[Howlin Mad]

I have a lot going on with me, and half the time I want to tell my tutors, especially when I've had a bad day. But on a bad day, I don't want to talk at all, and on a good day, I feel stupid for bothering them. My friend is at uni, and she never seems to have a problem letting her tutors know she self harms, or some other stuff that goes on, but the most I've told mine is that I was on medication that was really bad for me and screwed up a few weeks, but I'm on something new and trying to catch up.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I tell them I'm worried about the exams, they go "exam nerves", but if I don't do well, I'm not going to be very good to myself.

[Perna]

Hi, Howlin Mad, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

What would you like to tell your tutors and why? "Predicting" that you will self harm if you do poorly on exams and wishing to let them know so. . . what? They cannot deal with your feelings, you have to do that and decide on your own actions and you are worrying about something in the future; no one can know what is going to happen yet but seeing the situation and making such a prediction, while it can't "make" the situation come true is a bit of a set up inside yourself with making it come true?

Can you tell your tutors about past behaviors you have engaged in and ask them about getting a counsellor to help you in the present so you don't repeat those behaviors and for their help in studying so you are more confident of doing well on your exam?

[Howlin Mad]

I have a counsellor, I have a psychiatrist, I'm being set up with a therapist, I take medication, none of it helps stop my SH, though. And I don't "predict" I will SH after exams if I feel they don't go well; I know that for a fact I will SH again. But I'm scared of doing worse than doing worse than that. I don't want them to do anything, I just want them to know. I want someone to know so I don't get back in the habit of walking out of class to SH. I can't help myself, I try stop myself, but I don't have that much control.

But even then, it's not as simple as just telling them. I can't make the words come out, they just sound pathetic. I'm being childish for thinking of bothering them with something so trivial.

[Direction]

When you know something then you can take actions to prevent it from happening. Your tudors are just that tudors...so they should be used to prepare for the tests. Discuss with your counsellor and psychiatrist your how to find other ways to cope.

[Vibe]

I'm not sure what your tutors could do for you in this area. I think it might be a good idea for you to bring this kind of thing up with your treatment providers, but the tutor is there to help you learn the material. They probably wouldn't even know how to handle that kind of revelation. I probably wouldn't share in this instance just because I would assume it would cause more harm than good.

[Irine]

Maybe if you shared with ONE of them - it could make things seem less threatening...

[venusss]

Sharing may make it worse... in the end you have to do your work.... and trying to come up with excuses does not help too much... life is not gonna accomodate you. This is something you need to deal with yourself and with your treatment team, to preferably get past it.

[Howlin Mad]

I am getting my work done, all of it, too much of it.
Tutors are not heartless cretins. One of mine hunted me down after class to try and get me to open up to him. The fact is I don't know how to express myself. I have a lot I want to say, but the words won't come out.
I see my tutors practically everyday, whereas I only see my counsellor once a week for an hour, so to me it seems perfectly rational to wonder if one of them will take the time to listen if I have something I want to get out. I wouldn't ever expect them to do anything more. I am a person with thoughts and feelings and if I'm having a difficult time, I want to know there's someone I can talk to. I tried to deal with it on my own, and with a counsellor, and it did not go well at all. I don't want a repeat of those events.

And Venus Halley, I resent your comment, and I'm sorry if you didn't mean it any sort of offence. Not once, anywhere, did I say I was trying to make up excuses for not getting my work done.

[Direction]

You definitely sounds like you need additional supports...though I would suggest that you look at other supports for your emotional needs, it is your choice who you decide to discuss your private matters with...go slow...keep expectations low about the support your tutors can provide.

Most importantly let your counselor and psychiatrist know that you do you not feel like you are getting the support you need. Find out what options are available regarding increasing the amount of time you see them. Find support groups...DBSA, NAMI, etc...

[venusss]

I meant no offense, so no need to jump on me and I resent your reply.

I was just echoing others. Tutors can help you study, but they aren't really equiped to help you with your emotional issues. I guess i took the "And I don't "predict" I will SH after exams if I feel they don't go well; I know that for a fact I will SH again." comments... (your words) the wrong way. Worded this way it feels bit like a manipulation... especially when you "just want them to know"... It makes it feel like they are responsible for your actions.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Howlin Mad

One of mine hunted me down after class to try and get me to open up to him. The fact is I don't know how to express myself. I have a lot I want to say, but the words won't come out.

Maybe you could show that one a scar, use the visual to help you with the words. Just say something simple like, "I self-harm after tests if I don't feel I do well". Maybe ask that one if they could be around after the next test, meet you at the door or maybe find your friends who are getting help and go with them and discuss the test to let off steam instead of self-harming, etc.?

I don't know the relationship between how well you end up doing versus how you feel you did right after? I would see if I could work with my tutor to make it more a "game" to see if you can get X score (and make it reasonable) and then the two of you look at or wait for the score together? If you usually get 92% or something, set the hope-for for the minimum, 90% and then you will usually be pleasantly surprised?

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by Howlin Mad

I have a lot going on with me, and half the time I want to tell my tutors, especially when I've had a bad day. But on a bad day, I don't want to talk at all, and on a good day, I feel stupid for bothering them. My friend is at uni, and she never seems to have a problem letting her tutors know she self harms, or some other stuff that goes on, but the most I've told mine is that I was on medication that was really bad for me and screwed up a few weeks, but I'm on something new and trying to catch up.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I tell them I'm worried about the exams, they go "exam nerves", but if I don't do well, I'm not going to be very good to myself.

Hey Howlin Mad...

Sorry you are struggling with school right now. I understand the feeling you have - you want to confess to someone that some days are hard at school, you see others struggling yet seemingly able to open up, and do want support/positive feedback as you progress through your classes. I also understand the impression you have of the *one possible* tutor that may be more compassionate...I have been there too (and am still there as i am still in school too; thanx btw, for reminding me of how extensive this struggle can be )

At the same time, i do agree with others that say that you need to go to your treatment team to ask for more support. Right now at university, on top of T and Pdoc, i do also see someone at school specifically to deal with academic stress. That is the person i am connected with to unload hard days at school, issues about deadlines, and worries about my progress overall. It does sound like you would like something similar...but i don't know if the tutor would be enough to fulfill your needs.

Others have brought up if you are aware of the many responsibilities of university. I do agree with these comments simply because there IS A LOT MORE THAT IS IMPORTANT compared to high school. It is okay if you cannot handle it all - in a sence that it is a learning process that each of us has to go through to advocate for ourselves, be confident in our strengths and skills, and complete MANY MORE necessary tasks (assignments/papers/projects/tests/exams) well in preparation for more future work. I hope you are successful in your search to get more of the support YOU need to continue to be STABLE & WELL in school...

[Howlin Mad]

Haya

I do understand what people are saying about taking it to the support team.
When I started this course I was honest in the interview... so God knows why they let me in xD. He asked if I'd get the coursework in by the deadline, I told I couldn't make any promises. He asked me if I thought I was ready and able to cope with the course... I told him I have to be. Otherwise sitting around for another year on ESA is just depressing.
I'm really, really trying to get everything in order, seeing all these people, and it's all help I never had before. But at the same time I want so badly to get into university, I get torn between focus on the course, and having to sort out everything else, and I want to be able to tell my tutors that I love their subject, and I'm working my arse off, and I really, really want to do well, but my attention does get caught up on other things.

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I meant no offense, so no need to jump on me and I resent your reply.

I apologise for that. I was actually referring to the excuses bit. It stings every time I hear that, because it's sounds like I'm not bothering to put the effort in, which I really am.

I understand what you mean by manipulation, I feel the same way, which is why I struggle how to word it.

Perna: I've set up with at least one of my tutors so that after the exam she's going to set me the task of boosting my coursework grade to distinction, so that at least if I don't feel I did well on the exam, I can feel good about my coursework. I wonder if my other tutors will allow me to do this??


Thank you all for your advice though. It's a bit of a juggling act but everything will fall into place.

[delightmaze]

well i disagree..i think that a proper tutor will be more than willing to help you all you have to do is find the right one .The one you can trust .i am sure that your tutors as all kinds of educators are familiar with psychology and will know how to deal with your feelings