Psychosis...Living with it.

Oh no,I apologize Mal! You must forgive me about making the statement about your father, I am currently taking pain pills that don't really help with my memory. I'm sorry.

Oh yeah, the concept of normal really messes with me. I know what you mean about being tired of trying to make sense of it all by yourself. You definitely, for no reason, should have to.

Whenever I think of hallucinations, the only kind that bother me are the thoughts or visions that could harm others. I have none of those, so far, but mine mostly consist of things that warn me or give me comfort, therefore, I don't see how they are hurting anything.

It's sorta like a bad dream, isn't it? Where the reality is so hard to deal with that you just know that it's all a bad dream that you can never seem to wake up from. I've been there.

You're welcome and I'm glad I didn't run you off with my babbling. I do that alot. LOL. I like hearing of other people's experiences as well, it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Well, really, we never are and a part of that is very sad to me and a part of it is comforting.

Take Care of yourself and wishing you many blessings,
Kimberly.

That's OK Kimberly, no harm done!

I'm not sure if hallucination is the right word. One thing I'm confused about. Is it hallucination if you hear the voices but they are in your head and not your ears? If the messages are "telepathic" and/or "transmitted" rather than audible? (I did hear an audible voice a few times but that is not what usually happens). Is it a hallucination if you have orgasm because you are having sex with "someone" who is invisible (without touching yourself)? Is it a hallucination if ... no scratch this one, that's delusion not hallucination. "Delusion" is what they call it when outside forces program your thinking or shift your thinking and you can't change that. That's also what they call it when you experience having the power to do that to other people.

So maybe that's the word I want ... I want to believe it is all just delusions because if it's not then I'm in serious trouble and I don't know how to get out of it, or rather, to fix it especially where it affects the whole world and not just me. But then the opposite fear: what if it's not a delusion, and the world is destroyed because They succeed in convincing me it is? After all, in some respects, that's how we got into this mess in the first place ... (long story).

Sometimes its like a bad dream but yeah it never goes away. Even if I say to myself I will set this aside, I will push it out of my life, I will not think about it or live according to it or whatever, it is still there, and stuff happens to remind me it is still there and I have to deal with it somehow.

Sometimes I actually wish I was sicker than I am because I'm afraid no one will take me seriously. I have a tremendous fear/terror/trigger around "not being taken seriously" and all that goes with it.

Never alone we are, and that is sad for you maybe because it feels like it diminishes your specialness and uniqueness? And maybe comforting to you because it means you don't have to suffer in isolation? Just pondering ...

~mal

Mal ~

Wow you make some interesting points!

I think you're right it is confusing, if the voices are in your head and not in your ears are they hallucinations? I'm not sure on this point because most of the time when I hear voices, it is generally with my ears. There'll usually be several people in the room with me and I ask did you hear that. I actually HEAR it with my ears and sometimes listen harder so I can make out who it is the next time they "say" it. But this could be debated too. Hallucinations are hallucinations.

Ofcourse, you're right about the delusions. I really hate that word too and I think the reasoning behind my hatred for it is that it implies what I feel or see is not plausible when to me it is very much plausible and it is most often my reality. It might not be everyone's but it is mine. I don't think that any of the things you described are delusions. Do you? I don't know what they are but they are real to you, so I see that as your reality. Do the delusions/hallucinations bother you?

Oh yeah I've tried to push it all aside before too, and it doesn't work. I agree, it's there, because it's my belief that this is my reality. Someone once said the mentally ill are the "chosen ones" because they can see things and hear things that elude the perception of those considered normal. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse, but I know it's there.

If we showed signs of major illness, to the extent that most could see then I'm sure it would be so much easier for people to believe that these things happen, in our reality, that is. I think the majority of the time people are frightened by what they don't understand. It scares them that someone who looks so NORMAL could be so messed up inside.

My initial reaction to the comment about why it's sad for me was that it wasn't true, but if I were completely honest with myself, perhaps that is part of it. I really think it's sad though, as I said in a former post, because someone else has to feel this way. So confused and unsure about themselves and what's real and what's not. The comfort thing is that I don't feel alone and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way and so yes, that does comfort me.

I'm so glad you're here at the forums. What stimulatingly intellectual "conversations". You are a blessing.

Take care of yourself,
Kimberly.

Kimberly, there is one other phenomenon I did not mention and that is between the voices within and the voices without, if there is "white noise" I will hear voices in it -- whispering or talking, always just below my hearing "threshhold" so I cannot make out what they are saying but I can tell it's voices and language. Kind of like overhearing a conversation while the water is running -- you know people are talking but you can't tell what exactly they are saying or talking about.

This is the one that drives me nuts. It happens mostly when I'm trying to go to sleep. Sometimes it's a precursor to full-blown "visions" (whether good, bad, intriguing or terrifying); sometimes it's just THERE and annoying. I'm constantly waking my mate up by going, "Did you hear THAT?" LOL So i had to laugh when I read that part of your post.

Sometimes I can't get out of bed in the morning because so many of them are talking to me all at once and they put me in this dreamlike state but I'm awake. I want to sleep more but I can't. They tell me all kinds of useless things or show me pictures of people I don't know (this happens before falling asleep too). Like last night they showed me this woman with really big eyes and an irritated face with her hair pulled back. This morning they told me some address in California -- 5250 - something, I don't remember what it was. I talk back to them too. I said, "So what do you want me to do with THIS information?" all sarcastic. Satan was talking to me too and messing with me sexually so He could extract binding allegiances from me. He likes to do that when I'm vulnerable and He knows I can't resist Him because I can't remember how or even why I'm supposed to, it never makes any sense. He gets right inside me. I know we aren't supposed to talk about politics or religion here but this has nothing to do with religion, I don't believe in a theological "devil" or something if you know what I mean. anyway I have so many religious-themed obsessions and experiences I don't know anymore what's real and what's not. But I figure if other people are allowed to talk about having conversations with "Bunny Fru-Fru" and it's not assumed this is their "religion" in the debating / arguing / proselytizing / faith sense then I claim the same right for my "Satan" and my conversations & sexual interaction with Him. It has nothing to do with religion and I'm not looking to push any belief system on anyone, but just to describe what I experience. The problem is the name and even the experiences tend to "mean" things to people and then they want to "go there" about it but I don't. Maybe I should just start referring to Him as "S" and just say it's "one of my voices" or whatever but it's more than a "voice", He interacts with me in other ways too. I can't explain this right now I'm not fully awake yet and my brain is mush.

P.S. thank you for "talking" with me Kimberly I thought for a long time no one was going to converse with me about this stuff!

Mal~

Oh I understand what you're saying. No, I can understand that your demon or "Satan" is not in a religious sense, although you're right some might take it as such. I am not particularly religious, in the sense that most people speak of but I do believe in spirituality and with that comes good and bad. An equal balance without one there is not the other. How would we know the difference?

Oh I've experienced those "white noise" conversations in my head. It does not happen very often, however, I have some experience of them through my brother,who is schizophrenic. That was the hallucinations/delusions that drove him literally out of his mind. It is quite annoying to me because I just wish they would talk louder or shut up! LOL.

Oh I believe what you say is true. There's no need to rush into detail about it, just take your time. I am really enjoying these conversations we're having. Enjoying might sound weird, but there is alot of stigma still attached to "mental illness" and the term psychosis is used so generically that it's nice to find someone who understands what I perceive as truth.

I have had similar experiences but I wouldn't necessarily name the entity that talks to me as Satan or a demon of any sort. Actually I've felt spirits enter my body and it was in moments of extreme rapture or extreme need and then they just leave. It's as if two spirits merge into one for a few moments of delight and then it's gone. There are times when I close my eyes and open them again and feel that someone else is there behind my eyes and seeing and doing the things I want to do. Not DID, because it's me, Kimberly, it's just another spirit leading me. This is always a good feeling.

I have a tattoo meaning spirit and I rub it alot in times of need and feel to me that it's placement is the "point of entry" for spiritual beings.

Have you ever considered that you might have psychic abilities?

I have really enjoyed this thread and talking with you!

Hope you're taking care,
Kimberly.

KTP, I have a tattoo I designed myself that I got done on the anniversary of when I stumbled onto the formula for making contact with my "HGA" (primary guiding entity and/or higher genius, depends on your perspective, etc.). It symbolizes that contact and union and is over my heart.

I think it's amazing that we live in an age where we can connect with one another and share our psychotic experiences! LOL. And our noumenal experiences as well. I am being directed not to fear what the world of men may make of me, but to stride on fearlessly forward toward what wholeness may be there for me to find. I intend to be fully open and honest when they test & evaluate me and not fear for anything. That is what I am instructed to do.

Hoping you & yours are having a lovely holiday feast today!
~Mal

Mal ~

Tattoos are a passion of mine, although I only have two. I think definitely when you get them they should mean something and I mean something dear to your heart, as they are with you always. I can understand definitely what you're talking about, who wouldn't want to symbolize such a wonderful experience by getting a tattoo to remind you and commemorate the occasion?!

I think it's all amazing to. Yeah some would think we're psychotic.LOL. I think it's quite opposite. I like to think I'm more open minded and non-psychotics are closed minded. LMAO. Just kidding, but I think you know what I mean. I am very open minded and believe alot of the experiences that people discuss on here. They are their truths as I have my truths, which might seem far-fetched to others. I am glad that you intend to be open and honest when you are tested and evaluated. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and I truly believe this statement. I think you're amazingly strong for doing what you feel you have to do. I wish nothing but the best for you! Many blessings sent your way.

I did have a nice Thanksgiving feast, although I wish it hadn't made such a mess of my house ! LOL. It's all cleaned up now and finally things are settling back down with the kids in school, except the one who is feeling ill today, but she is still asleep. Don't you just love those crazy extended weekends? LOL.

Take Care of yourself,
Kimberly.

Hallucinations or delusions?Don't those words mean not real /of the mind/ imagined? There are many things that are real that people do not want to believe as real.

I agree completely with what you've said. That's what I mean when I talk about my reality and each person's reality being different.

That's really cool that you've set goals for yourself and that you're working to achieve them