Roll Call 202

Watching a cute hallmark movie called The Santa Summit

I’m probably gonna see my sister briefly on Christmas but that’s it, otherwise it’s just gonna be me and my cat.

Is there anything you can do to make the holidays special just for you? Maybe make a cup of hot chocolate and enjoy a Christmas movie or treat yourself to something nice. I’ve spent a lot of holidays alone. It’s hard but it helps when you can make it special even if it’s just you by your self.

I have a Walmart grocery delivery coming today. I may have bought a chocolate silk pie and a pecan pie, and some other food things. But yeah, I was worrying about eating healthy but I’m gonna give myself a break for the holidays, and I’ve been craving holiday type food.

I know some people volunteer that day like at a food kitchen but I’m not sure I’ve ever been alone on Xmas.

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Honestly once your relationship with food changes all food is OK in moderation.

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I forgot to take my night meds last night. So I’ve been up since yesterday at 5am, it’s going on 11am today now. I rarely am able to take naps during the day even if I’ve been up the whole night, my body just doesn’t sleep during the day. So I just have to wait it out and go to sleep tonight

I had packages come today. Some coming tomorrow, some coming Friday, then two coming whenever they happen to show up via usps. I still have a couple more things to order on Friday. Just not in the mood to go out into stores shopping so Amazon works fine for Christmas shopping. I am also buying my household essentials online this month. And I did some of my grocery shopping through Walmart grocery delivery today. I usually don’t do that but the weather is really crappy, I’m exhausted. It’s just easier. After Friday I won’t have to buy anything for the rest of December, except actual food groceries later in the month again. Mustachio has plenty of cat litter and food. I have all the household essentials I need. I’m just kind of hibernating. Not in like a depressed way. I just need to recover from the stress of that job.

It looks very cute!

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I miss Maybelle so much

I'm not technically alone here (in a nursing home) but for the most part I'm alone on the holidays. It's not bad if you can do things you enjoy.

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I would like to go in search of my storage space, to find things I miss. I hate being separated from my favorite things.

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No one is allowed to be flouridly mentally ill just cuz I’m gone!! Gather yourselves.. Daddy will be home soon, and bring back spoiled milk!..

No jk.. I’m having a good time.. I’m sorry for all of those who are alone, I spend time with family - I’m very grateful..

Spent time at the beach, the rainforest, had drinks, fancy places, food, gift shops, live like millionaire for few weeks, drives through the mountains, the ocean, cities..

Oh god.. What do I do, about this life.

I've seen many things.. The excitement and newness is gone. I am wiser.. I could look up how to do anything, live anything - What destination..

And where I came from, was clawing out of the dirt, rebirthing of my soul. What now.. Who am I now.. Who was I then.. Distortions, unconsciousness, the flashlight sees here right now. And I don't feel the energies that I should..

There's more. I took unknown chemicals, they opened a universe.. Enjoy. But wonder.. What have I done, and that I'm okay, was always like this.. Speculator, observer, giggly, funny.. People grew older, the leaves fall - The small pools of rain water reflect the portals, reaching into the ground, the portals are the gamma ray bursts from the north and south poles of condensed, heated, matter.. - As I walked through that park one day on MDMA, depressed. Who was looking at me, what happened to them.. What happened to anything. Am I free.. Am I breathing right now.. step onto the stones with me, and feel their warmth... They are old, ancient in fact.. To build some shamanic, geometric symbol of where?

Heaven, death, memories, history.. As I said, always, like this. Was. And there's no spark. I would shoot myself, and I'd breathe life into anyone that wants to shoot themselves, because of the ones that need to... Go somewhere else. Where?

The inter galactic city that I visited in my dreams.. Mirrors on buildings, on one big building, with streets.. Teleportation, planets of all colours in the sky. Unearthly trees and huts where weird entities live - Do they love? I know they feel ecstasy. Everyone does weird things, lives weird lives. Reality is weird. But so normal - To go anywhere within the now.. The roses fall on the grave, the mushrooms synchronize ions underneath the stars, reflecting consciousness, like the blue fresh water wells on tropical islands.

I lied down, no where.. On the grass, northern lights - We see from satellites orbiting the Earth, the lightning, the highways and city lights, walking or driving through.. In beads, listening to the radio - We're all a radio.. Listening to frequencies - Good and bad.. Or just static, like this post. I want to listen to the people that listen to me... Tapping our phone calls, collecting our data.. What for - Pay no mind.. Deny, don't prep for the collapse of civilization, for there is always a civilization in your perception.

I can be an angel.. Healing, was attractive, having fun.. That's what happened. Who cares, it all happened to everyone. It's the trip. Money is value, like an experience is.. Sitting in the gutter, watching sewer drain rats scour around you, or having sex in a Paris hotel, with expensive wine, cocaine, and chocolate. Take a hit.. I want to just be psychedelic crack, but I choose to be slow released.. I am the one the breathe out, like a family cat that sleeps to absorb the negativity of everyone in the house, and dream what ever it is that our DNA correlates to - Animal kingdom.. Souls, everywhere. Entities, everywhere - Like when you see faces in the clouds, or on the fronts of cars, on funny looking houses..

Pattern me to a place with love.. What am I doing by writing this? Disconnecting the connection of reality, who will read, I never cared.. I was lonely, and wrote scribbles of imagination - Copying music artists in my own way, rotating, lifeless.. If I'm to be honest now.. What is suicide.. And therapy, when I've been distorted yet comprehended by no one, and absorbed not much.. Connect the dots, Look at the globe is my go to - Flashing, every time different.. Changing, spontaneous simulation, who cares.. The spies are like insects, intelligent ones - Are just in frequencies, tuned to the right station. That man, sitting with his TV in America, to India, spreading all around this globe.. Where is my neuroplasticity going to be.. Put my hand in the fire, is what I choose.. My mind doesn't matter, not over matter.. Just stupid, cuz I'm tired, I was.. Feeling everything unbearable, being on a reality TV show, visiting alien planets on video games, feeling the heat from the radiator, as it rains outside.. Looking at the weather temperatures, technology, like a nut now..

Why is it not to be the way I'd like, but cognitive impairment for ever and ever - Unless I try, but still broke from reality, as we all did, when we woke up, were birthed, and died.. We're dead now - And we're living.. The air is magic, and cold.. Wanting to go up or down, not knowing where to be.. Everyone will be mixed up, and the radio will go out of tune.. Do I want it in tune? Do I really want anything, when I've had thoughts that people spent their whole life gravitating towards, making wealth, investing in themselves, community, actualization.. What is mine.. Straw barrels waiting to be carried away, with exhaust fumes dissipating into the orange sky, lake boats - All engines.. Machines.. Burn why don't you..

I get my final paycheck tomorrow morning. Spending part of it on Christmas gifts. Part of it on essentials. And part of it for winter stuff for myself. A baclava, a scarf, and winter gloves. I realized today while out walking to CVS in 28 degrees weather it’s too cold to be walking around with most of my face exposed. And it’s only gonna get colder as winter goes on and when it gets into the negatives it gets dangerous to have skin exposed for long periods. Especially if I’ll be waiting for the bus for 30 minutes on my way home from kitten angels or grocery shopping for example. So I’m gonna make sure I’m bundled up cause I don’t want frost bite.

Yay for bath and body works aromatherapy body lotion. It’s the best. My favorite is their eucalyptus spearmint scented one. But they have others too like orange ginger and also lavender.

I love aromatherapy. Lotions, body sprays, perfumes, wax melts, etc anything that smells amazing really puts me in a good mood

I broke up with my boyfriend today. I get that he lost his job a few weeks ago but we’ve barely spoken or done anything, and he is sleeping insanely late and sometimes it felt like he’s been ghosting me.

I messaged him this morning saying good morning and haven’t heard anything , and it’s going on 4pm,, this has been going on a week. I might get a message like later in the evenings but that’s about it now. So I’m just done

We ended up working it out. He was just trying to give me space due to Maybelle dying

I think focusing on my heart so intensely has been like a form of meditation or definitely mindfulness. I did it during the whole duration of the bad trip even, that's when it started.

"On a highway with no name we're all high on Mary Jane
And I bummed one cigarette but now I'm smokin' like a train
Got a man from Oklahoma and I told him that I love him
But I was born for leavin' I'll be gone in the morning.."

I have an interview at Marshall’s tomorrow morning

Crazy how much of a difference experience makes in getting a response from employers. I applied to Marshalls like a year or so ago when I had no prior experience and never heard anything back. I applied last night and put my 3 months cashier and sales floor experience with the other place in the same plaza as them and I get a call immediately this morning.

The job is temporary, so I guess they’re hiring for the holidays or something, so Idk how long it will last if I get it.

I’m hoping the temporary part time job might lead to a long term part time job with them. Idk if that is a thing that happens
. But would be cool. Either way it’s more experience.

Well tomorrow morning I have my interview. I’ll post how it goes afterward , wish me luck