Failing

I need to write this, since my frustration is becoming a huge part of my everyday life. I cannot deal with this anymore.

My life feels like all of my worst nightmares coming true. I've always been different than most of my peers: not as flexible, pretty compulsive, weird. My school achievements were also pretty messed up.

I live in Poland and believe me that our - constantly changing - schooling and grading system is not something any country could be jealous about. I lived in England as a 11 year old, attended a secondary school there and it's nothing like that here. Here, there's no individual approach to the students, we were just a grey mass that had to follow stiff rules. You either did or you didn't if you didn't, you were stupid and worthless. The written rules are all that matters. We didn't learn by practice, just by memorizing a huge amount of unneccessary information that we didn't exactly understand.

I was kind of okay in primary school, then in the middle school, even though I was already struggling with passing Maths and Chemistry. Then high school came: I was the best student in the whole school when it came to foreign languages and writing, my Polish essays were the best my teacher's ever seen. But my Maths grades were - despite having two private teachers - too bad and I graduated later than most of the people. I was generally struggling at high school, because I couldn't deal with frustration and feeling worse than everyone else, my rage started to kick in, my behaviour was messed up and terrible.

But okay, I took this internal exam and graduated. But that also meant that I had to take my finals a year later than everyone else. Most of my friends passed them and went to university, even the most lazy people who didn't care about school at all, but they were cunning enough.

Our final exams here are pretty weird, because they're designed by a completely separate organization that has no good insight about the way students are taught and the exam formula is changing completely every few years, the rules are changing too. For example, this year there were students sitting in one room, some writing exams in an old formula, some completely different ones in a new formula, but - when it comes to university recruiment - they're grades are treated completely the same.

In order to be able to participate in a university recruitment, you need to pass obligatory exams: Polish, Maths, English (However Maths became obligatory only few yrs ago). You can also take another exams, which are optional. Everyone usually passes Polish and English, but the Maths one is on a completely different level.

So I took my finals a year ago - when my peers were already on their first year of uni - and passed with 100% in Polish, 100% in basic English, 95% in extended English, 40% in Philosophy and 60% in Biology, which is far upon average and opened me the door for almost every university in the country.

But I didn't pass Maths. I didn't pass it for the first, second and third time. The exams are getting worse and worse every year, now it's mostly analytical geometry and geometry is something even my teacher couldn't teach me.

I'm three years behind of everyone. I already isolated myself from people in the feeling of worthlessness and total anger two years ago. I was working in a local shop for a year and now I need to look for another job in sales, which is a dread for me.

The third exam was yesterday. I don't know the results yet, but from what I've checked on the Internet, I made many mistakes and won't get enough points.

Frustration is something that literally kills me. And people here are full of hatred, not passing this particular exam makes you weak and an idiot. Usually, even the most dumb people manage to pass this and they go to uni with their results of 30% in everything.

I'm stuck in life, because I have nothing else to do. My family does not support me, the only thing I can do is to get some job in sales. But working in a shop for the rest of my life is something I cannot imagine. It's too overwhelming for me. I'm too slow and can't stand being around many people for 8-10 hours a day. I have no options about what to do.

Wow, I think I'd have a hard time with that kind of schooling, too. Not all ultimately successful people do well in school. Can you get some tutors to help? Maybe students who are doing well? Perhaps you could work out payment such as cleaning their rooms, doing errands, etc. if you don't have the money to pay.

Don't give up! Okay?

thanks for sharing your story with us

and i wish you luck

Well, most of the people I know have already forgotten this stuff, but I'll think of something as soon as I get my results (5th of July).

School was very difficult for me. Since I was 13 I had panic attacks so serious I had to start taking SSRI's. This lead me to a huge mental breakdown in the middle of high school, I was addicted to benzos and many other drugs for a year and a half (And I was pretty crazy back then, done very embarrassing stuff, was drinking heavily I could easily be expelled, but I was still doing my homework, writing exams etc, my grades didn't change much, so they couldn't. I got back to normal on the last year but grew very hypervigilant with all those bad memories). Nobody ever offered me any help, my parents were totally indifferent (they're not very responsible and easily ignored me no matter what) I was all alone with this. I always thought that if I survive this, I will finally be able to do something nice and show my potential.

But I'm stuck with my parents and feel like getting retarded and much less self sufficient. Worried about loosing my mind. Sadly, even if I could become a student, I would have to study at home (we have some online universities), because I cannot afford renting a flat. My parents are poor and frustrated. And my father is very mean. I hear his hate speech every day: he hates everyone, especially people who have money. He complains and complains. My mother is all about herself too. All my dad had to say about me struggling with myself was "Maybe, if you're mental, you could get some papers and get some government money?"

He likes to assure me that, as I come from a poor family, I will never be able to afford what I want. He says "Now you need to prepare for a whole life of hard, physical job".

When it comes to studying, he was just like "your studies would be ***** anyway, who need psychologists." "And you're mental yourself, how can you treat sick people?" and that I'm obligated to repay him for wasting his life on having a family.

Everything in a passive-aggressive manner. I don't hate my parents, they're cool sometimes, but they hate each other and their life and it did me no good. They're not responsible for their words and actions.

I feel so miserable with this kind of reality.

I don't really know how to stop this neverending circle of frustration. I really don't want to end up like Sylvia Plath with my head in the oven, but this is all just too much. My fear of schizophrenia grew so big I generally started to really believe I have it and live like I have it. I have troubles even when my frustration is mild and now it's huge and scary.

I came to this conclusion while talking to my friend who was writing different exams this year after two years of constant learning and he failed because the exams started to be extremely difficult since last year, like never.

I'm 21 and I'm already exhausted. I talk and scream in my sleep, constantly feel on edge, started developing autoimmune disease because my thyroid gets smaller and smaller and my adrenal glands are broken too.

I decided to visit a specialist in order to diagnose myself for possible dispraxia, maybe some AS traits or learning disorder: not that it's supposed to help me in any way, mostly just to feel a bit better, because Maths is not my only problem. What I have a problem with is being generally delayed in so many things since my childhood it's hard to list all of them. For that I've been bullied and that's the reason that being worse at something is like the end of the world for me.

Don't hate yourself, or blame yourself for doing badly in mathematics. Accept that you tried and didn't make it, then try writing yourself a personalized study plan.

Are you able to pay attention in classes? Is math not interesting for you?

Personally, I struggle with pay attention, and caring about my studies. If you are similar, try studying challenging material first, or present problems in a way that interests you.

"Are you able to pay attention in classes? Is math not interesting for you?"

I don't go to school anymore, because I already finished it three years ago. But actually Maths was the only subject I regularly attended (sometimes it was the only class I would go to, I often missed a lot of classes like English or Polish or PE, because I already knew the material or it wasn't interesting enough, so I was going there only for tests etc. That's why my behaviour was considered to be bad) and that's because I was afraid of failing at it. What's more, despite the fact that our teacher was a neurotic and frustrating old woman who battled cancer and neurosis, was constantly yelling at us and couldn't teach us anything, I actually liked her and she liked me and I wasn't stressed during her lessons. If she'd hate me, I wouldn't even graduate high school.

but anyway, of course Math is not interesting for me. It's like listening to someone speaking in a language you completely don't understand.

I know exactly how you feel. I just flunked out of university in march and now I am upgrading the courses I failed, which I also attempted at least 2 tries to get a better mark in my 2 years of university life. I am now suppose to be a fourth year student but I spent one year upgrading after high school to get higher marks. However in light of my situation I already completed some credits that will be going into my new program (if I can get into it), so now I just have to upgrade for at least a year.

I am also looking for a job right now because I am raking up 25k in debt. Sometimes I wonder if a university degree is even worth it, at least for the students who can't even afford the funds. I know your situation I am going through it right now, and I don't know how else to convey my feelings other than I can relate.

We are fortunate here to not have the need to pay for the universities in many cases, bc they're mostly free. I'm sorry for your financial struggle.

I checked my answers today and - although the official results will be posted on 5th of July - I know I failed, I'm gonna miss like 3 points or so. I'm so angry and frustrated I cannot even say how much.

I can't tell if you are pessimistic or realistic. Both can be true.

But if you failed again, why try to do this on your own? There must be ways to study this type of math with a tutor/school, even though you are supposed to have been finished with school.

I tried to teach myself math for years. I study physics now and do fine. But I completely lacked the confidence, on my own, to study it, keep studying it, sign up for an entrance exam, and pass it.

And I now are a person that ought to have a knack for math. And it was hard for me, doing it solo. If you can't do it solo, get assistance.

I had three private tutors in the past who taught me things such as basic equations and statistics (that's why i have these 22-24%) but they failed to teach me geometry and other things that require visual imagination. Unfortunately, most of this exam is about it. Even this really good lady who - thanks to her - made me pass Maths as a subject in high school, she tried to explain the whole geometry/stereometry stuff, but I just don't seem to get it. Maybe I'll try again, dunno. I hoped they will go back to the exam structure such as the one in 2014 or 2015 where they weren't all about geometry, but no it seems like they've sticked to it for good.

Perhaps I am pessimistic, but it's something I struggle with since I was 8. The only time I didn't have this struggle was when I was a student of British school for a year, because the curriculum was completely different and the level wasn't so high. Each year of school in my country, instead of focusing on what I could do, I had to fight for passing basic Maths so I didn't have to repeat the whole year.

Try to find if there are different math tests that give you the same 'level', but ask for different requirements.

I'd say, look across the border. Better than trying the same thing three more years, but that is also hard.

Especially considering you aren't going to do any science or engineering. You can possibly find a loophole, but that will give different challenges.

Where I study there are people that came here because the entry requirements fit them.

Maybe you study in the wrong way? Evaluate it all.

I think you can learn math solo using youtube. A lot of stuff is explained. You can also get books explaining geometry, offering gradual problems that help you understand the material.

It doesn't work like this in my country. There is only one exam and it looks the same for each student in every school in every county. It's called matura. It also has a international version but unfortunately you are not allowed to take it unless you graduated one of very few schools that teach in this particular curriculum. I'll see what my results are gonna be precisely this year and then think of a solution.

Yeah, YT is great. I've learned logarithms and stuff like that this way.

It's really difficult to explain how f*ucked our system of education is here. They change the whole education system every few years, the curriculum is constantly modified because they're not satisfied. Each students of each year have different books, different requirements. For example, next year I'm gonna have to write my exam in a different curriculum that I wasn't taught in. There are petitions written for people with disability and discalculia, for example, so that they could chose another subject instead of Maths (that would work for me, as I also have additional biology and philosophy passed), if they are talented and do well in other things, so they won't have to give up on university just because they have a weak point, but the government doesn't even want to consider this. People with disabilities only have some extra minutes on their exams, and that's kinda against our constitution. Yet, most of the average people who score like 30% in everything, they go to universities and there are so many people having a degree here that they want to make exams more difficult now. For me, they should go back to 90s when the universities were running the exams, so that everyone had to pass what's necessary for the particular field of study. This way I wouldn't have to care for Maths in order to do neuropsychology.

You still aren't thinking outside of the box. Poland has to recognize certificates from all other European countries and you didn't explore how far the certificates you do have get you in other countries.

Not saying you should definitely move, and I remember you said before you don't want to, but there is no reason to put your life on hold for 3 years before of a math test.

And I say that as someone who put his life on hold needlessly for 9, because of lack of resolve, lack of thinking outside of the box, lack of confidence.

I just know there's many Germans here where I study because they found a loophole and avoided the German strictness. Yes, it takes risk and money to live in another country, but it works out for them.

They don't get me anywhere, even for the UK studies, I need to have our matura passed. If I don't have my Maths passed, my other subjects don't count and I do not get the certificate. My other results will be deleted from the system at one point. We have three obligatory exams here: Basic Polish, English, Maths. Without any of them, the whole exam is negative.

I got 22%. Missed four points. My friend, who was better than me past year (she got around 24), got 12%, which was unbelievable for me. I don't really want to write anything more right now.