I have some questions about interacting with other students at a university. Just the way I worded that probably indicates how different my thinking is.

I want to discuss this problem and try to find answers before it gets worse... I can't get along with other students. No, we don't fight, but I can't for the life of me interact with them.

It's a big drain on my self-esteem as well.

I can get along very cordially with other students, and they with me. However, even the most light-hearted and careless students act guarded and professional with me. No one opens up to me. It's rather sad, even when I try with them. I meet constant rejection. It's like an impassable brick wall.

I've already tried taking things slow and getting to know people. However, no one ever lets me be more than an acquaintance.

I feel so different than everyone else. The way I act, the way I dress, the way I talk, and what my interests are.

I'm getting more and more bitter about human relationships during the college years. Girls seem to get along with those who share the same insecurities. Girls who are in their level of "social power," with similar popularity and beauty. They usually know the same people and like to gossip about those people. I see students supporting and befriending those they literally are attracted to. Guys who are attractive get so much attention from women in the classes that their ego goes from humble to incredibly full of themselves. The same goes for women. And there's barely ever a girl who actually doesn't ego brush guys and act flirty with them, regardless of whether they're single or not. I see men ego-brushing girls as well, but they don't seem to get much fuller of themselves, but they tend to get a little more rude to the other girls. And then the circle of jealousy increases among other students. It becomes a boiling pit of sexuality and ego boosting. It disgusts me... It makes me not want to be there.

I don't go to school to make friends. I would like them... but I focus on what I'm learning and my far-off goals and dreams. I never lose sight of them.

I'm feeling more and more disillusioned about relationships in college. It seems to swing entirely around sexuality. I mean, I have a boyfriend, I have a sex life, but it's never been my focus.

For the older students, their classroom relationships tend to swing either around sexuality or ego boosting as well, but in a different way. I've seen older students hang around younger members of the opposite sex regularly, and give special attention to them, which the latter enjoys in an unusual social dynamic. Then they fill their ego with reference to the real-world work they've done, and mostly focus on money (probably the most acceptable thing to picky me).

Gah, I'm getting tired of it. I don't want to be around this pit of insanity anymore. Please, someone, tell me I'm wrong. Is it just the school I'm attending? Is it me?

How am I going to survive later university years? Can I get by avoiding this? I want to just avoid people and only interact with professors and people in my major's field.

Clubs seem even worse. At first people parade intensity in the subject, and I get excited to join it, but it always seems to turn out to be an ego boosting parade.

Is this how humans are? Yes, I'm human too, but I feel like I'm missing something, anyway.

Does anyone attending a university see this as well?

Yeah, I'm **** contemptuous, I know. Sorry.

[Perna]

It's harder in large universities I think. I remember my days at the University of Maryland, one only became "good" friends with people in the dorm. Do you commute or live there? But since classes change every semester/quarter and students are all doing their own thing in their own order, it is much harder to start and continue a good, solid relationship. Most of mine were high school friends going to the same school or roommates, etc. Just looking from the "outside" it does just look random and surface/ego/sexual.

[Talthybius]

I went back to uni at age 30. I was much more conscious about how people befriend each other. I don't understand it, to be frank. But I used to take it for granted.

I see certain people meet up and I have no clue why these specific people become more friendly with each other. Why do they pick each other? Of course it happens naturally and they probably don't know why it happened. But for more than 60% of the people I see are close in class, I don't get why.

I don't see much of what you call 'ego boost' going on. Not sure exactly what you mean with that. But I may be oblivious to it anyway.

Thanks, you two.

Hmm, that could be, Perna. I'm not quite dissuaded yet; I'll need to think about it more. Yes, it could be that people are sticking to what they already know. Meaning, they make friends whom are easier to befriend. Someone who lives with them, someone they've known for a long time. It seems like so many people in school are meeting up in groups of people who they already know. Especially if they're shy like me, they may have a lot of trouble meeting someone new. It just feels like most students are really judgmental to anyone new, especially if that new person is friendless and so is socially "powerless." Why bother befriending someone without benefits? Lack of connections, possible issues to deal with, etc.

I don't understand it very well either, Talthybius. Maybe these people know each other already? I don't try to befriend other students very much, and they make no attempt to befriend me. When I do, they act like the weird person that no one likes is trying to ickily befriend them. The way students speak to each other is also very obviously different than how they talk to me. They speak so much more openly and with interest with each other, but to me, they act like I'm a little kid they want to go away. They shut up and say little to me, even if I act as friendly as those they treated nicely.

To be fair, I've found out that a lot of students already know each other from social media as well. I don't like social media, since a lot of what's shared on it is not so interesting to me.

Oh, the ego-boosting seems to be more apparent in advanced classes. I'm in a decent amount of them lately, and most of the students seem to be the type who like to have good-looking grades and appear intelligent, you know? Now that I think about it, I always liked my general ed and "lower-level" classes so much because the students seemed so much nicer and humble. I never had to tell them I was getting good grades for them to treat me more kindly. Students from those classes were simply often kinder to me. I think because of my classes, that means the students I'm hanging around most of the time are the students who are in these classes.

This brings up another problem I seem to have. I'll think I'll post it in another forum, though. It's just that I have a lot of trouble earning respect from others.

Thanks again. I feel a little better.

[Talthybius]

I don't know why you think you don't fit in.

Grades are important, but I guess I don't feel the anxiety as my grades are all very high. I do feel pressure to get high grades, especially since I am older.

I do judge both the seriousness/passion/ambition and the intelligence of my peers partly based on grades. I mean, that's the main reason we are all there, right?

I myself always have to be on my guard not be appear too arrogant. I have impulses to act arrogant and I don't always notice it is apparent to others that indeed I am.

Thank you, Talthybius.

I can't say why I feel that way (fitting in). I just do. I feel it's for the reasons I mentioned.

I don't have anxiety about my grades... I guess we're lucky.

I do think everyone feels pressure to get high grades, though, despite age.

Grades are important, and it's an indicator of a hard worker. But it can take hard work to get a B in some classes, too. It's just that the highest grades can be displayed and carried around like a proof of superiority. I stopped showing the grades I got to other students for this reason, unless they're pushy about it. That's what really makes me feel icky about this part of my problem. I have a lot of respect for people with straight As who are accomplishing a lot in school. I admire that. But I don't respect those who look down on others who are struggling, that's all. Or those using grades as a "I'm better than you" ticket. Or those who get drunk on attention from other students for their good grades. It seems so childish to me. But, like my post has said, it's not my only worry.

The point is that I can't seem to fit in with fellow students. I wonder that if what I think about them is true, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe most students and I are too far apart in perspectives. Maybe I should change my perspective a bit?

I think there's a lot to the talents of people. I usually look for a unique specialization in other students, i.e., some students who perform amazingly well in some technique. I've seen some students who performed "okay" or "not so good" in classes who would do something amazing out of nowhere, like a student who was able to gather and connect info for a project in an awesome way. I mean, if we're talking about knowing who's best in order to keep contacts, people like that can be just as good to know if not better than the straight-A students.

Maybe it's because I like to study alone, so I don't need other students to help me learn and do well. I can see then why it'd help to befriend those with excellent grades. Maybe study groups are actually where everyone makes friends. I don't do too well socially in those either, though. I guess it's just an issue with me.

Could my outlook on this whole thing actually cause me to be pushed away by other students?

I think it's something deeper than that. I think it's a problem with me, like a mental disorder sort of issue. I think I'm generally a little paranoid, but it's affecting my life, so maybe I should get that sorted out.

[Talthybius]

Grade wise, I actually feel that the dynamic at this point is to appear not study seriously, let everyone know you do a lot of stuff parallel to your studies, appear lazy, and still somehow ace the class. You can't appear to be trying too hard.

There are always people that after every test claim it was ok, not too hard, and they say it in a tone as if they know you will agree. Maybe they wouldn't say this when I am there if they knew I had problems passing the classes. But if I was a student that had troubles, I would be anxious, feel they were being arrogant.
I know this girl that fails almost all classes. She almost dropped out. She always laments how hard it is. She was friends with a girl that did even worse, and that dropped out. The two would always be together. So now that the other girl is gone, she spends almost all time with this other girl. This other girl is apparently smarter than both of them, and just as lazy. But one passes the class, the other doesn't. They skip tutorial and optional classes together, most of the time.
It must be hard for her, to fail almost every class each period. She skips class maybe only because she picked the wrong friend. She may be lazy. I don't know how she studies when she is alone. Can't judge that.

I feel all this is quite light-hearted and not the main thing. Some of the smartest students hang out with some of the average lazy ones. Other people link up with those of similar academic interest/ability. Other people have it in their mind that you make friends only with people you don't study with.

80% of these people don't know what they are thinking, that's my guess.

As someone who has schizoid traits, has to be guarded about being too aloof/detached, I wonder what some people do after class. Like me, they leave immediately after studying. They go to their small room. They sit there. What do they do? I mean, I am a computer nerd. I have spend weeks without any personal contact and I only realize that is odd/strange looking back on it.

Some of these cool successful socially skilled young talented people, they must be lonely, I am sure.

It's just that I am 12 years older than most, though some don't know and guess me 8 years younger. When I think back at when I was 16, 17, 18, 19, a person 3 years older was like a generation older. When suddenly you are an adult and someone is 10 years older, that is huge. And I already feel distance. Maybe it's me. Maybe not.

Maybe I have Asperger or I am blind. But I see strange things. Two people seem to be friends. They sit next to each other and pick each other for lab work Then suddenly a week later, they no longer seem to be friends. Suddenly, a new group has formed.

Or even more obvious, this one guy always sits down with these two girls, both nice, one quite attractive, the other average. I got this feeling he may be interested in one of them. But then one day, some totally other girl from our common classes is his girlfriend. How did that happen? I mean, why sit down with these two girls for months, then hook up with some other girl you never had any connection with, apparently? In fact, that girl hung out all the time with these two guys. She didn't hook up with those two. And he didn't hook up with one of those two girls.

And it's not just me that's blind. I was not the last to notice. In fact, we have this guy in our classes who is homosexual. And he said he was 90% sure that the guy that hooked up in the previous example was gay or at least bisexual.

One other example. There is this guy who is kind of one of the seniors, if you ignore me, of our study. He talks with every stranger he meets, especially girls. He is the master of small talk.
From like day 1 he hangs out with this girl, who is always serious, has a no nonsense but intense attitude. Not extremely girl-like, but not odd. She is more mature and laid back than most chatty gossipy girls. I feel is almost similar to me, in that fellow students are colleges and not either friends or complete strangers. So he is very nice to her. They leave almost every class together. The spend lunch together. They talk a lot. And it's not just me. I have lunch with them sometimes, the 3 of us. So other students asked me if I know if he likes her or she likes him. I mean, one of them must be in love with the other. I think I know now, but I am not sure. No idea wtf is going on between them.

I know from experience that in 80% of the time, for straight people, male-female platonic bonding is problematic at best.
I mean, from the very start they both decided they wanted to hang out together for the next two years. It's a mystery to me why. I know she had a long term BF and the broke up, partly because she was in university town too much. And he is single and gets a new phone number from some girl every week. Though not quite sure he is a real womanizer. He may be too young to realize he can hook up with all these girls, or he is interested in shallow social interactions, but not shallow sexual ones. No idea.

Then, the girl the emotional part of my brain is interested in. She seems super-social and super-outgoing, but she is a loner in a way. She likes to sit alone in the back of the class. She talks a lot with like 2, 3, 4 people. Maybe you can include me. She doesn't talk to many people, doesn't initiate, but she does talk to me even when she knew I was 13 years her senior, and I must have appeared like the cold aloof arrogant schizoid that I may be.

She is only close with 1 other girl. She is one of the smartest, the other girl either one of the stupidest but probably one of the laziest/most uncommitted. She doesn't care. She prefers to do lab with with her.
I talked with the other girl during practical work and discussed their formula/math and she readily admits that her genius lab partner/girl I like did it all. Like some 20 year old girls, they can do experiments better than me while having small talk all the time. They talk about everything, while they make dilutions, don't mix up samples, realize practical shortcuts that I don't realize. And I get better grades.

In fact, how much you small talk during lab work may be one of the main considerations in picking your lab partner. I worked with this other guy who also seemed to have little tolerance for small talk. I mean, I can small talk, but when I am supposed to focus on an experiment, it doesn't even occur to me that it is awkward that I don't small talk. It actually took me months to realize people may be drawing conclusions about me when I don't engage in small talk with them during lab work.

So today we had a last test. It was hard and most people couldn't finish it in time. Crazy quantum mechanics/physical chemistry exam with confusing abstract stuff.
So the girl my emotional brain likes, she finished at the end as well. She skipped like 12 of the 16 classes of one of the hardest courses. Other students that attended all classes, have IQ 130, worked hard, they will fail. Yet she did that last time we had a similar quantum mechanics class, and passed. Quantum mechanics is hard, but she just skips it and figures everything out during the test, literally on the spot. I hoped to talk to her after the test. Not uncommon for us to talk after a test, if we somehow end it at a similar time. But she left and everyone else, most of them less social nerds compared to her, they stayed around to discuss the test outside the exam room. She was gone. Does she go to her room and just sit there? She can only travel to her hometown on Friday afternoons. She may have a lot of other friends, outside of our study. And the girl she hangs out with, she wasn't in that class because she failed so hard the previous ones.
So most other people were hanging out outside the exam hall, enjoying the weather and talking about drinking beer and about not having any exam stress.

The girl I am emotional interested in, I also never see her during lunch breaks. Some people just disappear during lunch breaks. Others hang around together. She isn't the only one that disappears. Many people do. Do they really go to their room to have lunch?
In fact, I have seen her a few times. She carries her plate up the stairs, like she has a meeting with some project or student association in some classroom.

The weather is nice now. But during winters, it is really cold. I really suspect many people are lonely, struggle with exam stress or anxiety. Basically only science nerds and high achievers are in my study programme, as it is pretty hardcore.

There's three other people that stand out to me in my 60 or so study mates.
One girl, she has the best grades. She has Asperger so clearly, it is scary, in a way. I think a lot of people avoid her because of that, but she may not realize it. She always answers every question the lecturer asks. She will answer 20 questions in a row, even when no one else chimes in.
I may have Asperger, but I don't really feel any connection with her either.

One other girl, she is always silent and always sits alone. It's like the girl you never notice, except that I notice everything. She never says something. Like she always tries not to be noticed. She never laughs or shows emotions or enthusiasm. She skips some classes, but she passes most. She is not the type that decides tot to befriend any colleges. She likely has no social life whatsoever.

One guy, he always sits alone in the hallway near the classroom. He listens to his ipod or uses his laptop. Sometimes, on the same floor on the opposite side, there is a group of our fellow students. Yet he sits there alone. He still has to learn how to hide his Asperger or schizoidism, I guess.

As a 32 year old who understands their feelings, maybe, I feel I should be able to reach out to them. But I can't. I am no master at small talk either. I can hang around and be normal with normal people. Not with people like these. These people may feel they have no problem yet, but I think I know they do have a problem, not being social enough. Our science program is very competitive. Their is not much room for scientists that aren't very social.

No idea if these ramblings offer any insight. I should have been adding names to make it clear who I was talking about, but I didn't. These are just my observations and feelings, as I wanted to write them down and you seemed to be interested in these kinds of dynamics.



You bring up an interesting point about study groups. I always imagined I would initiate and set up a study group. I never did. Even our study association talked about organizing a study group. I don't think there are many study groups. Pretty sure most people study alone. Maybe this is not common in our culture compared to others. Some people must meet to study sometimes. Especially during self-study week. I always leave for my home town. Many people do. But quite a few don't. I think, they may meet up. Otherwise, they just sit in their room for days and study? Or they hang out at their fraternity or hang around with their room mates? Not sure.