Sabotaging my future, and I don't care enough to quit.

Hey. I rarely post threads like this, but I feel like I've come to my wit's end, here, and I don't really know where else to turn.

Ever since the sixth grade, I've put so little effort into my school work. I wouldn't finish assignments, would bomb tests, and, quite honestly, it's a miracle that I didn't flunk out of high school. Speaking of which, high school was when I began to skip classes, in general... starting with P.E., and extending to other classes. I would walk out of the school, go to the YMCA next door, and sit in a chair, either reading a book or playing a game.

But I digress.

It wasn't until my Freshman year of high school that my depression kicked in full-gear, and stayed that way. In fact, I wasn't even diagnosed with Depression until my Freshman year... and I still can't remember what "type" of depression it was. I've been diagnosed with so many things throughout my life... I can't keep track of it all. Regardless, high school was terrible. I believe that that was around the time that I began to "self-sabotage", as I like to think of it, my life. I'd skip class. I wouldn't finish homework. I'd fail classes. I'd skip test days. And, in the end, while I always felt guilty about it and anxious about my future, I just did not... didn't care enough to push myself. I didn't care enough ABOUT myself to push myself.

Somehow, I passed high school, and now...? College. Third year of college. Third year of community college, for a simple Associate's Degree, and I still don't have enough credits for even one year of college. I skip class, on a daily basis, and I lie to my family about the state of my classes. Whereas they used to fund my tuition, they no longer do that after I'd thrown away the previous two years. I'm paying for my current semester, out-of-pocket, and I'm throwing it all away, and I just don't... I don't care. I am dismantling my life, sabotaging my future, burning my bridges, burning the bridges that are AHEAD of me, and I don't care. I just don't care. I mean, I do care, but... I don't care enough to want to bring myself out of this, because, quite honestly, I feel as if I'm going to just end it all at some point soon, anyway. Could be tomorrow. Could be a year from now. Who knows? Either way, I'm about halfway into this semester, and the semester, as far as I can tell, is a lost cause, at this point. Which makes me think to myself: why even bother now?

Either way, I'm... I feel defeated, utterly defeated, and I feel as if I'm submitting myself to that defeat, and I just don't care enough to pull myself back up, which begins a cycle, a spiral, of self-hatred and all sorts of other negative emotions. It has been this way for the better part of four years, and I feel as if I'm just going through life, like a robot, a zombie, dead, but not actually dead - dead, but still awake. Just going through the motions, not having enough energy, care, motivation, or anything to push myself through to the next day. I self-harm, I fantasize about suicide on an almost daily basis, I'm not on any meds, I don't see a therapist for several weeks from now, and I'm just... I'm exhausted. I'm tired.

This description, this thread, doesn't even begin to scratch at the surface, doesn't even begin to address the several thousand facets of the situation. I feel like I'm not even beginning to do it justice, but I need to say something, while I'm still coherent, while I'm still able to even remotely express myself, because things are getting bad, fast, and my life is plummeting downhill, and what I see, at the bottom, is beginning to scare me less and less. It's beginning to feel more welcoming.

It sounds like you have really struggled the last few years. I can't imagine feeling that bad for that many years. My heart goes out to you. You say you don't take any medication. Have you considered seeing a psychriatrist and taking meds? Maybe it is just what you need to pull yourself out of this downward spiral.

He has taken meds. All different kinds. Nothing works for him.

I'm a friend of his irl, btw.

I hate to see him do this to himself, but I don't know what to do.

I'll try to keep being here for ya though, Jishkah.

do you have plans?

do you even know what you want to do

that would be a good start..

No. No way. I am not going to put myself on any sort of medication.

Honestly, I see it as a flippin' joke. Scientists develop these medications, not fully understanding how they work, what effects that they'll have on the human brain, or just how the human brain works, in general. It's such an inexact science; we're prescribed medication upon medication upon medication, stacked, switched, increased doses, lowered doses, the works, hoping to come across the "magic mixture" that has more of a desired effect than an undesired effect. Meanwhile, we see our psychiatrist, we tell them that the medications "don't seem to work" or have an "undesired effect", and they switch the medication out for a different one, or lower the dosage, or remove it altogether. Meanwhile, our brains are being flooded with all sorts of chemical cocktails, our entire personality changes, we lose who we are... I've been on so many different medications, and none of them have helped. They've made me unstable, they've given me undesired sexual side-effects, they've stripped me of emotion, and I'm not going to take another pill. No way, no how.

It's such a freakin' joke. How can we treat that which we cannot even begin to fully understand? I'm open to seeing a therapist, and I honestly believe that to be a valid treatment method, but, when it comes to psychological medication, we may as well live in medieval times, and I am not going to do that to my mind and body. Not anymore.

...I'm sorry about the rant. I just... I do not want to go down the medication route any further. That rabbit hole would take me nowhere.

Thanks, NextToNormal. It means a lot to me. More than I can put into words.

No, I don't have plans. Throughout the entirety of my life, I've never had plans. A passion. Anything to, well, to strive for. I don't understand how anyone could. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know what I want for my future, and, to be honest, I've never really cared.

EDIT: I'm sorry. Whatever coherence and "depth" that I had before, whatever level of expression that I was able to previously put forth, is gone. I think that's about it for this post, at least for a while...

Like you mention, a therapist would be your best bet. I totally get your disgust of todays current medicine distribution. And to add to that, a lot of those doctors have close interaction with the medicin companies, and they make money off prescribing it to patients. I'd never put such a pill in my mouth for medical purposes (I'd eat one for fun, but that's it).

Anyway, I think therapy is the best way. Tell him/her exactly what you just told us, and develop a system/treatment with him/her. Also, tell him you need help with finding a passion. Something you love. Maybe ask friends and family what they always thought you'd become? That could open your eyes and give you that "of course!"-reaction. You could even look for such courses around your neighbourhood - I'm sure you're not the only one who feels this way (I've been there - damnit it's annoying)..

Good luck, I really hope it works out!