
-Start saving towards replacing the furniture that came with my apartment with my own new stuff

Good idea to post goals!

I hate new years resolutions but I have some goals for 2024.

My goals:

Get more social (getting into a Dungeons and Dragons group coming up soon)
Go to the gym more
Lose weight
Stop drinking alcohol for good
Play more video games
Buy less stuff and pay off debt
Save money to get more piercings

I’m not going to drive myself crazy with it but I’m going to try my best.

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Awesome I hope you have fun with the DnD group! I play a lot of tabletop board games and TCG games and they’re lots of fun! I also want to play more videogames. One of my goals is to play at least 6 games to completion this year. I have a bad habit of starting games then starting others and not finishing the ones I started with, I’m all over the place with them. Right now I’m playing Life Is Strange. I plan to play all of the Life is Strange games to completion. Obviously I still am playing lots of endless games like pokemon go, Disney dreamlight valley, Stardew valley etc games like that that don’t have a clear cut ending. And then there’s games like The Witcher 3 and Skyrim and Zelda: Breath of the wild that I want to play more of too but those are each huge games and will probably take me a couple years of playing and exploring each of them.

Yay McDonald’s time! Big Mac , fries and a coke

Nevermind. McDonald’s isn’t open. Popeyes is though

Merry Christmas!

I'm doing better lol.