[smeyers19]

I'm 19, and a college freshman. I've had anxiety issues my whole life, depression for 6 years, bulimia for 5 years, and though I am not formally diagnosed, I have had symptoms of BPD and AvPD for most of my life. Most of high school was a disaster for me, but things seemed to get a little better senior year. I've been in college for two months now, and I don't think things have ever been worse for me. I have no friends, and feel incapable of connecting with the people around me. I almost never leave my room, in fact, but I can't seem to get any of my work done. I've already had to drop one of my classes because I failed to submit a midterm, and now I'm afraid I'll flunk my other classes because I've missed so many assignments and my attendance has been spotty (we are a small college, so teachers do actually take attendance.) I keep ignoring the problems, even though I know that is what makes them grow bigger and more uncontrollable. I have no idea how to manage what has morphed into a massive pile of missing work. I have been questioning if I should be majoring in what I have chosen, but I don't know what else I could do. I don't think I've ever been really good at anything. I'm not stable or reliable enough for a regular job, and I love telling stories, so I always thought I'd be a writer. But now I think my writing is just mediocre, so I don't know what else to do. I have no marketable skills, and there seems to be no hope for my future. I am not a victim of circumstance. If I change settings or majors or colleges, nothing will change because I am everything that's wrong with me, and I have no idea how to fix it. I've seen therapists in the past, but I always find myself lying to them because I feel like I need to seem okay even when I'm not. In addition, I have kind of an aversion to letting others help me, because I was raised to keep things to myself and take care of everything on my own. There doesn't seem to be a way out for me. These feelings of hopelessness have resulted in a lot of suicidal thoughts. I can't help but think that nothing will ever improve, and that no one in my life is better off for having known me. I feel completely and utterly worthless.

[qwerty68]

Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are struggling so much.

I know first hand how hard it can be to be in school and deal with this crap. I wish I had an easy answer for you.

First, and foremost, getting help is critical. I understand it can be difficult to do. Your school will likely have help you can take advantage of. It is usually in student services or the psych department or both. There should also be a directory of all the student groups, see if something interests you that you can get involved with and meet people.

The Americans with Disabilities Act(ADA) can offer you help as well. If you can get registered in the ADA office, might be called the disabilities support office or something similar, you can get help with extra time on tests and homework, tutoring and mentoring and they will be able to point you exactly where to go for help. It is not just for the physically disabled. It saved me in school more than once.

You should also know that there is no disgrace in stepping back from school and take the time you need to get things under control. I am not telling what to do, but I have a lot of experience being a student and a little as an instructor, I can tell you that people that forge ahead without getting help end up in academic trouble which can be very difficult to dig out of, especially when dealing with mental health or physical issues. When academic troubles hit, that just feeds into MH issues, making things much worse.

I had to take two terms off as an undergrad and I felt like a total loser. In hindsight, it was the best thing I could have done both for me and my academics.

Getting better is the number 1 priority here. Nothing is more important than you and your well-being.

[Skeezyks]

Hello smeyers19: I'm sorry you are struggling. I'm an older person now. But much of what you wrote brought back memories. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[mmjt21]

I read this and thought of myself immediately. I know who I am as a person, it's taken me a long time. I applaud you for going do college despite your challenges. I finally at 24 just got my **** together and went back. Never think you're alone, when you feel like you are or get those pain in the *** anxiety attacks, remember there are people who go through **** like this and we have no idea. I don't know what your major is, but I chose to do something in nursing that I have experience with being in mental hospitals. People always give me a negative response when I tell them, but you, myself and the vast majority of the people on this forum wish we had someone who had been through it. You're so young, in 5 years, even if you still struggle you'll have so much power over everything. I'm a recovered bulimic, anorexic, self mutilator, BPD ( which I think can manifest if you overthink it). I have so many symptoms of so many things, I failed a class, life goes on. Just never think you're letting yourself down, try your hardest and be the person you know your family and friends know you can be. It's a very powerful feeling standing in a room and telling everyone everything about you and hearing so much lovely responses, group is incredible, join one. Always remember, everyone deals with this kind of ****, and a lot is in the same classification. When it comes to you thinking you have no friends, no matter how tight your throat might be just answer one question or compliment a girl in class or make a joke, everyone else is just as nervous. One day down the road, you'll openly tell your story and experience and change someones life. I'm only 24 and I already did. That's the motivation. Everyday struggle, but you're never alone. I also have ADHD if you can't tell by this post. Best of luck love bug, I'm rooting for you, hell I wish you were my classmate

[MickeyCheeky]

I relate a lot to your situation.. I'm really sorry I wish I had some advice, but.. I can only listen I feel you.

[Talthybius]

I recognize some things you describe. Some things with you are more extreme, others are more extreme with me.

I don't know how I myself really got out of it. I stopped going to college for 9 years. Then slowly got back into it at age 29. I didn't like other people. I had no goal in life. I didn't care to be popular, rich, respected. I was passive, avoiding, didn't reach out to people. If I wasn't going to be a guaranteed winner in life, be it career, friendship or romance, I wasn't even going to try. You can't fail if you don't try. And I wanted some special kind of life few people have. I couldn't imagine myself living an average life.

As a child I never skipped classes in school. I guess I didn't dare to; it wasn't proper. But after I switched to my second college, it became so easy not to go. And I didn't go to hang out and have fun. I didn't go so I could be alone, or to obsess about my intellectual interests. I was terrified by the idea that being lonely didn't terrify me, because that meant I would never act to not be lonely because of the discomfort of loneliness.

I was never really depressed, except for a few months. In the end, the pain of depression is what got me out of my comfort zone. But I was very anxious and I constantly worried and puzzled about who I was, what my life would be like in a few years, and what was wrong with me causing me to have no place in society.

I never talked with anyone about my feelings. My parents have problems of their own. My mother has been too weak to give any support at all. My father would just yell at me for being a failure, though he would support me financially. My father must be high functioning autistic, maybe like me, maybe like my mother. My brother seems normal, but he must be damaged as well. Me and my brother, we do not talk about things. Actually, my brother barely talks nowadays. Not even with his girlfriend.

And of the two friends I thought I had, both lived far away from me, and one was female (me being male) and I was obsessively in love with her. The other friend, I didn't want to burden with my problems. He was graduating, living an active life, and I was nothing. I didn't think he would respect me. And I didn't want his pitty friendship, which he at some point bluntly offered to me. He bascially said, 'I have another loser friend and I am staying friends with him', 'you can be my second loser friend'. We came back in contact 6 years later.

After 9 years of nothingness, I went back to school, then to university. I am doing really well. I cannot explain how. I shouldn't be able to do so well. I always performed below average throughout my childhood. I think it might be a desire to be really smart combined with some Asperger traits. I still fear I only am high-functional in the academic sphere because I neglect all other spheres. And yes, I still have problems there. Though I am supposed to be reasonable attractive, my experience in romance is flimsy. It confuses me, pains me. I thought no romance happened for me because I never met anyone. Now that I meet some people, probably still to few, I don't see any paths to romance. I thought I saw one path with one woman, and I tried to avoid mistakes I thought I made in the past, but it ended up me getting hurt maybe more than I got hurt as a teenager.

I also make no friends. It may be because I take no risks. I don't make the first move. And I try to project myself as being confident, all-knowing, succesful, strong, reserved, composed. Maybe people quickly realize that I am not being myself. Or maybe I give off a wrong flavor, making me appear arrogant, unkind, aloof, calculated, dishonest.
I don't try to make friends. And I have a hard time small talking. When I see others talk, often 10 years my junior, I can't relate to what they are saying. And it is not just the age gap. And all my jokes seem to fail. It is also really hard to think of something witty, then feel comfortable enough to just say it. So I never do that.

You should seek professional help. And you should tell them the truth. You say you tried, so I don't know how you can change that.
Your studies being difficult, I guess that's natural when being depressed. And naturally, people don't gravitate to depressed or awkward people. When they have a hard time making friends as well, they rather not try it with someone despressed or awkward.

Everything is interconnected, which makes it hard to get out. Especially if you can't think in terms of babysteps. Maybe the mistake I made is to shoot down every positive thought I had, because it wasn't a solution to all of my problems.

[BeaFlower]

I'm sorry you're struggling I think that you could give therapy another try. Maybe there is something available at college. You could tell yoit t at the beginning that you had problems with therapy in past and why, like you said it to us.
Also, maybe there is a counselor about which courses to chose, since you aren't sure.
Hope all will get better We care about you.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to PC

Hi smeyers19. You sound like a really intelligent person who fell into a dark place. I'm really sorry for this. I find that once you're in a dark place like this, it's important to not worry too much and focus on getting better above all, but once you do get out, it's important to avoid falling back in and focus on keeping your spirits high.

I agree that you need to find some help. Colleges usually, like qwerty68 was saying, have things like a school therapist you can talk to for free. Most people don't know what it's like to go to school with what you struggle with, but a good therapist can help you.

I wouldn't say you're not cut out for your major. It's might be that you are struggling too much to keep up with your schoolwork, and if you change your major, you might run across the same problem. But if you strongly feel the major isn't for you, then this is the time to change it.

I'm in a similar boat. I keep missing classes and blowing off work until the last minute because of anxiety. I also have a pile of missed work. I'm scared to be around other people. A lot of people might tell me that I'm being lazy or something because I'm purposefully missing class, but it's not true. That's why I don't tell anyone except people I really trust or counselors. It can be very, very difficult just to attend class when you have depression, anxiety, and other issues. Don't let the standards for everyone else not dealing with these problems define you. Congratulate yourself that you're making it to class or trying to keep up with work despite all you're struggling with. It's a real challenge that's very hard to overcome.

I also didn't make friends for a long time in college. But, I managed to get by through hobbies. Being an adult meant that I could explore whatever interests I wanted to, and not just school. I didn't like too much social contact anyway, but this forum helped me out a bunch. This is a good place to talk with people without the anxiety usually attached.

If I was in your shoes, I'd talk to a school counselor as soon as possible so you can see that the situation is not near as dire as you feel, but is actually okay. This is only your first semester, right? You have more to make up for a bad first one, and if you help yourself now, you'll be more prepared for those. It's actually very common to have a lot of trouble your first semester. You're not alone.

[BeeBoo11]

Hi, smeyers. Welcome to the board.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. High school and my first two years of college were extremely anxiety ridden for me so I feel for you.

I'm 21 now and a senior graduating in May 2017.

I don't know how much help I can be but reaching out to others even when it seems like no one cares and that you're a burden or that you should be strong enough to do it on your own.... those thoughts aren't true. People are rooting for you. Your professors WANT you to succeed, especially at a smaller college. They do care and if you tell them what you're experiencing, chances are they will be understanding.

I've had a mentally ill friend who had to retroactively withdraw from a semester so that may be an option if you would like a clean slate.

I'm also curious about what you're majoring in? I was originally an English Literature major but realized that wasn't for me, but felt like my only 'talent' was in writing. So, I changed my major to Professional Communications which is what I really wanted to be doing all along.

Follow your talents and passions. Change your major to what YOU want to do.

Good luck.