I still think about high school a lot. Too much.

I still think about high school a lot.

I was a loner in high school.

Normally I imagine myself being in front of my ex-classmates and performing something. Recently I was probably watching bowling on TV so I've been imagining myself being able to bowl and everyone sees me bowl a perfect game.

Or sometimes when I hear a song on the radio I imagine myself singing in front of them and they think I am talented.

Then i have regrets that I mull over. Wishing I hadn't said something, or wishing I had been able to make an effort when I was in school, and so forth.

Does anyone else do this? I think I have to stop and probably try to live a real life today. Perhaps I should play my guitar for real instead of imagining I'm in the past and performing.

Yes, my go-to fantasy when I’m driving alone, and there’s a song playing by some great singer, is I am new to my high school and auditioning for the rock ensemble class. I am the beautiful girl I wish I was, and the exceptional singer too. And the boys I had a crush on are taken with me. Gosh, I’ve been playing that scene over in my head for 40 years!

“Perhaps I should play my guitar for real instead of imagining...”. Why not do both?

I always think of people from the past, and how people in my current life represent them. So that way if someone from the present does something to hurt me, it's both them and that girl from high school...so it matters more. If that makes sense. But I try to be a better person to the present people and handle the situation differently, so that makes amends for what happened in high school.

I have recurring dreams of high school. I think they started about ten years ago or so. Its like 21 jump street, where im old and have already gone to college, but for some reason im redoing a year of high school. Most of the dream i just get waaaaay behind on the reading homework, and i spend a lot of time in the hallways getting to class, or looking for a classroom.

I had a dream last night about being back in high school, and two popular boys, who are still friends, were in my class too.

Then I woke up and I began thinking about them I suppose. I went online and did an internet tour of the school. I didn't expect it to have changed so much.

It's been 6 years since high school and I'm still imagining certain situations that used to bother me (e.g. bullies). Sometimes I imagine myself standing up to them and feel bad for not having done it and sometimes I feel hurt and anxios all over again. I have recurring dreams about those situations and it's not very pleasant.

I find myself doint that too.

I can relate. Do that a lot.

I had another dream, I forget what it was, but one of my first crushes was in it, and I think about her a lot, 20 years on.

I never really had any sexual feelings about her, nor did I really think about being in a relationship with her, I just wanted to be more like her, or I was jealous, and I suppose I still am, even though she wasn't particularly outstanding. She was just an attractive, popular person with a nice personality, and I imagine she has had boyfriends as well as friends and she is now married.

So in many ways she is my opposite, she has succeeded in all areas in which I have failed.

Yes. I started having problems in middle school and eventually lost all my friends. I think about them often and how I could have fit in if I was healthy. I knew most of them since elementary school which was a good experience. By college I was pretty far gone and don't know how I survived.

I struggled in elementary school, at least I think. I am not sure. When there was a substitute teacher, I was the one kid going crazy. I couldn't handle that and they learned that they had to remove me from the classroom on those days.

I got advice 'special education' before I went to middle school. That means they take 1 or 2 years to fix your learning disability/educational disadvantage. My parents were too lax and forget to sign me up for time.

When we were all given the test to determine to which level of schools we could go, I scored somewhat above average and way way above my recommendation. Still not top 20%, but top 30%.

But ignoring that advice, I went to a middle school preparing you for trade school/apprenticeship/low level vocational college. I did well the first year, but the second year I failed too many courses and had to repeat a year. In the end, I graduated with very high marks.

I went to do a low level vocational college. It is where they try to teach you a 4 year college degree, but it really isn't. Basically you waste a lot of time and then in the end on paper you got a 4 year degree, and everyone feels happy about it. And then you can get a low paying job with little career perspectives.

In my second year, I got into a fight with teachers, because they were bad, and because I thought it was all a joke. So they kicked me out. Then my father had to force me to do a 1 hour to go to a similar programme so I could at least finish my degree. I never felt at home, still felt it was pointless, and I managed to keep it up for only a few months. Then, I acted like I was going to school, but actually I wasn't. I would just cycle around for hours, then go home.

So then we decided low level vocational school was not for me and that I wanted to study music. But I needed a higher level of high school for that. And a repertoire/portfolio of music. So I signed up for high school. I still had to do a 1 hour commute. I didn't socialize at all with anyone. I got some nice grades, but failed at math. I was too lazy to do homework and I figured I could skip half the classes. I always had this attitude of that it was not allowed to skip a class, so I never did. Now I realized I could just do it and it was my decision. So it was so easy to decide 'ok I skip this class and go tomorrow and work harder to catch up'. I didn't do it to have fun. I did it to avoid people, I guess.

Halfway through, I stopped going to all. I guess this time I was really depressed. I didn't tell any teacher where I was. Suddenly, I wasn't there anymore. At some point, they called my parents and I decided to go back. So I did one exam out of 4 that I planned to do the first year, and I had to do 3 more the next year. Something like that.
I got a decent mark on my second final high school exam I ever did. But I only had 1/7th of the high school degree I needed.

Summer holiday came and somehow I found out I had to reapply to go back to that same school. So I had to go to another one. So with my parents I decided to try that. Two weeks into the new academic year, I joined my third high school, my 5th school in 6 years. The first class I went to, it was canceled. I had to wait 2 hours to attend my second class. And I had no time as I had to read music theory and practice music composition. I would always carry with me books and read them whenever I could.

The second class, I knew everything they talked about already. It felt so stupid to be there. I was now 3 to 4 years older than everyone else. Or so I thought, since these classes were all for people who had failed in their regular programme already.

So after 1 class, I stopped going. It felt pointless. I had to study music theory. These silly classes were a waste of time. I never went again and it took my father months to realize. He was really angry and that was it.

After about a year at home, after 3 years, becoming a music composer didn't seem viable. I lacked talent and even with talent, there were no job opportunities. So once my deep passion had been weakened, that also seemed pointless. When you write so many notes and all your pieces start to sound like crap, and you cannot really play well because your parents didn't force you to do piano lessons from age 8 to 18, it all seems very pointless.

Now, my plan was to study by myself and go to university. So I bought books and when I was not being lazy, I studied them a bit. Especially math. But I never dared to sign up for the exam. I was completely doing this through self-study. And this was high level math. Very unlike the stuff I was taught. And I was making so many mistakes writing down formulas. I would always slip up and add a minus sign somewhere, then get confused. I would repeat the same problem many times in a row, and every time I would get a different answer.
So I never signed up. I always delayed doing the exams to next year.

I had a lot of dreams about school, about doing exams, about arguing with teachers, about arriving at university on day one, about sitting in an actual lecture hall.

This took 7 years. I was now 29 and there was a special reason why because really depressed and the walls were closing into me. So somehow with this fear as motivation I was able to go back to high school and completely humiliate myself and be there every day, do the exercises, and ace the exams. Those were my third high school exams. But I did the mid level high school. Not the high level one needed for university.

So I could now do a proper college degree and that was the plan. But everything seemed so easy. So I aced the first year of college as well. But to go to university, which seemed now definitely where I belonged, I needed the high level high school exams. So while I did my first year of college I studied the high level high school exam material as well.

The summer after I finished my first college year, I did high school exams for the fourth time. I passed. So I entered university. I got my BSc cum laude. My BSc programme is the most difficult degree programme they offer at this university, as it is a hard science degree. And my university scores top 50 overall and top 3 in specialized subjects. Students from my MSc programme are in high demand for PhD spots.

I am on track for an MSc. Probably no cum laude, as that is extremely difficult to almost impossible. But I hope to do a good research project so I can get recommendations for a PhD position. But all that will be near age 39.

So no. I don't think about high school anymore. I barely remember the names of people. You could put me in a room full of people from high school, and I wouldn't recognize most, if not all, of them.

Hmm. I knew that my Grand Depression was over when I stopped dreaming of people and things past and began to dream of the present... or just weird dream things.

I’m curious as to why everyone seems drawn to high school? I had a great time in high school — the sex was good — I didn’t have to actually go to school in my Junior and Senior years and I was just another kid in college those last two years. Maybe I got laid so often because I was a ‘college’ student dating high school girls? I also had a vicious Hurst-Olds.

But I never wanted to go back to high school — I was so incredibly bored there. And it was a parochial high school with nuns and priests. Ugh!