Roll Call 202

I had a good first day, I have my schedule for the next two weeks. I work Christmas Eve but I’m off Christmas Day

I’m getting like 25 hours to 30 a week here. I was averaging getting 12-16 a week at Burlington. So this is better

Hey everyone, I've been off the site for a while, but I'm back again (for like the fourteenth time)...

Anybody have any tips for avoiding spending money uselessly?

I’m working on this too

I removed my debit card info from any shopping sites. So I’d have to go out of my way to get up and get up and go across the room to get my wallet out and re-enter all my card info which I’m unlikely to do because I’m lazy so it creates some resistance to spending randomly if you spend a lot online. Other than that as far as spending in stores in person take the amount of cash you need out first and leave your cards at home. You’re less likely to spend too much if you have a set amount and you see the money decreasing physically

They changed my upcoming Saturday shift from a 6 hour shift to a 9 hour shift. So I’ll be working till 11:15pm that day. Not getting home till after midnight with the bus. Then. Having to head out again around 6:40am Christmas Eve. So no sleep between shifts. But I get Christmas Day off.

Mindfulness!

I have everything up to date.. I want to suppress all of my ego, and be able to let go of it all.. Whilst growing, having fun..

All things are as organized as they can be. What do I do now? Things that bring me happiness would be - Hiking/skiing/walks, travelling, music, podcasts/listening to independent journalists, studying/learning about interests, family, socializing, self-improvement, spirituality/meditation, trying to help others/the world, abstract thinking and psychonaut stuff. I should watch movies or create some forms of art, writing... I plan to make a blog.. It'll just take time..

I will soon achieve self actualization and transcendence (NO JK!! Lol.. Idk how to do that..).. I need money.. People are so upset though yknow.. If I die tomorrow, I'll be ok.. Just put the new headset on..

I ask ChatGPT a lot of questions.. Infinity is good for me..

I have a lot of YouTube channels to look at (Including a psychiatrist, "HealthyGamerGG") - So that'll take a while. It's all set up. To eventually dive into all the things I've procrastinated.

Part of me doesn’t want to do this job. It’s so freaking stressful and overwhelming. The amount of customers is insane. And the back to back shifts coming up, on no sleep. Is gonna be a nightmare. I could be enjoying my holidays and relaxing. Like why am I doing this to myself , again

I don't want to communicate with anyone anymore. I will stay in solitude for a long time. And possibly smoke spirit molecules.

It’s good to pad your resume a bit. But if you find you can’t do it, there’s no shame.

The only thing I could suggest is to brush up on some computer skills and then apply for some office positions though a temp agency.

I was stuck with retail for six years for my first job. I moved to the city and had trouble finding anything until I was contacted by a temp agency and that got me to an office job. Hired full time, then let go (dissolved our department), and that helped me get my current job at a Canada wide insurance company (I got promoted twice in six years).

Just an idea if you want to try to get out of retail. Definitively brush up on computer skills, pad your resume with skills and be sure to include even ongoing schooling (even if you haven’t graduated yet). It’ll help you get past some automatic screening.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah I’m probably gonna stick it out through the holidays, it’s only a temp position so if they don’t want to keep me after that I’ll be fine with that but if they do I will try to stay for a year and then put in my two week notice and leave before next years holidays so I don’t have to deal with another retail holiday season. Either way is fine with me. If they don’t keep me it’s no big deal because it was a temp position anyway so it’s not like being fired, I can still add it to my resume as a successful temporary seasonal job. but if they do keep me I’m fine with that too. I have to be nice to myself because I’ve only been in retail for a little over 3 months now. I’m still learning. It’s definitely not something I’m gonna stay with forever though. I will try to learn more computer skills so I can get some kind of office job eventually though.

It’s kind of crazy though learning a new register system in the midst of the week before Christmas. Like what a bad time to switch jobs. Cause even though they’re the same in a lot of ways the systems and procedures and stuff are still different if that makes sense.

Regardless if I stay here a year or just seasonal it’s a few extra big paychecks at the very least. I’m not thrilled about working 29 hours this week and on Christmas Eve and back to back shifts on no sleep but if I can make it through the next two weeks without walking out it will be fine. I just need to not act on my impulse of quitting lol just gotta get through the next two weeks.

I have to go to work soon. I work from 5:30pm till 11:15pm so I’ll probably be getting home around 12:30am to 1am.

I got the district manager as a customer today. I didn’t know who she was but she showed me her employee id discount card so I was like oh you’re an employee and she’s like yes I’m the district manager lol I did not expect to get the district manager of the stores as my customer on my third day.

Eating shrimp flavoured chips

Got home around half past midnight. Just drinking coffee now and trying to relax and unwind. My feet hurt. I have Friday off though so yay no work tomorrow. I can do whatever I want.

I don’t know why people linger in the store till 2 minutes till closing then come up with a cart full with stuff. Like it’s not just one person either. There were multiple people that did it tonight. Just linger in the store till the last second then come up all at once and I’m the only cashier up there then I get stuck checking them out past closing time. Then someone decides they want to leave an entire cart full of stuff at the register. Also someone walked out today (stole) an entire cart filled with stuff. He ran through the doors with a full cart. That’s really bold. Like not even an item in the pocket or something an entire freaking cart full of stuff lol.

Anyway, it was busy almost non stop tonight. Like a line snaking all throughout the store. But it went mostly well. It’s still as tiring and exhausting as my last job but it doesn’t feel like a toxic environment like my last job was. Idk how long it will last , it’s just a temp job. So who knows if they’ll keep me. But we’ll see

I tried biscuits and gravy chips one time. They were like a special flavor lays came out with. Biscuits and gravy is a popular southern breakfast, it’s really good. I never had it till I lived in Kentucky in my teenage years. I can’t remember how the chips were though.

I can’t believe I’ve worked 4 days in a row. Does it make any sense that it’s the same exact job and same stress but it’s a less toxic atmosphere than the last one. Better coworkers. Managers less micromanaging jerks. It just feels more bearable. I don’t like it by any means, I don’t enjoy retail. But I don’t hate this one to the point of feeling sick thinking about going like I did my last one. I don’t care whether it lasts a long time or not. It really doesn’t matter to me. One way or another it’s fine.

Also Monday through this coming Sunday I’ll have worked 35 hours total. That’s the most I’ve ever worked in one week in the time I’ve been working. I’m proud of myself.

Also I get my first paycheck next Friday and it’s gonna be really good and I plan on using some of it to treat myself that day to Wendy’s before work and McDonald’s after work. Because why not. I rarely treat myself to take out. I’ve been craving some burgers or something and haven’t had money to get any but I get my paycheck next Friday. They give weekly paychecks but the first paycheck when you start is delayed till the following Friday after the week you start. I started this Monday. So my first paycheck comes next Friday. Then it’s every Friday after that.

So yeah yay takeout! Andddd I’m buying a small printer so I can print sheet music for my violin lessons. I need a printer anyway and don’t have one. It will be helpful for college when I go back too.

And! Taxes. I get my tax return probably in February.

In other news though I still miss Maybelle a lot. She sits in her little urn on my shelf in the front of my living room. I miss my girl. She was such a good kitty.

Meant to hug not thank.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

The only thing I can think about is food. I might order in tomorrow. I'll see. I'm obsessed. I can't stop thinking about pizza and burgers. Pizza, burgers, and fries, oh my!

I hate my bad memories and they stomp through my head. I wish I could lock them away or something. The tinnitus is flaring up lately. I really miss my old friends. I got a wonderful email from my oldest living friend today. It was so beautiful, really blessed.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

I wish I could get a facelift and a new kitten like Martha Stewart. I think she's 80 but she looks great.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

I can't prioritize my thoughts, keep obsessing about my identity and afraid of coworker

I took benzos too often

Diazepam has a 2-4x longer half life than clonazepam. I should have stuck to clonazepam like the psychiatrist wanted initially. For some reason, I thought the half lives didn't matter much.

There's too much though.. Of thoughts.. I wish this didn't happen. I'll try and meditate. Music sounded great, and I was fine.. Then I bought new earbuds, I thought about money.. Then thought about work.. And my coworkers..

I want to be alone. I am reserved.. I don't want anyone to interact with me. They just cause me problems.

I don't have a problem with anyone though. Why do people have problems with me. What am I doing wrong.. Feeling too much pain is the only thing + avoidance and being isolated for so long.

Why do people pretend like reality is even real if I know it isn't? If I tell them, they're like "What? Are you ok?" and I think .. What? Are we just supposed to be actors? Or do you not know you're even acting? Are you being yourself? No one has to be themselves anyways.. What guideline says that that has to be a rule.. I am being myself always.. I don't lie, I hide away.. Go away.

And then the spiritual aspects come in.. Things I don't understand.. Things most people don't understand.. There's a soul and shadow, they rotate throughout life.. People make mistakes, change.. It's just a laser show.

And narcissists expect every broken and unfinished pattern to understand itself completely, everyone does... To get what they want.. So dominance and power..

To awaken is seeing the power... To use for good or evil. If you can share it with others and help them..

Selfish and selflessness.. This world is selfish.. But most people are good.. And many of the selfish are broken AF themselves. People just want to survive now - And want to take all that they can get, out of hopelessness, fear, despair "It's all going to end anyways"... That's what I did.. But I was just 16 or so...

Everyone is at no fault, so comes Jesus etc.. Ourselves, and outsider saviours/prophets.. What can't be controlled, can turn in anyone's or all of our favours.. Groups of people.. But we have to use our free will, and take ownership of soul..

Anyways, don't pay attention to me. The universe loves us.

I could have done something for my family if I had one. I do now.. Which makes me feel loved, again - After all of this.. But I have deep wounds that people don't even care to understand without some horrible price of manipulation. It's because everyone is broken. I haven't seen anyone that isn't unless they feel no emotion or empathy.

The Ayahuasca will heal everyone... And then the UFOs will land, simultaneously a spark catches fire in the console and every part of me throughout my life gets ZAPPED equally, in some new special line.. That flashes before my eyes, when I die/am born again..

Any advice is welcome - But none is really needed.. Just don't freak out about my venting.. I'll sit quietly and listen to anyone here with respect and humility etc.. Idk what I'm doing exactly.. But I'm ok..