[iamtwilight]

since my post where i said my psychotic stuff was coming back.... it has come back. i hear voices and i see all these weird things again. and i wonder "what is wrong with me?" and i'm not exactly sure how much longer i can take, i mean hide this.

i have an appointment with the psych nurse on tuesday, i don't know if i can hide this, i'm afraid of everything..

sometimes i think i want to go back to the psych ward to just sleep and write. i can't stand being with myself, i'm anxious 95% of the time. i feel like i have died and now my shell just functions. (but hospital costs and they have to find out what is wrong with me and i don't want to know) - maybe i just won't go... but..

i'm going to have to go see my boyfriend's dad next week. see his stepsiblings and stepmom too and his friends and go to a rave. an awful lot of social activity. so i need to go the psych nurse so i can see a psychiatrist and get some tranquilizers.

tho i donno if i want to be all doped up when i meet his dad for the 1st time (his parents are divorced, he rarely sees his dad) so this is very important. i'm not sure if i'm in a bad enough condition to refuse to go because i have social anxiety and i might be exaggerating.

all i want is to sleep and while i have to be awake i want to write and paint. maybe i don't want to paint because i seem to paint very scary things. and i can't really control myself. and i feel like everywhere everything is pushgin me to the border, to the border where i have to choose whether i want to live or die and i'm not sure what i would choose...

also i can't listen to music (i feel like they are "planting" feelings in me, pushing me back to loving my ex-bf and can't because we both are in relationships) or watch tv or listen to the radio. i have no idea where everything is, i'm a mess in my opinion but i don't know if i'm exaggerating.

crap, i think it took me almost two hours to write this =(

if anyone has any suggestions they're ok.. even if it's "go and down x bottles of benzos" thats ok, i won't promise i will act on that tho but its ok.

i need to have this fixed before september.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Prayers and hugs-Angel

[iamtwilight]

(((angel))) thank you

[Lenny]

Good Morning Katie...

In this world of ours we are always faced with choices,,I mean have you been down the breakfast cereal isle lately?

But outside of the colorful boxes of new and improved,,our personal lives are challenged with infinite options...and generally if we boil down our choices with "things" it becomes a decision to take the easier way or the hard way....

The easier way is attractive in many ways,,,it often seems to save time and of course pain,,,but in reality,,seldom does.

The hard way,,likewise,,looks as if it will be drudgery and forever,,but that too is often a result of projection and some impatience.

I have read most of your posts Katie and I find you to be one of the rare seekers. You suffer from some rather distressful emotional conditions at your own admitting and yet are constantly challenging them and yourself,,, to find solutions. That is a commendable trait. It will serve you well.

What you suffer with is not something you can fix by September. You know that. But it can be fixed and I think you know that too or you wouldn't be searching. Some of your symptoms can be mitigated for sure and you certainly can be offered scripts to get you through the day in some fashion,,but the disorder has to be faced with a willingness that defines you.

A long term plan of action, including therapy (DBT), socialization, risk, and physical activity. If you keep doing what your doing,,you'll keep getting what your getting. Your not a whiner or complainer but your obviously not happy with what you have been getting.

So Katie,,,decide. Thats really all you need to do. But this decision is a big one. It means everything else is secondary to this mission. I mean everything. But not forever. Only until the pain is understood and the fear quieted.

Everything is truly up to you. That is the wonderfull thing about it,,we get to choose.

This week I bought Fruit Loops.

With care,

Lenny

[iamtwilight]

lenny... thank you. i read your posts too, you have a way of putting things so that i really get moved. i know that because i am now.

i may know what is best for me, i may know what i want, but the line has begun to blur. my family, my boyfriend, everybody is already expecting me to be ready for school by september. i've "setbacked" enough already, i can't afford to go to treatment that doesn't help me anyway anymore.

i desperately want to go to psychotherapy, and i keep bugging my psych nurse about it, and she keeps telling me its not for me, i'm too psychotic, iit might not suit me at all. but i'll keep bugging anyway, maybe if i bug long enough she'll let me see my pdoc and as kher.

i don't know. maybe i want to please others. maybe i want to please myself. i just don't know whether it is right or wrong.

[pachyderm]

Here are a few words from the workbook by Elizabeth Vermilyea titled "Growing Beyond Survival" in a section on Dissociative Adaptations, Process (Mental) Stress Responses

Passive influence -- feeling controlled from within, watching yourself do things you don't want to do

Hallucinations -- hearing voices in or outside of your head; seeing images in or outside of your head that are related to the voices or trauma

Referring to yourself as "we" -- feeling like there are others inside your head

Switching -- moving into another personality or identity state; going away and letting "someone else" inside take over


In other words, these are adaptations to trauma -- and (some) people know about them and how to treat them.

[iamtwilight]

thanks (((pachyderm))) - i know some things are related to trauma and i need to work on that. but some things aren't. i'm also rather worried that lately my other parts have been silent.

well anyways, i went to see the psych nurse and agreed to go to hospital to fix my meds and get my sleep patterns right, nothing else. maybe i can ask for a refferral for psychotherapy there.

argh i can't write much, my concentration is really bad today.

edit: oh yeah she mentioned the hospital before i told her i had taken an od of seroquel... so i could "sleep for a long time" - it was seriously not a suicide attempt... i simply wanted to sleep for a very long time... stupid me...

oh well at least now i'm a "grand member".

[pachyderm]

[iamtwilight]

i know it's time to be strong now when all hope is gone..

[pachyderm]

There are different kinds of strong. One is to be "tough" and pretend that you can handle it. Another kind is to be persistent and survive and gain a victory in the long run.

[iamtwilight]

i'm not sure what kind of strong i am right now. if any. i feel i've screwed everything up. the future looks kinda gloomy. i really have screwed things up. oh god... i have about 30 minutes, then i have to go to the loony ward.

i got the impression that this is going to be a long stay.

[pachyderm]

for you, Katie.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

(((((Katie)))))

I agree with Lenny.

Best wishes,
Angel

[iamtwilight]

thank you (((all))). i feel this is the only place where people truly care.

my medication is now the following:
lithium 600 mg
seroquel 300 mg (will be upped to 400 mg - i will sleep gloriously)

if the seroquel doesn't start working it will be switched either to zyprexa or abilify. i don't want to take zyprexa....

ahh... the internet access is 15 minutes only... i'll go fetch some books.

only 8 days until i can go on vacation =)

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Katie,
I hope you're feeling better and that you have lots of good books to read.

[iamtwilight]

what the heck?! i'm taking risperdal again!

oh well.... it ain't working.

and i got a clue that if risperdal won't work, i will have to take zyprexa.

and i don't want to take that med because of the side effects.

bureaucrats.

thank you for the well wishes s_e, i do have many good books to read =)

[iamtwilight]

ironic, but i kinda knew it. (at least i got rid of the depression... but is it just because the hospital seems a safe place?)
this visit was not useful.
i will keep taking risperdal so they let me out, and then stop using it.
if only i had known about their med politics before i admitted myself.
now i need a lot of coffee to be functional. the drowsiness isn't too bad, but it's very uncomfortable anyway.
i, however, learned that i have to love myself to get better, i did not know that before. because as long as you do things for others without having the love for yourself, you kill _you_ more and more each minute.
i'm only starting my recovery, but reaching a few good milestones.

[pachyderm]

> i will keep taking risperdal so they let me out, and then stop using it.

If you do this you might try tapering down gradually, rather than stopping abruptly. It might be safer and you are still in control.

[iamtwilight]

ah yes, pachyderm, of course i'll do that. i just read an article about risperidone and it said the dose should be upped very carefully, (instead of putting me straight to 3 mg like they did) and tapered down in a similar manner.

i won't do the mistakes they did.

thank you for your concern though, pachyderm.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
I hope you're out soon Katie, and I like pachyderm's suggestion too -- tapering seems to be the most successful method of withdrawal.

i, however, learned that i have to love myself to get better, i did not know that before.

I don't know of anyone who has come through this without learning that lesson. In spite of whatever difficulties came with your hospitalization, it sounds as if you put the time to good use.

I recall you saying in an earlier post that your psych nurse wasn't willing to refer you for psychotherapy. Will that change at any time soon? If not, is it possible for you to initiate that on your own?

[iamtwilight]

it sounds as if you put the time to good use

maybe :-)

about psychotherapy... i need a psychiatrist's "approval" in order to be able to receive the money for psychotherapy (in finland the social security stuff covers about half of the cost of psychotherapy). i have a good excuse to see my psychiatrist, since i need more time for my sick leave, and she is the one who handles that stuff. if she doesn't approve.. well... i don't know.

i'm moving out so i need to switch the whole psych system. not that the system changes much, but i will get an another psych nurse and i hope s/he is better than my current one.

thanks for thinking of me s_e.

[iamtwilight]

and yes i did graduate from looniversity =)

you appreciate freedom a lot more after times like these.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
Katie_Kaboom: and yes i did graduate from looniversity =)

I was talking to someone recently who referred to the trauma of his early childhood as an "abusement park". His term, like yours, made me smile a bit even though the subject matter is actually very dark. I think it's good though, if we can find something to laugh about when confronted with difficult situations. Among other things, laughing produces endorphins in the brain which, in turn, help us to feel a bit better.

I'm relieved to hear that you graduated from looniversity -- you're probably well on your way to a master's degree by now! As for psychotherapy...

i need a psychiatrist's "approval" in order to be able to receive the money for psychotherapy

The trouble is, psychotherapy is expensive and many people can't afford to pay for it out of their own pocket. I certainly couldn't which is part of the reason books became so critical to me -- maybe I couldn't afford to see a professional but I could certainly afford to read one!

I hope your psychiatrist approves the psychotherapy and if he/she does, it proves to be a good match. Failing that, there are always self-help resources.

Continued best wishes to you Katie.