Mom is threatening to cut herself if I cut myself

FireBird · Jan 25, 2009, 02:40 PM

I can't live like that. I don't want her to hurt herself. I hope she was joking just so I don't cut. I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt that would do to me. That would possibly make me suicidal and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DIE! I have a bright future ahead of me, especially after this stupid recession. I have a business career with my art, and a speaking career to promote disability awareness for autism and mental health conditions including schizophrenia. I have a mission in the world. I know you guys have told me over and over again that there's no bomb, but I actually feel the shape and everything in my neck. At times the crawling from the nanobots inside of me is unbearable, I can even feel it in my brain. Maybe they are rotting out my brain so I will eventually die. I want to live! Breaking news! I have a brain! That is rare for a human to have (but I think most of you here have one too so don't worry). The reason why people don't have brains is their driving skills. You all know what I'm talking about! Back to the problem. I still feel like cutting because of the feelings and my mission to save mankind from world war 3. I DON'T WANT HER TO ACCIDENTALLY KILL HERSELF and have it be my fault. Can you imagine how much guilt that would put on a person? I am doing well, and I am happy at this moment. I went into the hospital last week and they didn't accept me because my cuts weren't deep enough and I read the DSM IV. Pathetic hospital! Honestly, even though I HATE the hospital, that is where I would feel the safest. Maybe they can perform surgery the proper way to get the bomb out unless the surgeons won't know how to do that kind of operation. Speaking of surgery, the stressor that is bothering me is that my mom needs back surgery, not looking forward to that. She has something called Sjogren's disease which is an auto-immune disease, which makes surgery more dangerous to have, even for simple surgeries. Last time she had a "real" surgery, she nearly died not once, but twice. Her shoulder became infected. But my episode actually started way back in October, progressively getting worse and making me scared to death. I am not delusional about anything. Maybe I should go into the hospital, so it prevents me from cutting and therefore mom won't have to cut. I mean a different hospital, not the one that hates me anyways. Why do they hate me? My medical knowledge and they don't believe a word that comes out of my mouth and they are liars over there. Last time they had bullies that hurt my feelings constantly so AFTER getting out of the hospital I was actually WORSE, and slit my wrist but of course I survived because I did it wrong. Thank god I didn't die! I was super depressed at that time, right now I am closer to being manic and depressed at the same time, a "mixed" episode. So, what do I do?

pegasus · Jan 25, 2009, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireBird

I can't live like that. I don't want her to hurt herself. I hope she was joking just so I don't cut. I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt that would do to me. That would possibly make me suicidal and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DIE!

I know you guys have told me over and over again that there's no bomb, but I actually feel the shape and everything in my neck.

At times the crawling from the nanobots inside of me is unbearable, I can even feel it in my brain. Maybe they are rotting out my brain so I will eventually die.

Maybe they can perform surgery the proper way to get the bomb out unless the surgeons won't know how to do that kind of operation.

((((((( FireBird ))))))))

I am concerned, I feel your worry and distress over your Mom's health is making you have psychotic symptoms. You don't have a bomb in your neck/brain and you don't have nanobots crawling around inside you either. Please go back to your Doctor or hospital and talk things through.

SpottedOwl · Jan 25, 2009, 03:51 PM

(((FireBird)))

It sounds like your mom loves you, and you really love your mom. She doesn't want to see your hurt, just like you don't want to see her cut herself.

Sometimes in a manic phase, our brains use symbols to express things. I sometimes think of it as the dream world and the waking world meeting. What is said is absolutely true, but not always in a literal sense.

Quote:

even though I HATE the hospital, that is where I would feel the safest. Maybe they can perform surgery the proper way to get the bomb out unless the surgeons won't know how to do that kind of operation. Speaking of surgery, the stressor that is bothering me is that my mom needs back surgery

Is it possible that the idea you need surgery to remove the bomb in the neck (back) and the back surgery you mother needs to have are somehow related? If you look at it from the dream/waking world analogy -- one is a symbolic representation that feels absolutely real, and the other is a waking life representation.

I believe you have a brain, and you seem very intelligent. I also think that you know deep down what is best for *you*. I offer up the dream/waking analogy as a way to try to help you communicate...because sometimes people just don't get it. If it does not help, feel free to ignore it and just accept my support.

Right now you need to feel safe, and you want your mom to be safe. I know your mom would want you to take care of yourself. You do not need to cut yourself to go to the hospital -- you can walk in and ask for help with your words, instead of your actions.

I'm sorry you have to go through all this. My thoughts are with you and your mother. I hope the surgery goes well, and you can find some peace.

pachyderm · Jan 26, 2009, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireBird

...I know you guys have told me over and over again that there's no bomb, but I actually feel the shape and everything in my neck. At times the crawling from the nanobots inside of me is unbearable, I can even feel it in my brain. Maybe they are rotting out my brain so I will eventually die... they don't believe a word that comes out of my mouth... So, what do I do?

Just maybe what you feel does not have the explanation you give it? I mean, it could be real, it could have a real meaning, but in a different way than you think?

FireBird · Jan 26, 2009, 01:54 PM

Its not different, the thought insertion told me all of this. That is how I got the information about the nanobots and then I started feeling them, hearing things (the cloaked FBI agents), seeing things and even sometimes smelling things that are rotting (my brain/ body parts). The thought insertion gets more detailed each day. It is scary as hell to go through this. Why must I suffer so much?

marcelodlanod · Jan 26, 2009, 01:57 PM

Ive been threatened with the same thing too. My mom says she will kill herself if i kill myself. The thuth is..... i kinda dont care, im sentimentally apathic....
But i think: i dont wanna see her in the other side with me.... The voices just wont stop, and been abused by your father is not something useful.. i want with all my heart to die... but they insist in being with me all the time... they dont even let me sleep alone. That just makes worse everything...

pachyderm · Jan 26, 2009, 05:17 PM

FireBird, do you have a therapist? Maybe you have answered this before...

FireBird · Jan 26, 2009, 06:02 PM

Yes, I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a case worker and they all agreed that the hospital not accepting me was really stupid. They were surprised. I don't hide anything, so I tell them everything that is going on.

cybermember · Jan 27, 2009, 08:59 PM

Firebird,

The hospital not accepting you was totally wrong. I'd put in a formal complaint.

In the meantime, is there another hospital in your area that you could go to?

Be safe.

FireBird · Jan 27, 2009, 11:14 PM

I have too many important dates coming up to be in the hospital including a party (my friends are coming over for the Superbowl), a meeting with a casino that MIGHT buy my fine art cards, a speech that I get to do on autism on Feb 4th, and an assessment on Friday (my mom is a caregiver and this episode might get her more hours so I guess being nuts has its good side as well). I can't miss those dates. The main reason I am having an episode (even though it started all the way back in October of last year and deteriorated since then) is the med change and my mom is having surgery on her back. Stress always brings out the so called "psychotic" symptoms. Stress makes everything worse in me, even my physical problems are worse (my fibromyalgia for example). I think I am just plain normal! Not nuts!

cybermember · Jan 29, 2009, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireBird

I have too many important dates coming up to be in the hospital including a party (my friends are coming over for the Superbowl), a meeting with a casino that MIGHT buy my fine art cards, a speech that I get to do on autism on Feb 4th, and an assessment on Friday (my mom is a caregiver and this episode might get her more hours so I guess being nuts has its good side as well). I can't miss those dates. The main reason I am having an episode (even though it started all the way back in October of last year and deteriorated since then) is the med change and my mom is having surgery on her back. Stress always brings out the so called "psychotic" symptoms. Stress makes everything worse in me, even my physical problems are worse (my fibromyalgia for example). I think I am just plain normal! Not nuts!

If you can stay safe, then you shouldn't have to go into the hospital. But if you start cutting again, then I would suggest going in.

I understand how much stress can play a part in exacerbating psychotic symptoms. Perhaps a med adjustment is in order to help you get through this difficult time. My pdoc always recommends an adjustment to my meds when I'm experiencing a difficult time. And when that difficult time passes, he recommends adjusting my meds again. I wish my symptoms and moods were as consistent as my meds, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way, thus the need for adjustments.

Be safe.

FireBird · Jan 30, 2009, 12:09 AM

Great news! The casino bought 69 cards to start with as a test run! They said if it does well, they will place a much bigger order along with our other products! We were only expecting 12-24 cards if they were interested at all. She already knows buyers of the cards so most likely I will get another order. Another good thing happened and that was that I was contacted by this organization to have one of my designs on their annual report and even though we told them we would do it for free, they paid me $100! There will be free advertising in there because it will have a paragraph about me and a link to my website! This report goes to a lot of organizations and congressmen, senators, and even the governor! Imagine if the governor wants me to do an original picture for her or she buys one of my prints! I'm the famous artist and that is NOT a delusion! I learned that one of my medications was responsible for the increase in "psychotic" symptoms even though it is a rare side effect. Every pill I take I get the side effects including the rare ones. That is why I will NEVER take Clozaril because one of the rare side effects is death and I will not accept that. I'd rather be nuts than dead. My pdoc decreased the problem pill and increased another pill to see if that would work. It worked yesterday (probably because of all the good things that were happening so it was a distraction) but I hallucinated a lot today so I don't know what is truly going on.