1st Year of College

About a month ago I finished my first full year of college. I go to a local university and commute there every day; so I don't live on campus. People have told me that you don't get the full college experience as a commuter and considering how I haven't made any friends this has added on to my depression. But the biggest problem that I have is something that happened right before I started college. A little over a year ago, one of my father's friends died in an accident. His son was unable to get an Associate's Degree at least because he screwed up while in college (chose to party) and didn't accumulate enough credits. He had to quit and start working to support his mother who barely speaks English. The incident frightened me. I couldn't stop thoughts of my own father dying in a sudden accident leaving me without any sort of diploma to help out my own mother (who also barely speaks English). I managed to calm down and be rational before starting college with a serene approach. But my mother has ruined it completely. Every time I might slip up a little or if the topic comes into the conversation, she brings up the incident again, drilling it into my head and guilt-tripping me into studying harder. I'm not a party student, in fact I consider myself to be quite studious... but this whole incident and all of these "what if" thoughts keep getting in the way. Which was partially why I wasn't able to make any friends because I was just too depressed to even try.

I went to seek counseling that we have on campus and joined group therapy. I had to tell my mother about it (since I'm a commuter and she needed to know where I was when classes were over). I asked her not to tell my father though. But in the end, I feel like she can't even connect that my lack of friends and this incident is what driving me over the edge. I don't talk to her about my therapy sessions... it's not safe. She has a way of manipulating everything that comes out of your mouth and twisting it to her own liking. That is why I never share anything personal with her because the fear of having it all thrown back in my face will only push me farther into depression. It's not that my parents don't support me financially. They just never do so emotionally. And the crying late at night for no reason has only increased now that summer has started. I don't take any summer courses so I feel like I'm being useless if I'm not nearing to acquiring my diploma. I got an internship but it requires me to work alone all the time and I'm thinking about quitting because being alone is only making it worse. I just feel like a useless blob of crap and my mother keeps telling me to relax during the summer while at the same time reminding me of the incident. It's like a non-stop circle of chaos and hypocrisy.

I'm so lost.

My son just finished his first year of college, and, in fact, is doing an internship this summer. I am pleased with him because this internship is really a great thing to do, since it might help him get a job later! At any rate, he has some thoughts to share with you. Here he is:

Hey! As my mom said, I just finished my first year of college and am doing an internship. The first thing I would suggest is that you find ways to spend more time away from home since your mother and loneliness seem to be your biggest sources of stress. Since your mother isn't supportive, you need to find ways to justify spending more time at campus: tell her that you need to stay later in school for group projects, to meet with professors during office hours, or perform research in the library. In any case, make it sound like something largely beyond your control.

Situations that are beyond your control happen to everyone, but you can't let yourself become paralyzed by concerns. I haven't gotten my financial aid package for the coming year and if they cut my funding it would be difficult or impossible for me to attend. However, there's nothing I can do about it at the moment--if it happens, I'll have to cross that bridge when I cross it and I'll be best prepared if I focus on the moment now.

Since it sounds like you don't have a large friend group right now, see about some clubs or other groups you could join that are relevant to your interest and/or studies. See if you can find other commuter students from your area. While you need to do well in college (avoid C's and below as much as possible), you don't need a 4.0 to get a job or even to go to graduate school. Frankly, employers are more concerned with seeing good academic performance and relevant experience, whether that's work, volunteer service, or an internship--and all of those can be used to form friendships. How are you doing in school?

Having more people to talk to means that you won't have to rely on your mother for emotional support and advice and will give you an avenue to vent. Make sure you don't view clubs and friendships as mere distractions from your studies that you feel guilty about, but as an integral part of your emotional well-being and a positive effort in gaining employment through networking.

I attend a school with a significant international population--since your mother doesn't speak much English, I'm assuming she's from a different culture. In many other countries, academic performance is everything--here, it isn't. You need to do well, but relevant experience is the most important thing and I think the best advice is to follow your passions and then worrying about tying those skills and experience to a later job (rather than trying to pad your resume with positions you don't enjoy). She's not going to understand this, so it's not worth arguing with her about. At the same time, you might make it a little easier on yourself by carefully selecting classes you know you can do well in as you complete your degree.

In terms of your current internship, I would continue with it if I were you. Sometimes my internship is a little lonely since I'm the only intern and so is studying--you just can't make either your life. I have a full-time internship and weekend commitments, but I still go out of my way to schedule lunch with other people around my age and to get out in the town a bit, even if it's only walking around the mall.

Well, that's my son's advice. I agree that you CAN do well in school and also have some friends. I know many people who do so. I was a college professor for many years. You certainly don't need to be a party person! There are many clubs and organizations that don't emphasize drinking and partying. And just because students live on campus doesn't mean they will become failures. I certainly enjoyed living on campus (and I wasn't a party person.)

It's unfortunate that your mother is so fearful, but I can understand that she is scared, given that she worries that she wouldn't be able to support herself if something happened to your dad. Please try not to let her fears become your fears, however. We know it's possible that your dad could die like your friend's dad did, but unlikely.

I see my son is suggesting that you not always tell your mother what you are actually doing. I can understand that, however, given that you (and) he are now actually grown-ups.

We are assuming that you are from an Asian or South Asian culture or from the Middle East. Or at least not from a family of Americans who have lived here for at least several generations.

Sorry for the long response! My son will be here through Sunday afternoon, and I am here every day, if you'd like to talk to us some more. We hope we have been helpful!

Hi, breathless, welcome to PsychCentral.

If you can, I would schedule your classes next year so you have space in the "middle" between classes that is free; then I would figure out places to go in the day, the library, study groups, student union, counseling and just tell your mother you are at school, working. You can get some of your school work done some days so you do not have as much studying to do at home (and can spend more time with your mother, helping her with her chores or maybe starting/joining a mother/daughter group to learn English, etc.?)

It sounds like your mother may be worried and upset too? When we are anxious, and I'd be anxious if I did not speak much of the language, it can be lonely and scary. Maybe you can talk to the friend's son your father knows, who lost his father, and you and your mother can help his mother and you can maybe find others at university that have mothers like them and make a little community of students and mothers?

I think most universities have a commuters "lounge"? I would maybe spend some time there, see if you can meet other commuters and figure out a study group or something for when you are at school some days?

Good ideas, Perna! At one college I taught at, there was sort of an informal commuters' group.

Breathless, I'm sorry for all that you're struggling with. I am also a commuter student who struggles to make connections with others, they just act like since I don't live on campus I'm not interested in doing things and maybe I'm not worth building a relationship since I'm only on campus for my classes. I also struggle with trying to seek counseling without my parents knowing...they just can't understand some of my issues, let alone why I would need to talk to a professional about such things.

Summer is such a hard time, especially when we don't have the structure of classes and support of therapy too. I'm sorry to hear that your Mom is manipulative of trying to distort many things that you say...people like that only make our lives harder. I hope that you can stick with your internship. Even though it is not ideal, it may be better than having nothing. The biggest advice I would have for you is to try to do things to make yourself happy. Even little moments of enjoyment, if the rest of the day sucks, help a little bit. I hope you can feel better soon and that things will become easier over time.